To the state of Alabama (rest of SEC to follow.  Maybe.)

Here is an email I sent to two of my friends this morning, copied to quite a few other fans I know as well, one a lifelong Alabama fan and graduate and the other a lifelong Auburn fan and graduate. I thought I'd repost here for kicks, possibly hoping to get some good-natured venom from the rest of you to add to the other teams since I was only ribbing them about the Bama schools.

***DISCLAIMER*** In the "Alabama" paragraph, I blatantly stole about the first 4 sentences from Poseur from the comments section of a recent thread. This is wrong. This is plagiarism. I should be sent to prison even though I'm freely admitting it. I did it anyway. (credit given in the original email as well). Also the BONUS part, while original, does pluck some facts from, and was inspired by, another post here as well (possibly another one of Poseur's). Email after the jump.

***only meant this for Kurt and Blake….even though this probably doesn’t address your team, I thought I’d send it anyway for grins n giggles. Rest assured, I hate your teams too ;) ***

As I am nothing but a phantom on the [redacted] board at this point, I realize it is still my duty to keep you Bammers apprised of the local internal workings and to remind you that I am fully aware that your team’s continued existence is an affront to God and man. And by “Bammers” I don’t just mean Alabama fans. I mean Auburn fans, UAB, JSU, and all the other toothless, overweight and under-hygiened fans of every other meth lab over there that passes for an institution of higher learning.

Let’s start with the things I love.

  1. LSU
  2. The fact we’re going to destroy your spirits this year. History will record each game as a singular loss for your team, but emotionally it will always be remembered as 8 or 9 in a row.

Well, that was easy. Let’s move on to the things I hate.

1. Alabama. I hate their stupid cheer. I hate that their mascot is an elephant even though that makes no logical sense. I hate the color red. I hate the way they call red “crimson” as if it isn’t red. I hate them the way God hates sin. And I especially hate the way they beat less ranked teams than LSU beat teams in the top ten, yet were still handed a mulligan on a silver platter by the people who were too stupid to understand that these magical missed field goals were indeed not fluky gimmes, but rather sent up on wings and prayers from 43 yards and beyond due to the fact that Alabama cracked the redzone all of twice and got their ass knocked backwards when they managed it, nullifying the Game of the Century, which was supposed to “settle it on the field,” all the while failing to realize LSU gained more yards in 3 of the game’s 4 quarters, and all this despite the fact that the best resume point was a loss to a division rival and the only top 10 team they played, thereby screwing not one, but TWO teams’ seasons. (Justin Blackmon says “hi.”) I also hate how Alabama makes me write run-on sentences. And of course, I hate Saban. Why? Nobody knows. But I’d guess that, relative to his time in Baton Rouge, we understand we have an opportunity to do some things better, and certainly when we hate the way we are accustomed, we understand we are in position to achieve. (Achieve what? Stupid Bammers, Michigan Men do not NEED direct objects.)

2. Auburn. I hate their knock-off stadium. I hate their lame War Eagle chant. I hate that they have such an identity crisis complex that they can’t even figure out if they’re the War Eagles or the Plainsmen, but it’s not quite pervasive enough that it doesn’t leave enough room for some jealousy and envy such that they nevertheless insist on calling themselves Tigers. I hate Toomer, I hate his corner, and I hate the lame elementary school prank of rolling the trees with toilet paper passed off as some kind of redneck victory celebration. I hate the way the entire organization is so delusional as to not only fail to realize that Chizik is nothing but the luckiest SOB in history propped up by the greatness of Cadillac, Vince Young, and Cam, but also to realize that Alabama actually stopped noticing them sometime before Neil Armstrong took one giant leap for mankind. And certainly long before Charles Barkley took one giant bite out of it. Effectively, Auburn is an Alabama wannabe. And frankly, I can’t contrive anything more insulting and degrading than that one, humiliating, hate-worthy, fact.


USC/Popular opinion. So, these guys get off probation and the media just can’t wait to yank off the chastity belts and resume the fellatio. The honey badger ran into a kangaroo and got drop-kicked off the team, and the press doesn’t want to rank LSU #1 anymore. Fair enough.....the pre-season polls are even more worthless than the regular season ones. But who do they rank there in the Tigers’ place? Well…the team that just lost their best defensive lineman to injury a month ago, and then another backup D-lineman. And USC does not have the horses to withstand attrition like LSU does. Genius thinking there, guys. Your decision making has really improved since your campaign for the NC game…….PPFFFFBBTTT. Drop one team for losing a great player on defense, but elevate another (thinner) team for doing the same thing. And let’s not forget that USC was hardly balling on defense last year. The greatest consolation to be had about the renewed love affair with the Trojans is that after we rip the souls from the Alabama schools, Mortal-Kombat style, we might just get to play those west-coast jackasses and revel in the gasps heard around the country as our next wave of freshmen DBs locks down Barkley and the Greatest Receivers Of All Time like the future inmates they are destined to be. It will be sweet. How sweet? Probably about as sweet as a 6’1” 200 lb safety taking the ball away from a 6’5” 240 lb tight end at the goal line. And this just in….their starting corner has just been ruled ineligible for the year. The Honey Badger would like a word with you, AP, and you’d better hope your poll is not printed on any paper that can be easily rolled into a doobie.

My only regret is that Mo Isom did not make the team, and knowing that these three teams will not suffer the humiliation of getting beaten by a girl. Though settling for the knowledge of making them feel like little girls is a fair consolation prize.

Yes, gentlemen, it is definitely that time of year, and I couldn’t let it pass without a shot across the bow. Roll Tide, War Eagle and GEAUX TIGERS!!!!!

May the best team win.

And this year, that would be us.

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