The SEC as Muppets

Well, we're in winter vacation mode here at ATVS. I've put up the tree, hung the lights, and supervised the elves wrapping presents. No joke, I've got a present under my tree that says "FROM: Les Miles TO: Poseur". I wonder what he got me.

The team is back at practice, prepping for the Biggest Game of Their Lives. Hey, no pressure. So, we're trying to stay in game day shape here at the HQ. PodKatt has us running drills, diagramming sentences, and working at keeping our alcohol tolerances up to midseason levels.

I'll be taking off midweek to go vacation at DisneyWorld. Because of this and the recent Muppet movie, I've had the Muppets on my mind. And since this is the silly season anyway, I wasted some time trying to match up each SEC school with their appropriate Muppet doppleganger.

Yeah, it's not recruiting news or anything, but just a fun way to waste a few MB's of your employer's bandwidth. So, without further ado, the most sensational, celebrational, Muppetational column ever...

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LSU is Animal. This is actually an easy one. We're completely unhinged, barely clinging to reality. Always ready to party, we are a destructive force on the SEC, though really, we're quite harmless (the fans, not the team). I also think it would probably be best for everyone concerned if we were kept on a chain lest we attack Rita Moreno.

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Alabama is Kermit. Look, the truth hurts. Bama, like Kermit, is the premier program of the conference what with their twenty billion titles or whatever. They get all of the plaudits and are the leaders of this ragtag mob. The perception of the conference is tied to Bama, just as the fortunes of the Muppets are tied to Kermit. Damn them. Though, unlike Bama, Kermit uses his powers for good.

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Arkansas is Miss Piggy. Too easy, right? Like Piggy, the Hogs are always trying to preen for the spotlight. They are the prima donnas who, let's face it, aren't nearly as talented as they think they are. And Petrino throws a hissy fit just like Piggy, minus the karate chops. Also, both covet Kermit/Bama.

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Auburn is Scooter. Doomed to live in the shadows of Alabama, Auburn has their moments of scene stealing, but really, they exist to hold the clipboard and make sure more talented acts get on the stage on time. Though, to Scooter's credit, his uncle did own the Muppet Theater and he used this fact to his advantage frequently. See? It's just like Auburn and their, er, inventive recruiting tactics.

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Florida is Rowlf. Rowlf is the most dynamic Muppet - he can sing, play in the Muppet Orchestra or with the Electric Mayhem, tell jokes, or be a dramatic lead. He can do it all. Florida has won national titles in both football and basketball recently, and they are a damn good baseball team as well. They, like Rowlf, are a dog of all trades. Let's remember, we don't just dominate football, we dominate everything.

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Georgia is Sweetums. They look real big and intimidating which scares you at first (after all, Sweetums is a monster). But once you spend some time with them, you realize they are big softies. The upside is, everyone likes Sweetums. Well, Uga did attack an Auburn wide receiver once, but most people just found that further endearing. Sort of like when Sweetums eats a smaller, weaker Muppet (like Vanderbilt).

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Kentucky is Lew Zealand. Like Lew, Kentucky has a skill that befuddles the rest of us. Lew throws fish, the Cats shoot hoops. We're not entirely trusting of this basketball thingee, but they seem good at it. so we'll keep them around. Hey, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it really well. And no one throws a fish like Lew, just like no basketball program is truly like Kentucky.

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Mississippi State is Fozzie Bear. The loveable losers of the SEC, State hasn't won an SEC title since 1941. But God love 'em, even with jokes that were stale 50 years ago, Fozzie trudges out there each night to get killed by the audience, and always with enthusiasm. That's the key here, it's the undying optimism that Fozzie possesses, in the face of all reason not to. Mississippi State fans can relate. Next year is your year, guys. Really. I'm not just saying that.

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Ole Miss is Statler and Waldorf. The cranky old men only have one purpose: to make Fozzie's life hell. Ole Miss doesn't have much anymore, but they still have the Egg Bowl (even though they've been losing it recently). This distracts us from the fact Statler and Waldorf are doomed to watch this crappy show they hate for eternity, apparently. Why do they always come here? But at least they are funny, and God knows, I laugh my ass off at Ole Miss football.

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South Carolina is Gonzo. They are weird and we don't really understand them. It's also quite possible both are space aliens. South Carolina's been in the conference for twenty years and I still can't figure them out. There's also their strange fascination with chickens. Movin' right along...

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Tennessee is Beaker. I'm beginning to think the last decade of football is just a giant prank we're playing on the Vols. Any conceivable disaster seems to befall them, but they always pop back up, ready for the next impossible disaster. Beaker, at least, is a classic character who is truly beloved by just about everyone. Well, no comparison is perfect. We do enjoy watching the Vols get blown up by the most recent experiment gone awry, so they are like Beaker in that sense.

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Vanderbilt is Sam the Eagle. Among the craziness of the SEC, there is the always staid and conservative Commodores to remind us that we are not entirely normal. While we show up with lampshades on our heads, there is always Vanderbilt clinging to good American values, telling us that we are all weirdos.

We also have two new additions to the conference.

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Missouri is Pepe the Prawn. Sure, he's a new Muppet so we're duty bound to look down on him (literally), but he's been a quality addition to the roster and feels like an old timer already. No, we don't like change around these parts, and there's going to be some initial hostility to the very concept of new teams, or new Muppets, but that's the way things go. Life moves on. Welcome aboard, Mizzou.

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Texas A&M is the Swedish Chef. There is literally no person on the planet who understands them, outside of their own cult. They come from a distant land that we have spent no time trying to learn, so instead, we will just ruthlessly mock them. Sounds like a plan.