If you're anything like me, the first Wednesday in February usually starts at the wee hours of the morning, typically with some bourbon-laced coffee and/or a Bloody Mary before moving on to beer around, oh, 8:30 A.M. Frankly, National Signing Day is as close to a National Holiday for me that I'm damn near close to filing a petition to have it officially instated. Ok, so you're nothing like me? Ok.
So yeah, go ahead and tweet me anytime on NSD, and I'll shoot back a pic of whatever it is I happen to be downing at the moment. I'm not kidding. Go ahead, hashtag it or something. #WhatchaDrinkinPaul?
But, you know, who likes drinking alone? We have a cure for that. Special thanks to all ATVS writers for contributing and friend of the site, Derek Ponamsky for his clever suggestions as well. Introducing:
ClichésWe should be used to a lot of these in our recruiting coverage (see also, the NFL Draft), but that doesn’t mean we can’t be tired of them. Drink whenever you hear the following:
- "Five-star player"
- "Upside potential"
- "Gym rat"
- And when a player is described as having a "high motor," chug your drink to show just how high you can rev your motor.
Hat tricks. Puppies. Babies. Suspenders. Every year, some recruit finds a new way to make a spectacle of his college choice.Sometimes, their parents make the spectacle. This isn’t going anywhere, so you might as well enjoy it:
- Take a drink for every time a player thanks God in his speech. Every single time.
- For hat tricks, take a drink out of your favorite hat.
- If the player trolls by using a prop that isn’t immediately visible on camera, finish your drink.
- If a player uses "the University of" for a school that it doesn’t apply, such as LSU, Texas A&M, Ole Miss or Florida State, finish your drink.
Recruiting coverage at ESPN is…something. Tom Lugenbill and the ESPNU crew do their best, and you’ll see tons of awkward current or former coaches that enjoy a healthy love-hate relationship with this entire spectacle. If you watch enough of it, you can almost predict what might happen:
- If Luginbill says "by far…probably," take a drink.
- If he says "instant-impact freshman," take a drink.
- If a player is referred to be "considering Alabama" (because they all are, right?) take a drink.
- If said player doesn’t roll with the Tide, finish your drink.
- When a member of the College Gameday team shows up to talk about a recruit that they’ve more than likely never watched a second of film on, take a drink of something you’ve never tried before. Expanding horizons is important.
- If a recruit’s decision is referred to as a shock or a surprise, spring a fast one on your liver and chug your drink.
- If oversigning is mentioned, refill your cup with a fresh beer. If you don’t have enough room and overflow, change into a grey shirt.
- Every time Nick Saban is shown on TV, drink.
- If Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin are mentioned together, or shown on TV, toast with all your buddies (or the rest of the bar crowd), and drink.
- And if any segment on an Alabama recruit goes beyond two minutes, chug a bottle and block it out.
This is what we’re here for -- to bear witness to some of the most important recruits in LSU’s history joining this program, and setting us up for more years of fantastic football under Les Miles. Do what an LSU fan does, drink up, and have some fun:
- When the Tigers pick up a commitment, take a drink.
- If that recruit is unexpected or a surprise, chase your drink with a shot.
- If said player is flipped from another school, take a sip of a stranger’s drink.
- When Leonard Fournette signs his letter of intent, grab a sip of the finest thing in your cabinet. And rep BUGA Nation.
- If a player flips away from LSU -- smash a cup or bottle on floor and drink around the glass because the world is ending and you need to get drunk fast and can't be bothered to use the bottle or look for a glass or use proper punctuation/grammar.
- If Les Miles shows up on your TV, toast with your buddies and drink.
- But if he mentions "chest," take a body shot.
As always, drink responsibly you heathens. I'd prefer that none of you die... unless you are an Alabama fan. Then, I probably wouldn't care. Just kidding, I don't want you to die either. Watching you suffer when we beat you is too precious.
Feel free to add more rules to the comments below!