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Race to the Bottom: Week 9

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A very delayed installment shows nothing but sadness and hope all around.

Ronald Martinez

After a hiatus, Race to the Bottom is back! Remember, these are not authoritative, and are meant to only be fun. Enjoy the bye week!

128.) SMU

Last Week's Result: Lost 48-10 to Memphis at home

There is nothing I can say about this team that hasn't already been said. They are almost certainly headed for an unwinfeated 0-12 season after June Jones' early resignation. It is not because of glaring mistakes or abhorrent play or anything of the like. SMU simply is not a good football team. Embrace the darkness, Mustangs. It's almost over.

127.) UConn

Last Week's Result: Lost 31-21 at East Carolina

If you can believe it, UConn actually had the Pirates by the throat heading into the fourth quarter. In Bob Diaco's world, "by the throat" means "tied," which is far better than where anyone expected the Huskies to be against ECU on a Thursday night. The culprit for UConn? A not-so-great defense that allowed 580 yards to Ruffin McNeill's basketball on grass offense. ECU ran 100 plays to UConn's 58. In all honesty, UConn probably wins this game if they're playing anyone but ECU, as it's likely the exact style Bob Diaco wants to play. It's a glimmer of hope on UConn's awfulness. For that, they get a gold star. But otherwise, they slot here for cumulative bad-ness.

126.) Kent State

Last Week's Result: Lost 10-3 at Miami (OH)

This is the Keith Richards of drive charts: harsh on the eyes, probably under the influence of drugs, and yet somehow it still exists. Had I not shown you the score, you would have likely guessed that Kent State lost this game. What a final score doesn't tell you...

125.) Miami

Last Week's Result: Def. Kent State 10-3 at home

...is that their opponent only outgained them by 2 yards, committed 62 yards worth of penalties, yet still managed to get an early touchdown to seemingly put the game away. But a win's a win! Even if it's completely anti-#MACtion and no one should watch it, ever. This game is an ICP song.

124.) Pitt

Last Week's Result: Lost 56-28 to Georgia Tech at home

Spilly recapped this game earlier this week. There's not much to tell honestly. Pitt fumbled five times in the first five minutes en route to a 28-0 first quarter deficit. Eve 6 may or may not have gotten playing time in this game for Georgia Tech, probably because no one sang along to "Here's to the Night" during the pregame concert. They likely secured two of Pitt's six turnovers, because after a certain point nothing that happens in games like this makes sense. Fittingly, another Eve 6 song describes how everyone felt after the first 5:16 this game.

123.) Texas

Last Week's Result: Lost 23-0 at Kansas State

Charlie Strong's first year has been a tumultuous one. Numerous dismissals, a blowout loss to a then-fully functional BYU, and finally Texas' first shutout since 2004 have made Strong's first season one to forget in Austin. The wizard we mere mortals call "Bill Snyder" temporarily halted Texas' offensive resurgence with Tyrone Swoopes under center. K-State held Texas to under 200 yards. A quick glance at the Longhorns' schedule shows that bowl eligibility might be all but impossible for them, despite the fact that they've got several close losses against decent-to-very good teams like UCLA and Oklahoma. Those games suggest progress, but they've got a long way to go. Here you go, Texas!

122.) Michigan

Last Week's Result: Lost 35-11 at Michigan State

121.) Virginia Tech

Last Week's Result: Lost 30-6 to Miami (FL) at home

Frank, where is the offense?

Thanks Frank.

120.) Minnesota

Last Week's Result: Lost at Illinois 28-24 at home

I'm a big fan of Jerry Kill. Minnesota, who had taken quite a fall under Tim Brewster, had no conference losses and was doing fairly well until they ran into the buzz saw that is Tim Beckman. Minnesota outgained the Illini by a shade under 150 yards, ran the ball effectively, but had three turnovers that proved to be killers. The Gophers aren't bad by any means, but they fell into a bad trap this week against an Illinois team that was previously winless in the Big Ten. The scary thing is the Illini could still reach bowl eligibility. Happy Halloween I guess?

119.) Texas Tech

Last Week's Result: Lost 82-27 at TCU

No more explosions in Fort Worth.