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Hating Auburn Is Like Breathing

You lucky bastards. Mandatory Credit: John Reed-US PRESSWIRE
You lucky bastards. Mandatory Credit: John Reed-US PRESSWIRE

You know what I hate about Auburn?


I hate your colors. I hate you stupid bird named "Tiger" which I'm sure is causing no confusion whatsoever in the animal husbandry department.

I hate the Plains. I hate Toomer's Corner. I hate the toilet paper thing, though I'd likely let y'all borrow a roll so you can celebrate beating the mighty Warhawks of Monroe.

I hate Gene Chizik. I hate Trooper Taylor and his stupid towel and his backwards baseball cap. You're a grown man, turn that thing around like a normal person. I hate whatever corrupt as hell booster you have paying your team this year.

I hate your band. I hate your cheerleaders. I hate your lame piped-in music which you've incorporated to your pregame. Welcome to the Jungle? Really? Y'all ain't Guns ‘n Roses, unless you're the sad version with Buckethead and Fat Axl.

I hate the Iron Bowl. I hate every team in Alabama. I hate having to pay attention to you and justifying your weak ass performance to my Big 12 boosting officemates. Carry your weight, guys. It's one thing to apologize for Ole Miss because they have some pretty co-eds, a nice party, and William Faulkner references. What I'm saying is, give me something to work with other than "Got away scot free, and I bet you didn't see that coming."

I hate your national title. I hate that you have apparently decided to give up football in the wake of said title. Show some pride, people. LSU and Bama are playing slobberknocking football and generally looking terrifying to all comers, and y'all are losing by eighteen points to Mississippi State.

I hate that you will probably give us a good game because LSU always seems to play like a pile of dog poo in the Plains. The team always plays like they don't want to be there and can't wait to leave... and who can blame them? My first goal upon arriving in Auburn is to get hell out of there as soon as possible, too. But it would be nice if we could win the football game first.

I hate that the bar is so lowered this weekend. Win, and LSU just did what they are supposed to do. Hell, LSU can't just win, they have to win by 30 or some such nonsense or else we'll be subjected to another round of the Your Wins Don't Count chorus. So thank for that. And if LSU loses... well, I don't even want to contemplate that. Not to this Auburn team.

Seriously, Plainsmen. Get your act together. Not this weekend, but preferably by the time to you play Alabama. Because my hatred is transforming into disgust and my disgust is transforming into pity. And I really hate it when that happens. I will blame you for that and hate you even more.

Welcome to Hate Week, y'all.