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Translating CoachSpeak: Urban Meyer

Urban Meyer, resident evil genius at Florida, sat down with the SEC media and sort of answered their questions.  Since the good readers here ATVS are beginning to learn how to translate Les Miles' coachspeak in to normal English, we thought it would be a good idea if we tried to introduce a new Coachspeak dialect, the Urban Meyer.  As always, ATVS offers these translations to normal English as a public service to our readership.  Thanks.


WHAT HE SAID: "We're looking forward to our annual battle with one of the most talented teams in the country. Obviously, a very tough place to go play, but that's why you come to places like Florida. If you don't want to play in places like LSU or Alabama or all these SEC schools, you don't come play in this conference. So, we've got a lot of respect for our opponent, and I think this will be a great game."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Stop talking to me.  I'm only here to avoid getting fined by the SEC."

WHAT HE SAID: "If noise is a factor, then Tim won't play. That really hasn't been discussed. I'll ask that question myself. If noise is bothering Tim, Tim won't be in the game. That means he's still symptomatic. If there are no symptoms, then all the noise is legit, and it's not just at the line of scrimmage. It's calling the plays. It's communication on the sideline. There's somewhat of a misunderstanding that the crowd noise causes issues with the snap count, and most people don't use a snap count. It's just the functioning of the plays that the offenses and defenses (call). It's so complicated now than what it used to be. You have protection checks, the play checks and those type of things, so that's where it becomes an issue. But to answer your question, there will not be an issue with Tim or John (Brantley) with it. It's all the same."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Noise does not bother Tim Tebow.  He once completed a pass after being decapitated.  He just picked up his head and re-attached it with a staple gun.  He's a better human being than any of you, for he is Tim Tebow.  

By the way, did I mention how complex my offense is?  I'm a friggin' genius."

WHAT HE SAID:  "They've got good players. I played down there ... I was at Colorado State. We went down there and beat them. It was a long time ago, and the stadium wasn't a factor, and it was because the team wasn't very good. What makes LSU's stadium and environment, the fans, is those guys wearing the jerseys are really good players, and I think that's the same thing at Florida, the same thing that, like I mentioned Alabama. Hell, we've got one experience at Alabama. That's the loudest I've ever heard because they won 10 games that year. They had a really, really good team. So, all that other stuff's a little overrated. Once again, all due respect to LSU, that is, but what makes LSU LSU are those guys wearing those jerseys. They're really good players."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Curly Hallman.  Colorado St.  Remember that?  You punks went 2-9 that year.  If one of my teams went 2-9, I'd kill myself.  Or at least a walk-on. 

Oh yeah, your stadium sucks.  Bama is better than you.  What you gonna do about, huh?  Huh?  One more time - Curly Hallman.  You're one step away from returning to those days.  Sleep tight."   

WHAT HE SAID:  "I've never seen the attention to detail -- and I guess you'd expect that here at Florida -- but this is not one, two or three; it's many, many people involved with the evaluation phase on Tim, and yesterday's a perfect example. I think there were 12 people in the meeting that we had at one o'clock because we had to clear him to play -- to practice, not play -- to clear him to practice. So there will be an ongoing communication and evaluation up until game time."

WHAT HE MEANT: "When I send Tebow out there and he gets hurt... not my fault."  


WHAT HE SAID:  "I believe it's going to be legit as well, though. I think that this will not be a decision made today. After yesterday's practice I was told to game plan with the intent that there's a chance Tim could play. All the other stuff, we'll make decisions as we get closer. Is it an advantage, us not telling? I'm not worried about that right now. We're game planning as if there's a chance Tim could play and there's a chance he won't play, and that's pretty much going to be the response until the plans evolve down there (in Baton Rouge)."

WHAT HE MEANT:  "OF COURSE I'm messing with Miles.  Have you just met me?  I'm not telling anything I don't have to.  Make that yahoo prepare for two quarterbacks.  Did I mention that Miles sort of LOOKS like Curly Hallman? I wonder if his favorite play is a sack of Golden Flakes potato chips."


WHAT HE SAID:  "Practice real hard. Kind of strange? I'm not sure what 'kind of strange' means. He needs to go out and prepare to play the game. John'll be fine. John's done good. He's had a heck of a week of practice, and he's preparing to go play that game."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Don't even look at me.  I am your overlord.  I can't believe I have to waste time answering questions from you morons."


WHAT HE SAID:  "I think that's interesting. If you look at who, probably ... we've scored a lot of points, but the first two games weren't against SEC-style opponents. I think a lot of that is early in the year because some of these teams, including us, don't play ... we did not play ... like, last year we played Miami, and our scoring wasn't near as high. This year, we played teams from smaller conferences, and so we scored a lot of points. I can't speak on the rest of the conference. That's usually what happens, though, because of the defenses I see in this league. I just really studied that LSU-Georgia game, and that's SEC football. I see the way some of these other teams have played, so I don't know that (the numbers mean anything has changed). I just think the top-level schools in this conference are playing defense probably as good or better than they've played since we've been here."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Yes, I run up the score.  We'll stop it once you stop us.  Next question."

WHAT HE SAID:  "Defense has played at a high level. We didn't feel against Tennessee -- which I think has one of the best running backs in the country, No. 2 (Montario Hardesty) -- we did not play great defense. We played good defense against a good offensive team, but the one thing we take great pride on is the guys running to the ball, and it was not Florida-like, and Coach... did a great job showing '08 defense vs. '09. I think against Kentucky we played a little bit like '08, and that means the pursuit to the ball was relentless, and so that's what makes our (defense great). First of all, good players and relentless pursuit to the ball. Not some magic scheme, but intensity in the effort to the football. So, at this point, after last week we're playing at a very high level."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Have I mentioned how good my defense is?  Lost in all of this discussion of Tebow's brilliance and my genius is the fact my defense is also really good.  Thanks for that question.  We're great.  We're better than you."

WHAT HE SAID:  "I've got to be careful what I say, because we met on that in the spring. I wasn't there (at the LSU-Georgia game); I just saw what the whole country saw."

WHAT HE MEANT: "LSU is lucky to be 5-0.  Lucky as hell.  Les Hallman, I mean Curly Miles... damn it... I mean Les Miles is just the luckiest guy on earth, but the refs won't bail him out on Saturday.  I will crush him.  Now, get out of my way, I need to go boil some puppies in oil and then punch a kid with Down's Syndrome in the face.    

Did I mention I played on that Colorado St. that won in Tiger Stadium?  Boy, those LSU teams sucked.  It could happen again.  Think about that."