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Delusional Optimism Knows Everyone Is Rooting for LSU

An open letter to every college football fan who does not root for Bama

You are relying on this man to be your savior. Plan accordingly.
You are relying on this man to be your savior. Plan accordingly.
Chris Graythen

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever."

-- George Orwell

Very rarely in sports is there a clear good guy and a clear bad guy. One fan's hero is another fan's villain. Every time they show an old clip of the Immaculate Reception, you know there's an old Raiders fan just going into convulsions. The 1980 Miracle on Ice is legend here, and was a national disgrace in Russia. That's the way it goes. These are zero sum games, for the most part.

So it is kind of cool that pretty much every single college football fan, outside of Alabama fans and some really committed Ole Miss partisans, will be rooting for LSU this weekend. Hey, we appreciate the support.

Yes, we know that you're not really rooting for LSU, but instead are rooting against Bama. We'll take it. We also know that the major reason that you can root for us is that we're a complete non-factor in the national title race this year. Sometimes it pays to be non-threatening, eh?

Someone has to stop the Red Menace, and that somebody is us. The heel of Bama oppression has been stamping on the face of college football for too long, and let's be honest, it's all y'all's fault.

We already beat these guys in 2011. Game of the Century, remember? Well, you invited them for a rematch. OK, one time thing, right? Then, in 2012, we dropped the ball but A&M picked up the slack. Two straight years, Alabama lost a game in November, which is usually the death knell for a team's title chances. As we all know, if you're gonna lose, lose early.

Well, unless you're Bama. Because they lost, again, and y'all voted them into the title game AGAIN.

So now it's Year Three and we're all suffering a bit of Bama Fatigue. 60 Minutes is running puff pieces about Nick Saban. It's like we've given up and just accepted the state of things and decided to start loving Big Brother.

Oh, y'all need Alabama to lose? You need our help again? Will it actually count this time? Can we deliver Bama their annual November choke job and not have the rest of y'all bail them out with your ballots? Because if we beat them for the the fourth time in the last five trips to Tuscaloosa, just so you can put them back in the title game... well, it's not really worth our bother, now is it?

Oregon? Love your cheerleaders and your crazy uniforms. Scratch that, I just love your cheerleaders. Florida State? That Winston kid is pretty great and I feel like a schmuck for doubting him. Ohio State? Well, I can't say I like anything about you, but you did have the decency to lose to us in 2007 so I guess we owe you a solid. Baylor? Hey, I'm a big fan of the underdog. And thanks for that postgraduate degree. Heck, a win here helps Auburn get closer to winning the SEC West, which makes me throw up in my mouth.

We love all of you. We got no problem going into Bryant-Denny and doing your dirty work. It will even be fun. There's nothing that makes me smile more than watching A.J. McCarron cry.

We know that you're just using us. That's okay. We don't mind, this once. Here, have a bowl of gumbo and a Turbodog. I'm sure someone has a Jacob Hester jersey you can borrow. How often does the entire sport come together, united in one single purpose? Not that often, I'll tell you what.

But here we are. One nation, united in our hatred of Alabama football. It's almost like a dream come true. It's time to yet again defeat the Red Menace. Let's hope this time, they stay dead, instead of rising up like an unstoppable horror movie villain. Look, we'll kill them the first time, but it's up to you to hack up the corpse. Deal? Stop voting for them. Actually punish Bama for losing to one of the few good teams they play all year. That part is on you.

We do not love Big Brother. We stand in resistance to the Red Menace. Let the college football world stand as one and cheer like hell for the Tigers. Because we're the universally loved good guys, even if it's just for this one night.

Welcome aboard, everybody. Delusional Optimism is here to save the day, and that makes us big damn heroes.