ed. Note: Little light this week due to travel. Apologies!
Paul Crewe here. I'm beaten and battered, but still proud as hell and ready to chomp on some Gator. Auburn gave it to us real good, but we can all take pride in knowing that win will likely be vacated in a couple of years anyhow, when Gus Malzahn is coaching the Raiders to Super Bowls.
This week's foe features an offense that could also be described as explosive. Just not in the good sense. The phrase "blowing up in your face" comes to mind. Still, playing in the Swamp is always a tall task. First their fearless leader...
This is PUNgent
Obligatory Clothing Attire Joke
Will Muschamp as a Turtle
Because why not?
Inside the Actor's Studio
James Lipton: I am joined today by the indomitable Urban Meyer, current head football coach of the Ohio State University Buckeyes, formerly of Bowling Green, Utah, and yes, the mighty Florida Gators. Meyer is a two-time National Championship winning head coach, the close personal mentor of living legend Tim Tebow and arch-nemesis to, well, everyone. Coach, how are you doing today?
Urbs: Mr. Lipton, can I call you James?
Urbs: James, it's my honor to be here before your students. I'm sure there are many things they can learn from me.
Lipton: Coach, like many of your contemporaries, you were born in Ohio. Nick Saban, Les Miles, the Harbaugh brothers, the Stoops brothers, the impressive list goes on and on. What, exactly, is in the water down there?
Urbs: Well, if you really look at all of us, and to be clear, I don't count Les in that grouping, we're all really intelligent guys. Maybe it's the school system, maybe it's just coming from strong families, but yeah, clearly, that state is producing the finest coaching talent in the country, world, even. I'm proud to be back and representing this great state.
Lipton: It's been long rumored that your actual dream job is Notre Dame. They are currently in the throes of an investigation for academic fraud. Seems like that would be an ideal fit for you, right?
Urbs: James Lipton, the comedian, ladies and gentlemen.
*Urbs claps sarcastically
Urbs: Notre Dame is one of the top jobs in the country. But I'm really happy where I am right now. Until I get sick again.
Lipton: Yes, let's talk about that. Perhaps your finest role to date came in 2010 when you tearfully announced your retirement from coaching due to health concerns and needing to spend more time with your family. If you could, please elaborate to my students what steps you took to get into that character? Is it difficult to entirely fake an illness and concern for your family, or is that something that just came naturally to you?
Urbs: The situation at that time was just a mental... physical... emotional type deal where I needed to really ground myself. It was tough to walk away from Florida. We had a good thing going. But it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do. There was absolutely nothing humorous or fictitious about it.
Liption: I admire your dedication to this role, Urbs. Class, take note of how to not break character. Next topic: can we discuss PIzza Hut and golf carts?
Lipton: We begin our classroom with the questionnaire of Bernard Pivot. Urbs, what's your favorite word?
Lipton: What's your least favorite word?
Lipton: Ironic, no? What turns you on?
Lipton: What turns you off?
Urbs: Lane Kiffin
Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?
Lipton: What sound or noise do you love?
Urbs: The quarterback in the huddle.
Lipton: What sound or noise do you hate?
Lipton: What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?
Lipton: Excuse me, I meant, what profession that you aren't currently practicing would you like to attempt?
Lipton: I could see that. What profession would you not like to do?
Lipton: Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Urbs: Tebow's house is that way.
Lipton: Thank you for joining us. The floor is yours.
Student 1: Yes, can you please expand on what steps you take to get into your character on a daily basis?
*Urbs stands, slams down microphone.
Urbs: Oh fuck this.
Stop Singing That Stupid Song
DECIDED SCHEMATIC ADVANTAGE
Here Comes the Boom
What's Wrong With you Florida?
Florida is a weird place. I'm not saying it's the worst place in the world, just that you can't prove that it's not. If an earthquake were to occur, Florida were to breakoff and drift into the ocean, I'm not sure anyone would notice, really. People write articles about weird crimes that only happen in Florida. I don't like Florida. I've been several times and never left thinking, "Gee, that was great." Florida considers itself part of the South, but it's also got that snooty East Coast vibe, except dressed in shitty polos, khaki shorts and boat shoes. I'm struggling to try and figure out what it is that Florida contributes to this country, but coming up empty. It's where rich people go to die, so really Florida is really just a giant, upside down, backward L-shaped morgue. But hey, it's lovely this time of year!
I need my drinky
Bad football means benders and benders mean bad decisions and bad decisions are what makes the world go round. Can the Tigers rebound from the beatdown on the Plains? Heading right into the teeth of the swamp, this ain't your momma's Gators. Coach Boom is fighting for his job. Expect the students to boo every punt. Expect the Gators to punt a lot. Much fear. Much loathing. Much ugly football awaits us.