With football season over, hockey playoffs not enjoyed by most of the South (you are sorely missing out though, let me tell ya…), and the specter of a very hot summer in front of us, the energy that is usually spent arguing the merits of head coaches, play calling, and conference superiority instead focuses on one thing and one thing only: food.
SO MANY HOT SPROTS FOOD TAKES! So. Many.
I once walked into the Las Vegas In N Out with a Florida blogger, his first time at the ubiquitous West Coast chain, and threatened him with death if he dared to tweet about it compared to Five Guys. "Why?" he queried. "Because there is absolutely nothing original or insightful you can bring to this tired ass argument." I was right. That SURELY doesn’t stop any of you from engaging in debate though.
In the spirit of "If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em", I’m just making a list here. I fully expect you all to argue amongst yourselves in the comments. I want ALL your opinions. Get it out. Feel better. And then move the fuck on. Go cure cancer. Go beat off. ANYTHING but this.
And I’m sure I’ve missed some things. Add those too. Consider this the airing of the food grievances.
Let’s get started:
1. Ketchup on hotdogs: a crime punishable by the Hague or not?
2. In N Out v 5 Guys: Do you even West Coast, brah?
3. Who you calling a cracker?: Wheat Thins v Triscuits.
4. B1G v SEC: steak v seafood. (California: WE HAVE IT ALL!)
5. Avocados: what really tempted Eve or gtfo here, harlot?
6. Mayo: greatest condiment ever or why are you putting that jizz on my sandwich?
7. Don’t even bother calling it BBQ if it’s not from ____. Subtitle: know the goddamn difference between que and grilling or face the wrath of the Internet.
8. Hoserism v Homerism: Montreal v New York bagels
9. Eat Moar Chiken: Chick-fil-a, Popeyes, Churches, KFC, Zaxbys? Or: You’re all wrong: Give me Cane’s or give me death! (Strong LSU bias.)
10. How bizarre: Waffle House & how it only makes sense when drunk at 4 a.m. and even then doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Tell ‘em what they’re missing, Southerners.
11. Skyline: a beautiful view on a plate or an unholy mix of spaghetti and chili?
12. It’s not the size, it’s the thickness: New York v Chicago pizza.
13. *Homer Simpson voice* mmm Donuts: Dunkin v Krispy Kreme. (And Tim Hortons for America's hat.)
14. Let’s go bowling: Outback stakes: Is your team better honored by a bloomin onion or coconut shrimp?
15. Swill: When drinking copious amounts outdoors in heat, what piss water beer is acceptable? (Note: if you ever meet a girl who "doesn’t drink beer because it’s gross", run.)
I’d include something about burritos and how Chipotle is no example of the art that is a tortilla stuffed with all kinds of deliciousness but you live in the South so just know that I’m right.
You want my HOT SPROTS FOOD TAKES? Don’t care! Giving it to you anyway!: As a native San Franciscan who went to school in the South, lives in the middle of nowhere and is marrying a Canadian: be open. Try it all. Give it a bite. Then form an opinion. I’ve had soft shell crabs (not a fan) and Dungeness (THE BEST). I’ve eaten jellyfish at Chinese banquets and rocky mountain oysters. I wish alligator was more readily available and crave shrimp po’boys but really could leave the work that is crawfish (I know, I know, sacrilege!). I’ve seen what you people do to squirrels. And it doesn’t end at feeding them French fries in the quad.
And respect your fellow man’s decision to defile his food in any way he sees fit. Just because you think throwing some brats on a grill in 40 degree weather is the saddest, most pathetic form of tailgating you can contemplate, it may be all your B1G brethren have.