Playin..."Nice"... : Alligator Army

I haven't been to The Swamp in a couple of years, especially for a night game. Is it true that the field is still lit up by meth labs located on the top of the stadium?

Common misconception. Those are actually signal fires for other meth labs in Micanopy.

Look, I know Urban Meyer kind of left the program in a lurch and everything, but why did he take his copy of the Necronomicon as well? Seems like a dick move to leave Will Muschamp with nothing but bad luck.

Right? But it wasn't that bad until 2013 ... and Florida is 7-9 since Aaron Hernandez was charged with murder. If this is the Gators' penance for a former player doing unspeakable things, I actually kind of get it.

Don't really get LSU not suffering through similar things for JaMarcus Russell starting the reign of Jimbo Fisher, First Round Draft Pick Minter, though.

Why hasn't Andre Debose been able to give more help to Jeff Driskel? I mean the guy caught passes from Spurrier, Wuerffel AND Tebow, he oughta be able to pass some things along, you know?

You forgot John Brantley, Ingle Martin, Jordan Reed, Trey Burton, Jacoby Brissett, Tyler Murphy, Jesse Palmer, Doug Johnson, Noah Brindise, Terry Dean, Wayne Peace, Larry Ochab, John Brantley's dad, and Bobby Dodd. How dare you.

I think Debose has really struggled to make an impact on the Florida offense because he learned football from Pop Warner 100 years ago and is having trouble adjusting to the forward pass.

Andre Debose has always been at war with Eastasia.

Little-known fact: Andre Debose excels at palmistry, told John Reaves in the huddle in 1971 that his daughter would eventually marry Lane Kiffin. Reaves didn't believe him. Then it happened.

Andre Debose is so old that he remembers the first "is so old" joke.

So with the defense struggling a little bit to date, how many lockers has Will Muschamp head-butted his way through so far?

Chalkboards, not lockers. And 14.

Do you think the matchup between these two offenses are likely to cause diarrhea, or will the side-effects be more limited to surface ailments like hives, blisters, hair-loss, etc...?

You know how every old person medicine and that one insurance that Alex Trebek hawks is advertised during The Price is Right because it's the No. 1 show in nursing homes? The offenses for this game can't be advertised during those slots because it veers a little too close to encouragement of euthanasia.

Also: I think Driskel might be the best quarterback in this game.