As those of you who follow the Game Threads know, I've been having some recent medical problems (I blame Greg McElroy - I don't know how, but I'm sure he did something to me), which is why my drink of choice in the Game Threads has been Vicodin.*
*BRIEF ASIDE: Why does Eminem love Vicodin so much? Why on earth would you take this crap recreationally? It's like saying to yourself: "Hey, self, I'd like to be woozy but not in a fun way, with the added bonus of upsetting my stomach so I can't eat anything, but ironically, I have to take the pill on a full stomach or I'll get even more sick. Is there a pill that does this? Vicodin? Really? I'll take ten dozen." I mean, it doesn't just suck a little bit, it sucks a whole lot. I can't imagine taking this stuff FOR FUN.
Anyway, I had minor back surgery this week, so I've been out of commission, and probably will be for the rest of the week. I'm less coherent than a Les Miles press conference. Which is a shame, because this week's Lunch with Les was just begging for a CoachSpeak translation. I apologize for not writing that. Because it was really funny in my head. Hell, it's funny without the translation.
Everyone else has been dropping the knowledge this week, so I don't really have a whole lot to add that'll make a whole lot of sense other than this:
I hate Auburn.
I hate their colors. I hate their stadium. I hate their campus. I hate the toilet paper thing. I hate the 2006 game, which is the only game played by a team I root for in any sport that I truly believe was decided by poor officiating. I hate Tommy Tuberville. I know he doesn't coach there anymore, but it doesn't mean I still don't hate them for employing him. And Terry Bowden.
I hate the Cigar game. I hate Dameuyune Craig or however it is you spell it. I really hate Jason Campbell. I hate that Auburn got to rekick a missed extra point due to a rule so obscure that it has only been called once in a game (against LSU), and was then promptly taken out of the rulebook.
I hate that Auburn is "gritty" and "knows how to win" but we are "lucky". I hate that Auburn is viewed as up and coming and LSU is in decline despite the fact that LSU improved by more SEC wins last season and has won more games in conference than Auburn for three straight years. I hate Cameron Newton's Heisman campaign.
I hope the earth opens up and swallows Auburn's campus whole. I hate them. I hope they lose every game. I hate that Auburn is getting credit for playing well and that LSU is not. You'd think having a great defense would mean something, but apparently not. I hope we don't just win, I want to kill Auburn. I want a blowout. I want every media member who has spent the season mocking LSU to have to write a grudgingly positive column next week about how maybe, just maybe, LSU isn't just some marginal team getting by on lucky breaks. You know who they are.
I hate Auburn. I hate the doubters. I hate the constant chorus of "luck", which is just a way to deny LSU credit. I hate LSU fans who have adopted that storyline just because they hate Les Miles. I hate constantly apologizing for a team that is 7-0. I hate having to justify our success this season. Apologies have stopped, now we're just taking names.
This game is payback. You hear me, guys? This is the game where you go out and take out all of your frustrations against all of the negative energy surrounding this team this season. Auburn is the team getting your justly deserved plaudits. Go take it from them. They are the physical manifestation of the profound lack of credit you have received.
They must be punished for that. No one is going to give you anything. You're just going to have to take it. If y'all want positive coverage, if you want people to recognize what you have accomplished, you're going to have to beat the hell out of Auburn. Go do it. I believe in you.
Or maybe it's just the Vicodin talking.