Translating CoachSpeak Returns

I haven't done the Translating CoachSpeak feature all season because Les Miles sort of defies the joke.  How can you be more insane than what Miles actually says?  The joke of the piece is that coaches don't say anything at all, so I translate them into saying outrageous things that fans are more likely to say.  

But that's how Les talks!  He's totally messed up the joke for me.  He's impervious to mockery.  Luckily, he tried to dial back the crazy in his Alabama press conference, allowing me to translate his most recent remarks.  Love you, Coach.

WHAT HE SAID: I just want to recognize that certainly this is a win and it counts one. This was a very significant win and gives us the lead in the West. It just makes the rest of these games much more important. There was nothing settled in any way with victory last Saturday. We still have to earn our way. It is all about whom we are about to play and what is a necessary improvement that must take place this week. With that being said, we are looking forward to the process as we go forward.

WHAT HE MEANT: Are you kidding me?  This was the biggest win of my career.  All you Saban lovers can bite me.  You know who you are.  This win counts double, right?  This was like the whole season in one game.  Had we lost this one, we'd have almost no shot at the SEC title, much less the national title.  Sort of like the boat Bama finds themselves in right now, eh?  How you like them apples?

WHAT HE SAID: I felt the defense really had a great effort. They started off with a capable back and some adjustments that needed to be made because of formation. Trent Richardson was certainly as good as advertised. We put the breaks on him as we got into the back end of the game. The idea that the defense played with great character anytime you are in a slugfest there is that opportunity to make a play. That is what they were looking to do. The opponent would get close the goal line and suddenly there would be a negative play that would make the difference. There was pressure on the quarterback and a ball taken out of the air. I felt that defense played with great character.

WHAT HE MEANT: Trent Richardson is pretty darn good.  In fact, there's only one thing on earth that can stop him.  The LSU defense.  We're like kryptonite, baby!  Did you see the way he started running backwards at the end of the game?  I thought that was pretty good, but I'm not expert. Oh wait, I am.  Sam Montgomery hit him so hard one time you could actually see the snot bubbles.  And let's face it, that's pretty cool. He was the best player on the field.  Luckily, I had the best team.  

WHAT HE SAID: Brad Wing has a punt that he didn't enjoy. When it came down to it he pinned them down in there with punts inside the ten. He has that 73 yarder that I think hit the guide wires. I think that sucker could have been 85 yards if it hadn't hit the guide wires. There was a point in time in that game where we needed a guy to make a play and Wing steps in there and makes that play.

WHAT HE MEANT: Our best player is a punter.  A PUNTER.  The guy is from a different country... Austria, I think.  I always thought they spoke German, but he speaks perfect English. Must be home schooled.  Anyway, I want every Alabama fan to consider this: they just lost a game to a team whose best player is the punter.  Sleep tight. 

WHAT HE SAID: We have two quarterback that have contributed significantly to this point in the season. I think that will continue. I have given a lot of thought to it. I think we will need two and will go forward without making any real determinations at this point.

WHAT HE MEANT: I have no idea who the starter is.  Stop asking.

WHAT HE SAID: I thought that it was a very good penalty. The attempt that Tyrann made was to hit him in the chest and be legal. In other words, what happens in a position like that is that the position the Alabama man had was in front of Tyrann and in position on the ball. So what Tyrann cannot do is hit him in the back. So Tyrann goes running to the position to try and hit him in the chest. I think he hit him legally, but the issue became that he went high and held. That was exactly the call. It was a holding call and I understand the call. When the official calls it, sees it and is firm about it, he told me that this is what he did. He saw it better than I did. I saw the attempt at the collision and he said no he held. That really is the issue. I thought it was the right call. We talked to Tyrann about it during the game.

WHAT HE MEANT: Quit your belly-aching.  It was holding, he got flagged for it.  End of story.  You want to see what happens when the Honey Badger wants to hurt you? 

WHAT HE SAID: I have to be real honest with you, anyone not impressed with that game, I don't care. Obviously you have not watched football for a length of time, care anything about defense, effort, speed to the ball or two teams that fought valiantly. If you didn't like that game, than tough."

WHAT HE MEANT: The game was awesome.  I'm now TIVO'ing sports talk shows to see who is complaining about the game so I can add them to my Enemies' List and mock them appropriately. 

WHAT HE SAID: Eric Reid is very talented team. We play freshman. Guys that come in that have an ability to play, we play them. They come to the field and we asked him to learn. He was a confident learner who understood scheme very well. He made adjustments comfortably in his first year. Remember that he started and played early that year and the Cotton Bowl. It is an interesting piece. He has played very well throughout the season. Frankly, we've seen that he has the ability to play like he played Saturday. We've told him that. To improve and play as capable as he is, he needs to take some other steps. He does that. He is one of those guys that understand coaching and as he matures and becomes ready to be a dominant player play after play, he will be ready to achieve that. This game the Alabama game is an example of how we will have expected him to play and how we can play week after week. We're thrilled with his improvement and need it to stay there because that is the style of field general we would like to have back there with Brandon Taylor.

WHAT HE MEANT: I can't even keep track of how many great defensive backs we have.  You realize that Eric Reid is our worst starting defensive back? Yeah, that's how stacked we are.  Because Reid is so good, I'm thinking of cloning him.  Can I do that? Our worst starters are better than your best starters.  We stacked.

WHAT HE SAID: I think it is wonderful. You should have the opportunity at a walkabout and there are probably some sites in Australia that the head coach would have the opportunity to go see. They tell me they have great white sharks in that area. The international players have dealt with crocodiles and put themselves in great position to compete in our conference. In my opinion the transition of those players to football, to give you an example when my family went to Jamaica, I had a football job for Usain Bolt. I felt that speed and kind of ability would certainly transition to a tall wide receiver.

WHAT HE MEANT: LSU paid for my last vacation to the Carribbean, as I wrote it off as a "business expense."

WHAT HE SAID: I suggested back when it happened to me that they would call do-overs. I lost a possession because it hit the wire and fell 10 yards short of Patrick Peterson attempting to get the ball. It hit one of our players in the back and our opponent got the ball. We hit a ball into the guard wire and the wire sent it left which cost us about 15 yards in actuality on a punt. I suggested to Steve Shaw that I need do-overs and legitimately because this thing here is not right. They went to the TV copy and the coaches' copy and you cannot see the wires. They said no, you couldn't have a do-over.

WHAT HE MEANT: Lucky, my left foot.