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Translating Coachspeak


Les Miles spoke with reporters today, and like any good head football coach, he tried to say as little as possible and use as many clichés as he could.  It is our duty here at ATVS to try and provide, you, the Tiger fan, with an accurate translation from Coachspeak to American English.

WHAT HE SAID: "I can tell you that Washington is a very good football team and is much improved. We saw them at their best, in my opinion. They were healthiest, and they were least susceptible to depth issues. Injuries are not an issue at this point in the season. I think our football team accomplished the goal. The goal is certainly to win and to overcome the new era of Washington football, the core system team that practiced entirely in the vacuum of their schedule for this LSU team without the need of school and the idea that this LSU team never traveled 2,500 miles and through time zones to play."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Those assholes don't start class until late September, so while we have to obey that BS 20 hour requirement, Washington can treat their players like the pseudo-professionals they are.  They were probably out there 60 hours a week, trying to install a gameplan.

They didn't have any injuries, no one on campus, no classes.  No distractions.  It was a dream.  How can I get that here?  They got every advantage and we still beat them.  Take that, Sark.  Oh, I know I'm saying they are a good team now, but I'd like to cover myself in case they go 4-8.  It was the injuries." 

WHAT HE SAID: "With that being said, it was a job well done, but we didn't play as well as we would've liked. Certainly our football team is understanding that we will play very fine football teams moving forward, and we have to be better. Our football team understands the want to play best. I made that point on Monday when I met with the team, and it came in that group of men that we want to play better. It was a nice way to start the season with a victory. I think we played efficiently."

WHAT HE MEANT: "We beat friggin' Washington by 8 points.  That sucks.  The spread was what?  17?  I yelled myself hoarse at those guys.  The team now knows if they put forth the same effort against Vandy, I'm revoking somebody's scholarship."


WHAT HE SAID: "The offensive line played well except for some miscues in communications. If we had eliminated four three-and-outs, the offense would have been in the game longer. They only played 48 snaps. It's hard to get into a real rhythm. I also want you to know that the plan was to get Russell Shepard in the game. That was a want of our staff. But again, in tight quarters, down seven, we wanted to make sure we handled the ball with great efficiency and didn't make mistakes, and I really didn't think it was fair to put a true freshman in the game at that point on the road at Washington."

WHAT HE MEANT: "You think I'm ever trusting a freshman QB again?  Shepard ain't touching the ball until we're blowing someone out by three scores.  I want to keep my house. 

If I ever see the offensive line yelling at Jefferson in front of an ESPN camera, I'm going to choke somebody.  No one cares about your opinion, Ciron.  You're paid to block people.  Did I say paid?  I mean granted a scholarship.  Scott's not the most nimble of backs.  Open a damn hole, then you can complain about the snap count."


WHAT HE SAID: "Defensively, I think early on if we had tackled more crisply, the game is much different. The opportunity to play better is certainly there. I felt that the adjustments that were made at halftime were sound and that our defense played better in the second half. There are five plays in that game that could have been eliminated with tackling and playing the call the way it was supposed to be called. The last drive of 80 yards was the defense playing the situation of the game."

WHAT HE MEANT: "We paid a lot of money to get an established defensive co-ordinator, and that's what I get?  If I knew the defense was going to be that lousy, I'd have kept the Malveto.  Oh, and to everyone complaining about UW scoring a meaningless touchdown with no time on the clock - bite me."


WHAT HE SAID: "I thought on special teams in the game, Derek Helton, when he hit it, he hit it right. He mishit a couple of punts, and that's not him; that's not how he plays. I felt like Josh Jasper came in, hit four PATs and a field goal and was really good in kickoffs."

WHAT HE MEANT: "Jasper can still punt, right?"


WHAT HE SAID: "Jacob Cutrera, who in his first year starting and first year of a lot of football, tipped the pass and returned it for a touchdown. Certainly, I hope that's the start of a lot of Saturdays for him like that. The issues for us are to improve."

WHAT HE MEANT: "To all of you armchair head coaches who questioned my decision to start Cutrera... in your face."


WHAT HE SAID: ""As we line up against Vanderbilt in Tiger Stadium, this is a team that returns 18 starters. They were a bowl team a year ago and won against Boston College in a bowl game. (Head coach) Bobby Johnson is in his eighth year. He does a great job in coaching. That team is well-coached and is always in position to make plays. They beat Western Carolina, 45-0. They put up 620 total offensive yards against Western Carolina with 433 (yards) rushing. Two freshmen, Zac Stacy had 133 yards and Warren Norman had 105. They have a quarterback in Larry Smith that has mobility and can throw it. He passed for 153 yards and a touchdown and rushed for 66 yards."

WHAT HE SAID: "Yeah, it's Vandy.  If we don't win on Saturday, I might as well stop reading my mail."