Geaux to Hell Ole Miss

On another board I used to start a "Geaux to Hell Ole Miss" thread every year. Unfortunately I lost the first few in the Great Hard Drive Crash of '09, but here's a brief one from 2009 (must've been busy that week) and a regular length one from 2010. I didn't do one last year, because....why bother? There were no Ole Miss fans around for me to agitate anyway. I guess you should probably understand that while I'm still only in my early 30's, the Ole Miss game is the one my dad always took me to when I was a boy. He hated Ole Miss passionately, and he passed it on to me. For me, the Ole Miss game is still a really big deal and I hate losing to them. The first few were real winners because there were several Ole Miss fans around back then for me to really get into it with, and I fought them with every bit of prose in my body. Sadly they are now lost forever. If I get around to writing on this week, I'll add it on here. Anyway, enjoy.

4th annual GtHOM thread. (2009)

I know you guys are bitter and depressed about being so hyped pre-season only to find once again that your team has only a pipe dream of winning the SEC in the forseeable future, and being relegated once again to media-forgotten afterthoughts.

But take heart. I still know you're out there. And I hate you.

And that's worth something, right?

Your inability to make a dent in this conference in God knows how long hasn't changed anything. Not even your failure to make this series competitive in my lifetime has softened my stance towards you goofy backwoods Rebels.

And that brings up another point. Rebels. WTF even IS that??? What are yall rebelling against? Success? A trip to Atlanta? A QB not named Manning to amount to anything? If so, well played.

At least I can thank you for beating us last year. I had nearly forgotten you guys were out there, and that gesture of sportsmanship reminded us all not to forget our weak sisters to the north.

I'd say good luck this week, but yall's recent history against us on your home field is as pathetic as Clay Aiken's music career. Tell your Texas-reject quarterback that super-awesome 2006 Texas A&M squad said hello. And let Dexter McCluster know that Trindon Holiday is available for counseling afterwards, he is somewhat familiar with being a little guy smacked around by large defenders.

And tell your coach to give his team another pre-game pep talk about just giving him the first 15 minutes against dem Tigahs. For old time's sake.

Silly Rebels. Vols are for kids.

Geaux to hell, Ole Miss.

5th Annual GtHOM thread (2010)

I see what you did here, and I have to say: Nice try, but no.

Your efforts to plunge your program into heretofore uncharted depths of irrelevance and, well, just overall suckiness, do not go unnoticed. And hey, I for one think you are to be applauded for your efforts towards obscurity. This season has been a fine craftsmanship of ineptitude the likes of which we've rarely ever seen.

What I'm trying to say is, you've really outdone yourself this time.

But the fatal flaw (if there could only be only one when referring to the wreck that is your program) is this: you can't be so obvious about it. We get it. Some people are born princes, some are born paupers. Ole Miss fans (--well, there's debate over whether you're born at all, or merely hatched) are no doubt so weary of the embarrassments heaped upon them time after time that they aspire to nothing else than to be forgotten in the footnotes of history. I say again, we get it. But there's something to be said for moderation. Not drawing attention to yourself. At this point, it's almost unbelievable to all but the untrained eye. You know....the one at the middle of our field your future inmates think it's cute to stomp on every other pre-game.

Let's just look at the ways you've disappointed me this year.

The only SEC West team to fail to hit at least 2-1 vs. the Cesspool of Inadequacy that is the SEC East? Check. That's an embarrassment, a blight on our division, and make no mistake, we're not alone. We'd ALL trade you for Vandy if we could. At least Vandy brings academics to the table.

Right......which reminds me. Vandy. Beat you. At home in the Grove. Under normal circumstances I'd be trying to hide a giggle to see if anybody gets the joke. Alas, to the shame of all of us in the West, nobody but Vanderbilt and their long-suffering faithful are laughing.

Staying in the state of Tennessee, how 'bout that team named for said state? 99 out of 100 years, I don't get to say this, but losing to UT is even worse. And here's an example of where you're going wrong with all this. It's not just that you lost. It's that you got annihilated. Losing is one thing. Fine, off the radar. But everybody knows you're trying to sink the ship when you let them force entry to your posterior with no lubrication. I mean, LSU, with our Offense Of A Thousand Sorrows, toyed around with the idea of losing to UT, but actually did it. I don't know whether to shake my head and throw a rose on your casket or applaud you for the sheer ballsiness of that milestone in your campaign of failure.

Of course, I suppose we should first back up to the initial red flag that warned us all you were endeavoring to new heights in the Shenanigans department. I speak, of course, of Jacksonville State. Ryan Perrilloux doesn't even play there anymore. Did the calendar get mixed up somewhere in the front office? Did you guys take that damned “Turn your clocks back 3 seconds in LA” schtick so far so many times that you're now off by a year? Are we to believe the ghost of a former Tiger is now all it takes to make the Artist Formerly Known As Rebels roll over and submit? Plausibility. Learn it, love it, and for the love of God, find some when you're intentionally going to cut off your nose to spite your face. Remember, the insurance company doesn't pay if you advertise to them you burned the house down on purpose.

I mean......I'm running out of ways to express my disbelief. Even your pre-season antics of hiring (scratch that......”offering a 2nd chance to a misunderstood young man) an embattled quarterback with legal and NCAA clearance problems got eclipsed by a far more interesting embattled quarterback on the Plains. One that actually is worth the trouble. One that actually wins games for his team. This is what its come to now? You can't even win a war of public relations nightmares?

But enough of that. The point is not to dwell on the Yes We Cams, but rather the Rebels We Ain't.

During all this, you finally found time to rename yourselves as I've been suggesting for years. You'll remember I often wondered what the hell you were ever rebelling against, and the only serviceable answer I was ever able to come up with was success. So you finally get around to this program-defining task, and you come up with......Bears? I would've suggested Rats, since fans on this board seem to have abandoned this sinking ship long ago (always a sure sign of what's coming, when the rats disembark). Or maybe even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—something kids find fun, but eventually they grow up and realize it's not worth staying interested in. But okay....Bears. Well, I suppose it's only fitting to align yourself with Baylor, perennial doormats of their own conference.

Oh, but wait. Baylor is actually better than you this year. Seems they don't want to be in your company any more than we do, and it inspired them to get up and go bowling, something that means nothing more than a night at the campus alley to your players.

It disgusts me that you even want to run this campaign, let alone run it so poorly and blatantly and without even any remote means of plausibility.

This, perhaps more than anything else, is why we just don't like you.

Or maybe it's because you spend every waking second hating us.

Chicken and the egg at this point, though it's clear the Program Penis Envy is only unidirectional.

And there it is, more than anything else.

I know you do all this on purpose, to irritate us. There can be no other explanation. Nobody is THAT screwed up on accident. No, that takes planning and a concerted team effort. You have to have help from higher up, from your Athletic Director, all the way down to your waterboys.

I hate you because you're not trying anymore. I hate you for sticking yourselves in with the rest of us and then rarely living up to your end of the bargain. I hate you because you've turned the Magnolia Bowl into meaningless tripe in which we can only laugh at ourselves if we lose, and gain nothing if we win. I hate you because, win or lose, you've taken history worth savoring and taken a dump on it, and then attempt to throw it in our face any rare chance you get. I hate you because when we, LSU, end your chances at going bowling this weekend, you won't even have the decency or humanity left to care.

I hate you for what you are. I hate you for what you aren't.

Because despite everything else you fail to live up to, you somehow manage to still be worth despising.

And I oblige.

Geaux to hell, Ole Miss.