Realistic Pessimism Knows WE ARE DOOMED!

Well, we should just cancel the game next weekend. Obviously, LSU has no chance of beating Alabama which is, without any exaggeration whatsoever, the greatest team in the history of organized sports. At this point, the only question is how much LSU is going to lose by.

Alabama has only trailed for a few seconds in the entire season, which speaks to their total dominance. I would say I've watched the games, but Alabama is so brilliant and perfect, I've been forced to avert my eyes. It's like gazing into the sun or the visage of God Himself. One must turn away because mere mortals cannot comprehend such perfection. Do you know hard it is to make a tackle when your face is melting off like one of the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark?*

*Which is, as we all know, a completely accurate historical document.

Not only is Alabama undefeated, and unbeatable, look at the teams they have beaten. Tennessee and Michigan? Need I say more? Those are two of the best programs in the history of college football, and Alabama has crushed both of them. Completely unrelated, but have you heard that Nirvana's drummer has just formed a new band? I think they are gonna be huge. Why yes, I did just step out of a time machine from 1997, why do you ask?

Alabama, as our dedicated readers know, leads the SEC in our own quarterback metric, ATVSQBPI. They also lead the nation in defensive ATVSDPI. On top of that, Alabama leads the nation in every statistical measure ever invented or will be invented. There are several computer polls which did not place Alabama in the top space, but they were running the new Windows software, and the glich has since been rectified. As soon as Alabama is returned to the top spot, the BCS staffers will release the poll designers' families from captivity, completely unharmed.

Alabama has never lost a game to another team due to the other team's quality play, it has always been a combination of Alabama's own disinterest and luck. Seeing as this team is the most focused team in the history of football, there is no chance they will falter or get distracted by something shiny, or NCAA investigators digging through their trash. And LSU cannot count on being as insanely lucky as they have been in the past, because surely they had nothing to do with winning last November. They were just practice cones standing there.

This is just the natural order of things. Alabama has completely dominated LSU over the past two decades, and it's silly to argue otherwise. I mean, look at the records. Les Miles is a mere 3-3 against Nick Saban, showing Saban's complete domination of this series. And it predates Saban, as evidenced by Alabama's total domination in the SEC's modern era. Since the SEC expanded and added the SEC Championship Game, Alabama has won three SEC titles, which is clearly more than LSU's four. The domination has continued in recent years, as Saban has won one SEC title at Alabama, while Les Miles has won a mere two SEC titles at LSU.

That's just incredible domination. One day, maybe my child will see LSU beat Alabama, but I doubt it. Over the past twenty meetings, LSU has only won 11 of them. We have no experience with beating Alabama, and will surely be too intimidated to even take the field. Clearly, Alabama has owned LSU during these players' lifetimes. They know nothing else. It is the natural order.

And now, LSU has lost four players who aren't even on the team anymore. I don't know how they will adjust their depth chart to overcome such personnel losses. I think Miles will likely have to move Smacker up the depth chart to take NICKNAME REDACTED's place in the stands. His contributions were going to be critical, but I think Smacker has learned how to cheer and wave a towel with the best of them. I have confidence in her abilities to step up in our time of need.

But clearly, we have no chance. Alabama is an unbeatable juggernaut who inspires such fear in our fans and our players, that we will spend the next week cowering under the covers. I want to think we have a shot, but if history is any guide, it is clear we are doomed. We have no chance.

Cancel the game. Just give Alabama the title. Sort of like last year.