Jrlz's tips for hardcore tailgating

We LSU fans tend to be at once hostile and hospitable. Typical game day scene:

LSU fan: Hey jortlicker (or other, perhaps more colorful, name)- Tiger bait! Tiger bait! Tiger bait! Tebow sucks!

Florida fan: F*** you.

LSU fan: Hey, come on over here and help yourself to our food and beer, man. We got plenty! We've got the game on, too!

Florida fan: Huh?

As such, plenty of food and beer is necessary, as there will be much pigging and chugging. Time to stock up now, because the local Albertson's will be out of everything if you try stocking up at the last minute. Perhaps it helps to be in the shuffle with food brokerage agencies like the one below:

Buy in bulk. Nothing says "awesome tailgater" like special ordering a 256-pack of beer. If you order from Budweiser, I heard they even slip in a free Clydesdale.

Or perhaps you should bring a truck full of kegs if the situation calls for keg stands. I myself drank my first beer upside down.  Continued after the jump.

But remember, drinking and driving is illegal, dangerous and pretty stupid. via justsickshit.com

Also, be careful when visiting other tailgates. If it looks like a rusty propane tank, it's probably a rusty propane tank. Do not tap that.

Other good beverages:

A good bottle of hard stuff- Jack's, Captain Morgan's, Maker's Mark, Everclear, etc.

Girly drinks like Mike's Hard for the ladies and alcohol noobs.

A six-pack of your favorite import- your own personal stash.

Cokes, sprites, root beer (for children under five.)

Kool-aid (because no Jrlz story is complete without referencing Kool-aid).

Water [serious note: water is very important. Bring lots.]

A cooler [even more necessary than water]

Step two: The main course

.

via media.2theadvocate.com

It's best to leave jambalaya to the experts. If you're searching for a Jambalaya caterer, make sure he weighs no less than 350 lbs. (A moot point. Jambalaya caterers who weigh less than 350 lbs do not exist.)

Gumbo is easier. To make gumbo, you'll need to buy:

Chicken stock (you can make your own by grinding a chicken through a lemon squeezer. Make sure the chicken is dead and cooked before you grind)

Green peppers, celery and onions: the "holy trinity" of Louisiana food culture, according to Wikipedia.

Okra (fresh, frozen or canned. Gotta love okra.)

Chicken (for the rednecks out there, yes, a Wal-Mart rotisserie will do. Seafood can be used in lieu of chicken, and so can the Clydesdale you got from Budweiser.)

Sausage (for the rednecks out there, NO, three hundred Slim Jims will NOT do.)

A big ol' pot.

A big ol' ladle

disposable bowls and plasticware (which brings me to another point: be sure to steal a trash can before they chain them to the light posts.)

Baguettes for dipping and mopping deliciousness.

Here's an idea: Use beer in lieu of chicken stock. If you do this, be sure to serve it cold. Hot beer is nasty.

Step three: Chips and cookies.

Get soft cookies from the store bakery instead of Chips Ahoy.

Don't buy generic-brand Oreos. Not even Auburn fans deserve that cheap crap.

Get Zapp's. Lots of them, and all different flavors. (My favorite is the Cajun Dill Gator-Taters) In fact, just bring the city of Gramercy along with you if there's room in the trunk.

Nothing makes you look stupider than bringing bags and bags of tortilla chips and forgetting the salsa.

Also, make sure it's real salsa like Pace, Chi-chi's or, my personal favorite, Herdez. Sam's Choice won't cut it, my friend.

Don't forget:

Paper towels.

Extra trash bags and trash cans.

A TV set to watch the game. ( Make sure you test your tailgating TV rig before you get out there. Nothing kills the tailgating experience like five hours of trying to get the damn TV working.)

And after the game:

Corn dogs- There's no better way to celebrate an LSU victory than throwing corn dogs at the opposing team's fans from a truck bed and then showering them with ketchup, mustard and perhaps even relish as well (preferrably in a squeeze bottle. Scooping and flinging is effective but inefficient and I shouldn't have to add anything about the inefficiency of glass ketchup bottles.)

You definitely owe me a few cold ones for all these great tips.  See you at the game!