In our unending quest to help you understand Les Miles, I have helpfully translated some of Les' most recent press conference.
WHAT HE SAID: We enjoyed again another wonderful evening in Tiger Stadium. Our players really play to the environment.
WHAT HE MEANT: Hey, everyone who booed... bite me. You're not exercising your rights as a fan, you're just being a jackass and ruining it for everybody. Go to hell.
WHAT HE SAID: We controlled every special teams snap. Our coverage units were very crisp with their tackling and our return units got yardage. We are doing what we need to do certainly in special teams. Again, congratulations to Patrick Peterson for his second Special Teams Player of the Week in the SEC award with that great return.
WHAT HE MEANT: Kneel before Zod.
WHAT HE SAID: I can tell you offensively nobody is satisfied in our buildings.
WHAT HE MEANT: I want to strangle the life out of Gary Crowton.
WHAT HE SAID: I can tell you that anytime you are in a game where you are penalized as often as we were, that quarterback has a very difficult situation. Instead of going back there second and two, he is going back there at third and 12. A good majority of our third down conversions had to do with what was the penalty and the situation in front of him rather than the quarterback play. I can tell you when you are third and long and you rush three and drop all the underneath coverage to take away those routes, it is not the ideal time to throw a football. I would say any quarterback in that position minus Brett Favre might have a real issue. We had a coverage sack, and we had three protection issues that were serious. Those things do not benefit an offense nor does it benefit a quarterback.
WHAT HE MEANT: No quarterback could have made it in those situations. The light got in his eyes. He was nursing a hangover. Oh, nevermind. He sucked.
WHAT HE SAID: To be honest with you, Lamin Barrow had a 15-yard penalty and is as sick as he can be because he goes to the sideline and makes a tackle, and just because the back steps out one step, it is a 15-yard penalty. It is one we have to be smarter in and one that as an example as a room we have to be better and understand that we can't make those mistakes. Obviously Patrick Peterson doesn't want to celebrate in excess after a touchdown. There are some things we need to fix, and I think our team understands that.
WHAT HE MEANT: We got the Swagga. If Peterson wants to sacrifice a live puppy at midfield, I'm probably okay with it.
WHAT HE SAID: I look forward to the challenge and enjoy the fact that we are undefeated, and I want to stay that way.
WHAT HE MEANT: 4-0, suckers!
WHAT HE SAID: We're fixing that, and we have to throw better. We have to be better at quarterback. Some of the things that Jordan Jefferson did were exactly what we needed, yet we can improve his play as we can improve the play of a number of guys on that offensive side.
WHAT HE MEANT: He did a lot of things great. Like he kept breathing. And circulating blood. He didn't throw up on anybody. He didn't forget how to walk. I mean, the things Jefferson did right far outnumbered the things he did wrong. I mean, how important of a skill is throwing the ball for a quarterback anyway? /silently weeps
WHAT HE SAID: Any play that is three or four yards is certainly a positive. Anything in excess of three or four yards would have to be based on the criteria or need of the first down. If you picked up two yards on an option on a first down, it's probably a very efficient play. What people are not seeing is that it changes the defense's call in the majority of the day because if you load the interior of the front, all of those runs that Ridley gets are not necessarily as ready. If you have to play a perimeter defense that takes a guy or a responsibility out of the interior of that defense, it makes those inside runs just a little bit more productive.
WHAT HE MEANT: All of those crappy option plays make you appreciate the inside runs by Ridley. You wouldn't appreciate Ridley if he did it ALL THE TIME. I plan on reducing the number of effective offensive plays per game to four. One a quarter.
WHAT HE SAID: The good news about a 2:30 (p.m.) start should be the fact that we'll have a good four-hour window for food prior to, and they ought to be able to sleep in good, so I would have to guess that they would not be any worse for wear at 2:30 in the afternoon. I do have to say that I think there is some magic in that stadium at night that we all enjoy. I don't know that, that will be a criteria that I will be able to really put a finger on, but I think our guys will look forward to playing early.
WHAT HE MEANT: This way, Patrick Peterson can make it to the Chi O mixer after the game. Look, this campus owes Zod a few sorority girls, and he can't take full advantage with the late start. Even Peterson must sleep...
WHAT HE SAID: I've never in my life seen the reason to root negatively. I root strong for the team that I support.
WHAT HE MEANT: I've instructed Barkevious Mingo to swallow the soul of any person caught booing in Tiger Stadium. Yes, he knows how.
On if there has been a reluctance to put QB Jarrett Lee in the game during a passing sequence...
WHAT HE SAID: You have to use the strengths of the players that are on the field. I think we look at the opportunities to play Jarrett Lee. I think he's worked very hard at it. He's more mature. There is a very fine line with that field and the boundary, and making sure that he's ready to step onto the field and do the things that we've expected him to do is kind of my push. Frankly, it's getting closer and closer, and we like him. It's never going to be necessarily the fact that the other guy is just doing poorly. It's with the compliment of the efforts that Jarrett Lee has. He's worked hard at it. He has continued to compete and continues to improve, so my view is looking for opportunities to get him on the field. It's really a game plan going into each week to be honest with you but this week as well.
WHAT HE MEANT: Yes.
Did you see the La Tech game last year?
On how encouraging it is that UAB threw for more than 400 passing yards against Tennessee last week...
WHAT HE SAID: It's very encouraging. I'm encouraged. The reality of it is I thought UAB had a very talented receiving corps and threw the ball a lot. I would look forward to hopefully attacking an opponent in a like fashion.
WHAT HE MEANT: Great. So, now if we throw for 300 yards, y'all will still bitch. Screw you, UAB.
On if Jordan Jefferson will start Saturday...
WHAT HE SAID: Yes.
WHAT HE MEANT: I have a want to play Jefferson.
NOW, with bonus translation of Stevan Ridley's comments!
WHAT HE SAID: Like or dislike, we're still going to run the option.
WHAT HE MEANT: I hate the friggin' option.
WHAT HE SAID:It doesn't matter to me how we get it done as long as we get it done. As long as things are going well and we're putting up a lot of points, than nobody complains about the option or who is the quarterback.
WHAT HE MEANT: We're not getting it done. Things aren't going well, and I'm complaining about the option and the quarterback.
WHAT HE SAID: When times get rough people like to point their finger and blame, but that is not really us at all.
WHAT HE MEANT: We're college kids. That's EXACTLY like us. I can't even look the defense in the face. Poor T-Bob can barely walk from all of the purple nurples he's gotten from Sam Montgomery.
WHAT HE SAID: We're going to continue what we've been doing. Let's not forget that we are 4-0, but we're still not satisfied by any means. We're going back to the drawing board and we're going to fix the small mistakes.
WHAT HE MEANT: We're going to continue what we're doing. Crappy passing game with the defense and me bailing everyone out. That's right, I'm including me. I'm awesome. Do you know how hard it is to rush for 100 yards against a ten man front?