Paul Crewe here. It's time for your weekly installment of BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. That's right, the most comprehensive, all-encompassing game preview round this side of the block. You want in-depth insight to what's gonna happen Saturday? You came to the right place, mister. You want expert knowledge on the schemes and rosters for LSU and Ole Miss? You betcha you found it, sir. Just like I said we'd smoke some Kentucky Cats last week, this week, we get our age old foe, the
mighty Ole Miss Rebels. And boy do I have something to say about that.
This is a rivalry steeped in rich history. These teams have squared off an impressive 102 times. Sure, LSU would have to lose every year until your new born became a college freshman for this series to be even, but this one is important. It matters! It's a big time game. At least that's what a certain groups fans from the East of the Mississippi will tell ya. Realistically, this has just been 102 years of Ole Miss fans trying to convince LSU fans they are relevant. 102 years of Ole Miss ass whippings.
Really, though, Ole Miss is just the inverse of Florida. Florida spent most of their nascent years in football oblivion, hardly a blip on anyone's radar for about five decades. Around the 60s they started inconsistently stumbling into bowl games. It wasn't until the 90s that some loon figured out there might be something worth building there and suddenly they turned into a powerhouse.
Ole Miss, on the other hand, well, they started pretty strong, peaked in the 1960's then disappeared in irrelevancy, until, well, forever. Kinda like ? and the MYSTERIANS. Yeah, 96 Tears was a thing, but it doesn't mean we have to like it. Actually, I do like the idea of 96 Tears being the official song of Ole Miss football. It fits your history quite well. Claim all those pre-modern era football titles you'd like. We get it, the early 60s sure were a great time in Mississippi... for some people. Even people who hate our "what have you done for me lately society" reflect on your history and say "What have you done for me ever?" Entire generations of people have been born, lived fulfilled lives and died without consciously seeing Ole Miss football ascend to relevancy. You don't matter. And the number three written in pencil next to your name doesn't mean you matter any more this year.
It's okay, it's all about to end anyway.
Ladies and Gentleman............................my NAME is..... LESSSSSSSS.... MIIIIIILLLLLEESSSSSS.
I am the advocate behind the man that will beat the man with the undefeated streak in 2014. My client............. the BEAST INCARNATE............. LLLLSSSSUUUUUUUU FOOT! BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, will walk into Tiger Stadium, and walk out of Tiger Stadium, stepping over the bodies, yes, the bodies, that were laid waste to this Saturday.
I say this.... I say this... not as sheer projection, but as a soothsayer right here in front of you thousands of paeans. Tomorrow night..........Saturday night.................right there before 102,000 people, my client.......the BEAST INCARNATE will take the field, as an..... UNDER......... DOG............ to the Rebels of Ole Miss.
Say it with me:
Now let's get one thing straight. LSU is NOT here to put smiles on people's faces. LSU is here to SHOCK the college football universe, to put tears in the eyes of every teased out, gray-haired tail-gaitin' grandma that ever thought her Rebels would mean anything.
Yes, we see you Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, Lee Corso and company. There on your fancy studio, throwing on your mascot heads, pretending as if the world doesn't notice what heartless blowhards you really are. But it's okay, it's okay, really. Because MY CLIENT............ THE BEAST INCARNATE............ will end all your dreams and fantasies. Take those playoff projections and tear them up into tiny little pieces.
Because that is EGGG-ZACCC-LEEE what my CLIENT is going to do the Ole Miss Rebels.
Ole Miss & The Movies
HOTTY TODDY GOSH ALMIGHTY THAT CHEER MEANS NOTHING
A 1926 copy of the Mississippian, the Ole Miss student newspaper, states the phrase "Hotty Toddy" was originally, "Heighty Teighty", not that it should surprise any of us that Ole Miss students cannot read, write or spell. But I get it, it's become a colloquial greeting amongst y'all. Hotty Toddy replaced hello in official Rebel greetings. The fact that the rest of the living world perceives you to be brainless dummies for saying as much isn't lost on you all. I get it, y'all think it's cute. But I can respect not bending to societal pressures. But Hotty Toddy? Really? Could you have at least put together a pair of actual words?
The answer to the question "Are you ready?" is either yes or no. Not Hotty. Not Toddy. Certainly not those two together. And if you must know, yes, we are ready. We are ready to stomp on your throats and bludgeon your vocal chords to the point where you simply cannot utter this nonsense again.
It's okay Ole Miss, all you have to do is BOLIEVE
Sometimes, the climb to the mountain top is full of challenges. You may stumble, even slide down. It may have been happening now for 50 years. It's okay. Someday, Ole Miss, you may rise to the top again. All you have to do is.... BO-LIEEEEVVVVEEEEEE.
Let's talk about this monstrosity shall we. You've never lost a party eh? Well, I hate to inform you that parties are not events in which winners and losers are decided. But I'll go with you for a second and pretend they are. At what point did you decide you won 'em all? Presumably when you realized your football team certainly wasn't gonna do the winning for you. So let's address this whole "winner" thing.
Champions of what? Do enjoy lying to your fanbase so proudly? You have a god damn gate announcing something we all know to not be true. Champions don't walk here. Not in the slightest. Who was the last champion to walk here? Oh god, this gate went up in 1983? Literally not one champion has walked this path. Not one National Champion. Not one Conference champion. Not even one divisional champion. You have a giant field dedicated to failure.
And your parties, oh your god damn parties. They did one of these in Boston in 1773. At least that one served an actual purpose, unlike yours, you champagne guzzling, seersuck wearing nincompoops. Let me fix that for you.
Eli Manning Can't Help Himself
Remember that one time Eli tripped over himself and lost Ole Miss the game in the only meaningful game in their school's recent history? Oh yeah! That was against us. Well, turns out, this is a pretty regular occurrence.
One Small Step for Mankind, One Big Trip for Eli Manning
SOMEONE PROTECT THE PRINCESS
OH GOD HOW FAR DID YOU FALL ELI?
I AM THE ONE
Ladies and Gentleman.... my name is LES MILESSS, and I am the advocate for the BEAST INCARNATE.... LSU FOOTBALL. I want to invite you all to take a look up at that screen. Do you see that screen? Say it with me now...
SEVEN AND ONE SEVEN AND ONE SEVEN AND ONE
SEVEN AND ONE. Yes, I am the ONE, behind the ONE, in SEVEN AND ONE. MY CLIENT.... LSU FOOTBALL, simply did exactly what I told you they would do. What you witnessed last night, Saturday night, was not a mirage. Here we sat, listening to the chirps all week long about Ole Miss this, Ole Miss that. "Ole Miss is just too good for LSU." "Ole Miss is just too strong." "That Ole Miss defense." "Dr. Bo will slice LSU right up."
That's what they called my client. In his own dog house. Let that seep in. Nice and deep. Let this be a lesson to you. When you spit in the face of the biggest dog in the yard, he doesn't take it lying down. My client is under to no one. When you spit in the face of the biggest dog in the yard, he takes his recompense ten fold. My client will bite your head off so that you may spit no more.
Who took down the undefeated Rebels of Mississippi? Not Tennessee, no not the Volunteers. Not A&M, no, not even big, bad Texas could do it. Not Boise State, not uh uh, not the former BCS Fiesta Bowl Champions, known for toppling superior foes. Not even the mighty Crimson Tide, the men from Alabama, the three times National Champions under Nick Saban, no no no no, not even they could take you down. It was MY CLIENT who did the dirty work. I told you. I told each and every one of you this would happen. Because I am the ONE, behind the ONE, in SEVEN AND ONE.
Congrats on Winning the Best Costume Contest
We get it. We really do. It feels good to feel like you matter. What we get that you don't is that we can see right through it. You all are eyeing a playoff bid, and we're all eyeing your downfall. We can see right through the shiny fuckin' costume, Ole Miss. Contenders, you are not. Pretenders, you forever will be. We think it's good that you are feeling good about yourselves. Admittedly, you did a great job with the costume this. Spending a lot of time on Pinterest lately? Mrs. Freeze help you with the design? I bet Houston Nutt had some input didn't? Come on, you can tell us, promise we won't tell everyone.
YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES? ALRIGHT, I'LL PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAMES
"You have to think about one shot. One shot is what it's all about. A bear's gotta be taken with one shot."
Congratulations, Ole Miss. You're number 3 in the country. The highest you've been this late in the season in a long, long, long ass time. How's the view from up there? Bottle up some air, because you won't be around much longer. Saturday is D-Day for you. Prepare all you'd like. Get your troops in a row. Preach 'em up, Reverend Hugh! We know how much this means to you. But Saturday, we're gonna show you how much this means to us. No, not because of the opponent. Because this day is about playing like we play. This day is about doing what we do. This day is about being LSU.
Ole Miss: 7