Paul Crewe here. Ain't gonna say I told ya so, but I told ya so. We fried some Gator right down there in the Swamp last Saturday. Did you ever have any doubts? How could a team captained by Will Musketchamp ever hope to prevail? They are fighting with ancient artillery, and we pulled out the big guns. But enough about the artist formerly known as Florida, this week brings a new challenge, an upstart team from the East with something to prove. Now, we've faced some stinkers before, but Kentucky is to college football as the Chicago Cubs are to baseball, except without the cool stadium and actual history.
Oh sure, Kentucky, you won a national title in 1950. But you've somehow managed to descend to 93rd overall winning percentage. But hey, at least you're better than Mississippi State. By the way, how is it possible Vanderbilt has a better winning percentage than you?
What is a Wildcat?
Now, I'm no big believer in mascots needing to serve an intimidation factor. Don't get me wrong, it's bad ass that we are represented by one of those most bad ass cats to walk the planet earth. Basically any type of soldier reference carries it's own variety of intimidation. Bears, Lions, Hawks, Eagles, sure they are over used, but I get it, ferocious. Gators is a unique entity that would be awesome except for its association to those goons from Gainesville. I'm even down for the original: the Pelicans. Sure, not overly intimidating, but it's not oft used and representative of Louisiana, so a win in my book.
But the Wildcats? Not only is it common (9 different schools use the moniker), you are telling I should be scared of this?
That's a god damn house cat. The crazy lady next door has nine of them. Actually, come to think of it, that is a fitting representation of y'all. Kentucky football is the crazy cat lady of the SEC. Been around a long ass time and everyone else is completely disgusted of you. Not in the "OMG YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST" way we feel about Alabama, but in a pity disgust. You're gross Kentucky. There's no reason to keep all those cats.
Y'all Still a Basketball School
You can't double dribble, travel, or get an and one in football. So don't even try it, fellas.
You play any tricks, I gotta shoot you.
Dash Right 93 Berlin
That's it. That's the joke.
Not pictured: Mike. Why? Because he's the Cooper Manning of the Stoops brother. You know, the one who tried and failed. Mike doesn't have the convenient excuse of an injury, so he's just slithered his way back into the DC role at Oklahoma.
No power tools, Mark!
STOOPS AND HOES
We Got a Deer Problem
They estimate a deer population of roughly 900,000 in the state of Kentucky this year. That's a metric fuck-ton of deer. The highest such number of any State in the union. They need to check those deer's passports. We don't want them taking our jobs, dammit. I bet they don't even pay taxes. Deer are assholes. Just ask Louis C.K.
At any rate, thankfully we're playing this game in Baton Rouge. Check out what's happening in Commonwealth Stadium these days.
A Horse of a Different Color
AND AROUND THE FINAL TURN FOURNETTE IS PULLING AWAY, AHEAD BY TWO LENGTHS.
Come and Listen to a Story...
Come and listen to a story about a man named Stoops
A poor DC, tryn to rally his troops,
Then one day he was coachin' up some D
And then came the call, someone was ready to see
Kentucky that is, big blue, Lexington
Well the first thing you know ol Stoops' is doin' well,
Kinfolk said "Stoops move away from hell"
Said "Michigany is the place you ought to land"
So they loaded up the truck and moved to Ann.
Arbor, that is. Fullbacks, power plays.
Well now its time to say good bye to Stoops and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin in.
You're all invited back a gain to this locality
To have a heapin helpin of their hospitality
Hillybilly that is. Set a spell, Take your shoes off.
Y'all come back now, y'hear?.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
No Church In the Wild
Popeye's >>>>>>>> KFC
It's okay, Kentucky, you tried. It was a valiant effort, but you again produced an inferior product. Our fast food chicken joints serve red beans and rice. And cajun rice. And jambalaya. It's not even good jamabalya and it's better than anything on your menu.
And have you had the biscuits? That sweet, buttery goodness? Not those dry, crumbly things y'all try to pass off as a biscuit. Popeye's got the real deal. I won't even bother to detail how our shared menu items aren't even in the same realm of deliciousness. Take a bow to General Miles, Colonel Sanders.
Remember the cowsuit guy? You know, this guy:
Look at him in all his glory. You thought this was a one time thing, didn't you? Nope. He's there. He's always there. You just weren't paying attention.
GET HIM OUTTA THE GAME
Hey look, our QBs are terrible again. C'mon, you should be used to this by now. It's pretty much what we do. Les Miles looks at the football paradigm, decides it's overtly QB-friendly and then seeks to destroy it. What's the fun in being a follower? While innovation gets slapped onto coaches like Kelly and Sumlin, Briles and Meyer, the games biggest innovator is sitting there in Baton Rouge, his hat up an inch higher than it should be, his cadence just a beat to the left or right of what you'd expect, his phrasing always an adventure yet unseen.
So, my advice? Saturday, when Jennings sees a wide open slant and proceeds to throw it directly into the receiver's cleats... when Harris airmails a pass into the opposing team's bench, somehow overthrowing Malachi Dupre's outrageous jump, just remember one thing:
If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It
Kentucky, make no mistake, though you think you enter this game the underdog, the hunter, you are, 100% the hunted. We got something to prove. There is a want for quality in this team. We're gonna make you bleed your own blood, dammit.
It's cute that you beat a bad South Carolina. Even cuter that you narrowly failed to accomplish what we just did last week. Your time for fun is over. Enjoy going back to being regular ole, terrible Kentucky.