SEC New Member Instructional Guide

It's time for us to welcome our new SEC brothers to the fold. Now, in time, we will learn to hate them and jeer them (I already have a piss bomb labeled "Aggie"), but for right now, we can pretend that we like the new guys.

To help them get acquainted with their new surroundings, I thought a helpful "Dos and Don'ts" guide would be useful. This is all in the spirit of good sportsmanship of which the SEC is so famous for.

DO make the road trip to Ole Miss. They say they have never lost a party, but that's only because no one keeps score. They do lose at football, and you'll want your first road trip to be a good one now that Vandy has gotten all frisky.

DON'T ask an LSU fan what you are eating. If it tastes good, eat it. You honestly don't want to know what is in the sausage, just be happy it is delicious.

DO develop a hatred of the color orange. A&M already has a leg up in this area, so to help Mizzou out, we are sending 20,000 Tennessee fans to your campus. You're welcome.

DON'T give up your old rivalries. Despite what Texas and Kansas have told you, it is possible to maintain an out of conference rival. Just ask Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, and Kentucky.


DO learn to play defense. Mizzou, that's the thing the other team plays while you have the ball. A&M, that's the thing you played well in the 1990s. The SEC has some of the best defenses in the country and if you can't play defense, you are gonna get killed and we're all gonna laugh at you. Hell, even Ole Miss can play defense.

DON'T forget about bulking up your offensive line. Yeah, yeah, SEC speed. We're fast. So are our linemen. They are also big. If you can't find big, quick linemen, there's going to be a defensive end decapitating your quarterback every play. Good luck.

DO genuflect before the Bear. A&M already has practice at it. Look, we don't like the guy either, but he was kind of good and Bama worships him. Do you really want to make Bama angry? Would you rather worship Saban? Yeah, I thought so. Start working on the shrine now.

DON'T expect fair treatment from the officials. Let me introduce you to Penn Wagers. Just accept that life isn't fair. Oh, Mizzou has already learned this lesson. Sorry about the whole fifth down thing. When SEC refs screw you, we will try not to be as blatant.

DO get good at everything. The SEC plays in twenty sanctioned sports, and won the national title in nine of them. If the NCAA sanctioned tiddlywinks, it wouldn't be long before there was a vicious Auburn-Georgia rivalry at it.

DON'T brag about your basketball team. No one cares. Bragging about hoops is just telling the rest of the conference you suck at football. Win a bowl game, then you can brag about basketball.

DO care about academics. The line that the SEC has bad academics is just a veiled way for Yankees to call Southerners stupid. You're better than that. Shove it in their faces.

DON'T be ashamed of your southern roots. That means keep printing that "Scoreboard!" t-shirt, Mizzou. The South has its own distinctive literary and cultural tradition. You're welcome for Southern gothic, blues, and jazz. Not to mention better food. Yankees will bring up the Civil War only because that's the last time the Big Ten beat the SEC on the field, and even then, one of their best generals was LSU's president.

DO offer up one of your commitments every year to Darth Saban as a tithe. He's going to take one anyway, so just brace yourself for it.

DON'T worry about it, though. The kid will likely be processed in two years and able to rejoin your team.

DO trash talk other conferences. It's fun. Especially when you point out the SEC has more national titles in the last five years than the Big Ten has in the last forty-five.

DON'T get carried away. An Ole Miss fan asked me why I was rooting for them to lose to Jacksonville St, to which I replied that he lives vicariously through LSU's accomplishments, I don't live vicariously through Ole Miss'. Get your own trophies to brag about.

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