Hello football fans! Here are some more fresh-processed facts about the University of Alabama Crimson Tide.
1. Every time Nick Saban has a bowel movement (between 5:34 and 5:52 AM), he looks at what he has created and says "just another product of the Process" before smirking and flushing the toilet. His toilet emits this when flushed, adding to the effect. This satisfies him immensely.
2. A cohort of scholars have spent months trying to decipher what noted Alabama fan Vickie Sue Woodward is saying in all of her Vine videos. The only conclusions researchers have drawn are "Alabama fan" and "aliens, totally aliens."
3. The field is just narrower at Bryant-Denny Stadium, you guys.
4. AJ McCarron is well-known for his chest tattoo, which seems to get bigger as time wears on. This is because his tattoo is actually self-aware and spreads at will. It's a terrible affliction, but he and TCU quarterback Casey Pachallattend a support group together every week of the offseason for it.
5. Mike Price: still undefeated!
6. Though Nick Saban and Bear Bryant are the most revered coaches in Crimson Tide history, they are not as beloved as Alabama interim coaching legend and human megaphone Joe Kines.
7. AJ McCarron, Greg McElroy, and John Parker Wilson are all the same person, and they have been since Nick Saban sawed off Gus Frerotte's right arm, threw it into the Gulf of Mexico, and then waited for his perfect system quarterback to emerge from the surf.
8. Also, AJ McCarron's family is close. Like, really close.
9. While searching for a head coach after the firing of Mike Shula in 2006, Alabama athletic director Mal Moore simply shook the nearest tree, and out fell Nick Saban. Saban, taking a break from coaching, had been baking cookies on the Tuscaloosa campus all along.
10. He's waiting. Watching. Plotting. You cannot escape the Process.
Well, that's it for this week! As always we hope you enjoyed it, and we'll see you on Saturday.