Delusional Optimism Can't Hate Auburn

Who you choose to hate defines you. We have a bit of reputation for not being particularly fond of Alabama, but the source of our hatred is pretty easy to spot: they are real good and they win a lot. No one hates Kentucky. At least, not during football season.

It's why Ole Miss pretends LSU is their biggest rival. LSU competes for titles and Ole Miss would like to be included in that company. The far more depressing truth is that their season is a big work-up to the Egg Bowl. Mississippi State is a bit more their speed. It's okay if they keep hating LSU, but we shouldn't stoop down to Ole Miss' level. I mean, no one roots for the bully picking on the scrawny kid.

It is keeping with this basic truth in mind that I had planned on skipping Auburn Hate Week this year. I mean, the Tigers haven't won a football game against an SEC foe since October 29, 2011. It's been ten straight losses since then. It's not like the other sports have gone any better. Auburn finishes dead last in football and basketball, and last in the SEC West in baseball. Is there nothing these guys can do right? It just seems mean to kick sand in their face when they seem to be doing such a good job of humiliating themselves on their own -

THIS JUST IN: It appears Auburn has actually won an SEC football game. Sure, it was Mississippi St, but that still kind of counts. Hate Week is back on!

Remember when I said that we really hate Alabama? Yeah, that's still true. I hate Bama's ever living guts. But know what I hate more? Wannabe Bama. I mean, at least Alabama is pure, undistilled Evil. Auburn aspires to be Evil. That's just sad. Have some standards.

What makes the SEC so special are all of the traditions that make each of us unique. The Vol Navy. The Grove. Between the hedges. The H-style goalposts.

What is Auburn's tradition? I mean, other than going on NCAA probation. It's amazing there isn't a branch office in Opelika just to save on travel expenses for NCAA investigators. OK, they apparently do this thing with toilet paper which is just about a perfect metaphor for Auburn football. What shall I do with this toilet paper? Roll the Corner or wipe my own ass?

Nothing about Auburn is unique or interesting. Rolling the Corner isn't even unique. Wake Forest does that, too, and did it first. And they at least have the decency to pretend to care about the environmental impact.

Mascot? Come on, there are now three Tigers in the SEC. Can y'all stop ripping us off? Any of the rest of y'all making a tribute to soldiers in the Civil War? Nope. Also, Tigers are not day glow orange. If you're going to go with that look, at least pretend your mascot is some insane coke addict.

Look, they can't even cheat right. Sure, Auburn has been on football probation four times for eleven years, an SEC record. But they can't even compete with the professionals at USC, who have been placed on probation six times for a total of 15 seasons.

At least USC buys its way to national titles and a few Heisman Trophies. Auburn can't even do that. OK, they finally figured out a way to purchase a player for $180,000 and win a national title. They even found the most brilliant loophole, now since closed, that made it legal for Cam's dad to solicit cash.

Got to give credit to Auburn on this front. They are a program so corrupt that they have an NCAA rule named after them. That's the Auburn Difference.

This is a school that plays Welcome to the Jungle before home games. Points for originality, I guess, if someone wanted to take credit for being so low rent that they would willingly pipe in 80s hair metal to hype up the fan base. What are we, the NFL? Don't y'all have a band? Did someone lose the ability to teach them to read music? We know reading isn't Auburn's strong suit, but come on. Surely, someone learned in high school.

Is there anything distinctively Auburn worth hating? If Auburn had any less of an identity, they would be Southern Miss. Hating Auburn is beginning to reflect poorly on LSU, because we shouldn't hate on a school so desperately trying to fit in. Next thing we know, they will be growing hedges to be more like Georgia... what? Oh , you got to be kidding me.

Seriously, guys. Get your own thing. Preferably something other than Hobbes peeing on a Bama logo to match the corresponding Calvin sticker on your beat up Chevy truck.

Well, I got news for the Champions of "Me, too!" We'll make an exception to the rule of thumb. We got room in our hearts to hate you, too. We already hate Alabama, so it's not too much trouble to hate Bama's Little Brother. That's all you will ever be. We have to put up with you because you come as part of the Alabama Package.

Really, all you do is make me hate Alabama more.