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Re: Miles and Michigan

Dear Michigan,

Please do not hire our coach, Les Miles.  Now, I know he's a bit of a longshot candidate, has already denied interest in the job, and he likely hasn't even been contacted.  I just wanted to tell y'all what a terrible hire Miles would be at Michigan.  Let's count the ways.

He can't count.  Obviously, Les Miles is the only coach in the history of football with clock management issues.  I have never seen a coach have problems managing the clock at any school other than LSU.  Also, his gaffe in the Ole Miss game cost LSU a third place finish in the SEC and a trip to the Citrus Bowl.  Two things that, of course, didn't happen as a result of that loss.  The clock management thing is the #1 responsibility of a coach and therefore Les Miles is a total buffoon who obviously will never have any success.

Any success has been due to luck.  I didn't really follow Miles at Oklahoma St., but he clearly had no success there.  It's not like he had the highest winning percentage of any Cowboy coach since the Great Depression (min. 2 seasons).  Besides, it's not like anyone any good had coached there before Miles, like Jimmy Johnson.  And what has he done at LSU other than win a national title?  It's not like he's LSU's winningest coach ever or anything.  It's not like he followed up Saban by doubling the number of 10-win seasons under his tenure.  If he did accomplish any of those things, it was all completely by blind luck, and not by any sort of ability.  It's been six years now, but he's still winning with Saban's players.

He's not a true Michigan Man.  After a failed stab at changing the culture, Michigan seems to be looking to go back to its roots of conservative, three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust offense with a suffocating defense.  Well, Miles is not the guy for that.  Because Miles ain't conservative, he's insane.  Miles is constantly calling for fakes and trick plays.  He remembers, first and foremost, that games are supposed to be fun.  Michigan football is not about fun, it's about mud and pain.  Miles wouldn't fit in there at all.  He's even smiled once.

He oversigns.  Yes, it's true.  Les Miles has once offered a player a greyshirt.  This proves that he is a morally reprehensible scumbag unworthy of even looking a Michigan alum in the eye, much less coaching their team.  Les Miles actually signed an extra player last year, planning for the possible eventuality that one of his recruits would not academically qualify.  Shocking, I know.  He is going directly to hell for this.  Pay no attention to Zach Lee leaving after a week to go play pro baseball. 

He isn't arrogant enough.  Michigan had to fire their head coach one month from Signing Day, a pretty terrible time to be without a coach.  Of course, Michigan fully expected Harbaugh to leave Stanford, turn down the NFL, and come crawling back to Michigan for reasons that pass understanding.  It's like it never occurred to anyone that Harbaugh might prefer the NFL.  Remember, this isn't something that happened to Michigan, this is by their own design.  And they have the gall to pretend they are too good for Les Miles.  Miles, OTOH, is a guy who has consistently deflected credit to his players and shoulders blame for just about everything.  Defense improves? Chavis.  Recruiting?  Wilson gets the credit.  Big win? Credit goes to the players.  Bad loss?  All Miles fault.  Well, and whichever QB is out of favor that week.  Going to Michigan requires a coach to believe his shit don't stink.  Miles uses his to fertilize the grass he eats. 

It's a bad fit, guys.  Les Miles is obviously a terrible coach, whose long run of coaching success has been fueled by nothing but luck.  He's an immoral man who we all hate.  He's a terrible coach and a worse person.  You don't want him, Michigan.  You surely don't.  He'll bring you nothing but ruin, just like he's done here at LSU. 

P.S.  Please don't throw us in the briar patch.