To Texas A&M

Ok, so.....after my season opening shot at the Alabama schools, I promptly forgot to do one for Florida and I admit, that game was 100% my fault. I actually had some good material I was planning on using, including their eye-sore stadium that looks like it's made out of Leggos and the Gator at midfield who looks like it's high, or retarded, or both.....I swear that thing is one painted drop of drool away from being the first Gator admitted to LD classes. But alas, I forgot, and we no doubt would have won if my hatred had just gone forth over the InterWebz. For South Carolina.......I just got nothing. Plenty of hate for the OBC, but for USC proper? It's just not in me.

But Aggie?

Where do I even start? I hate their all-male cheerleaders, and the fact that they try to play it off by calling them Yell Leaders. I'd be yelling too if I realized I just signed up to cheer for 4 years and don't even get to grab a hot cheerleader's ass even once in the whole ordeal.

I hate the way they Saw 'Em Off no matter who they're playing. When you play Oklahoma, or Baylor, or Okie State, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAWING?!? There are no damn horns in sight. Cut that shit out and focus on the team on the field, and not the Longhorns down the road, and maybe you'd have actually won something in the Big 12.

I hate that their little brother syndrome towards Texas makes Auburn's LBS towards Bama look downright normal. Good lord, how pathetic is it that your identity has more to do with hating another school than loving your own?

I hate your mindless, robotic, Stepford Wife crowd that doesn't have the sense to be pissed or deflated when the team loses. I hate how they shout "EEEeehhhh!!!" when the opposing offense is on the field. What are you, the Fonz?

I hate way Reveille has priority on the beds. Seriously, what kind of self-respecting people let a damn dog dictate if they can or can't sleep on their own bed? I'd tell that dog he can either share the space, or if he's unhappy with that option, stay his ass on the floor, where dogs belong, not people. And if he's still cranky, well then, maybe a trip to the vet for a neutering is in order. How'd you like that? Instead, the dog apparently neuters the Aggie. Have some respect for the natural order of things. Man is the master of dog, everywhere but in College Station, it seems.

Which reminds me......College Station. I hate that glorified cow pasture that passes for a "college town." I hate the fact that there are no good bars and absolutely nothing to do there. I hate that it's in the middle of nowhere, devoid of any decent ethnic food, and that the official greeting is something so excruciatingly mundane as "Howdy." I hate the traffic at Texas and University, and the fact that both move so slow that you can never get out of town as fast as you desperately want to.

I hate that the Cotton Bowl refs took pity on you and took one of our TDs off the board out of sympathy, a zebra move I had never actually witnessed before, and still not sure is legal.

I hate that Aggie thwarted the rest of the Big 12 South and aborted the PAC 16, which quite frankly, would've been pretty cool. Of course, a monumental and extraordinarily interesting shift was happening in college football, but no, you had to be the little piss-ant that resists all change and gums it up for everybody. Congratulations. Kansas and UCLA games would've almost been worth watching, but noooooooooo.

I hate that the cuppy guy won a .gif duel with a bunch of overdone, overused jokes taken from Alabama games. Hell, I'm only 33 and even I know plenty enough material from former LSU/Aggie games to come up with something at least relevant to the two teams in question.

I hate that your fans claim LSU breached the contract and exited the series owing them a game at Kyle Field. I hate that Aggie fans are dumb enough to believe this. I hate that the school refused to renew the rivalry when offered. I hate they act smug and superior about it while being as completely culpable as us.

In short, welcome to the club, Aggies. I have to really like a school to properly hate them. You make the grade, although it IS easy......there's just so much worth hating here. Win, lose, or draw, I'm glad to have this one back. Ah, but who am I kidding? We're not going to lose. We're going to beat your ten-gallon hat-wearing asses, Kevin Sumlin is going to see if Houston still has an opening after this, and Dollar Bill is going to go falling on his knees crying to Texas for forgiveness, for he knew not what he got them into. I just hope Deloss Dodds doesn't incinerate him with his Bevo Power Ring......we need you guys around next year to beat up on.

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