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Your Team Sucks

Why every SEC team is doomed to fail this year

More fumbles!
More fumbles!
Daniel Shirey-USA TODAY Sports

It's almost opening week, which means that every fan of every team is excited by the prospect of this year's season. This is the time of year we tell ourselves that our team has solved all of last year's problems, and last year's strengths will only get stronger. Everyone is excited and every wrapped present under the tree is going to be totally awesome.

Well, you're wrong. Your team is going to suck. Your team will break your heart this year, just like they did last year, because that is the way the world works. Being a fan is all about pain, and don't ever forget it. Here's why your team is going to disappoint this year:

Vanderbilt. Congrats, you went 9-4 last year against a schedule so soft that even Alabama would be ashamed to play it. Well, instead of playing Auburn this year, y'all get Texas A&M. Good luck with that. Zac Stacey was a really good, really productive player for the Commodores, and you don't just snap your fingers and replace that.

Texas A&M. I'd like to introduce all Aggies to the statistical concept of "regression to the mean". Bill James call is to the Plexiglass Principle, and it applies to all sports: teams that make a huge improvement in their record tend to regress in Year Two. Oh, and Johnny Manziel is getting suspended. Or arrested.

Tennessee. The good news: you return 8 starters on defense. The bad news: the defense sucked out loud last year. Remember the 1990s, when y'all were awesome? Yeah, check out those rosters and see how many of those great players on those great teams were from Tennessee. Carolina kids can now stay home, welcome to your New Normal. Oh, and it's a good thing your boosters have deep pockets, as they are paying a lot of guys to no longer coach there.

South Carolina. Jadeveon Clowney can only play one position. You could only rush for 70 yards against Florida and LSU. Combined. So as soon as your running game met a good defense, it wilted. Good thing y'all didn't lose an amazing talent in the backfield or anything.

Ole Miss. You are Ole Miss. It's cute that you signed two or three great players and now you think it magically makes the rest of your roster awesome, but it doesn't quite work that way. How did it work out the last time you were getting preseason hype? I can't remember.

Missouri. You are a finesse team that couldn't pass. Now, far be it from an LSU fan to criticize another team's quarterback, but really? You're just gonna let James Franklin do that to you again?

Mississippi State. You were winless against bowl teams last year. Winless. You've been mediocre long enough that you don't get a pat on the head for not sucking out loud like your cross-state rival, but Mullen has done nothing to catch the upper echelon of the division. This is yet another year stuck in neutral. This is as good as it gets for you, boys.

LSU. Oh, we have a new offensive coordinator who is going to make everything better? Why, I have never heard this particular story before, please tell me how it ends.

Kentucky. In their defense, I'm yet to meet a Kentucky fan who has hope about this season. This is the one fanbase that will not be disappointed this year, as they all know exactly what they are getting.

Georgia. You are replacing nearly every starter on the defense which wasn't very good last year, anyway. It's a good thing your schedule breaks right so you will have plenty of time to break in all of those new starters against some directional schools in those first two weeks. Luckily, a loss to Clemson won't affect your chances in the SEC race and then ruining someone's season in the title game. Wouldn't it be the most Georgia thing ever to win the SEC and not get a bid to the BCSCG? You're welcome, Dawg fans. Now you have four months to think about that possibility.

Florida. Everything broke right last year. The only person on earth lucky enough to have the heavens align in such a fashion for two consecutive seasons is Nick Saban, and we think that's because he is the Football Antichrist. The team could actually play better yet have a worse record. How much fun would that be?

Auburn. Gus Malzahn is a genius. Unfortunately, Cam Newton is not on the roster. We checked. Also, the defense should be fast and undersized, which I'm sure will work wonders against the power-based offenses in Tuscaloosa and Baton Rouge.

Arkansas. Think last year only without a quarterback. Bielema plans to run a power-based offense with talent recruited for a Petrino style offense. I'm sure that will work out great.

Alabama. One of these years, losing a game in November will actually bite y'all on the ass. Most teams don't get bailed out by the pollsters every time they fail to finish up strong, and it's only a matter of time before Alabama gets treated like every other team in the poll when you have your annual November Loss. You also have to replace three starters from the offensive line, including two All-Americans, and no team ever has a problem doing that.

Enjoy everybody. Your team is going to lose.