Nick Saban chides the CFB Selection Committee, media and fans on the rigors of the SEC West and how Alabama clearly merits a no. 1 seeding based on past accomplishments as well as future challenges.
Stone Cold Les Miles struts to the ring with his usual over-bearing swagger. His eyes are glassy, focused. A man who swilled 8 beers and dumped a bottle of water on his head before opting to confront his most hated enemy. He's mouthing swear words at no one in particular because the mood is right, dammit.
Stone Cold enters the ring, furiously walking past his hated opponent, climbing to the second rope of each corner, throwing his arms in the air, each time to increasingly rousing applause.
Stone Cold steps right to the face of Nick Saban staring him eye to eye, their heads an inch apart.
Stone Cold secures a microphone.
Saban: "Well let's just get right down to business, shall we? The whole world wants to know why you think you can stick your nose in our business. We're right here on the precipice of the first annual college football playoff. Something EVERYONE wants to see Alabama included in."
Saban: "Just, why, exactly, do you think you can ruin this for everyone?"
Stone Cold Miles: "If you haven't figured this out just yet, Stone Cold Les Miles does what he wants, when he wants and he doesn't a give god damn what cha think about it."
Saban: "But what you don't understand is that this is best for everyone. Alabama at the top of the football world is what you people want, whether you realize it or not!"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "Alabama?"
Stone Cold Lea Miles: "At the top of the world?"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "No. 1 in the country?"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "No. 1 playoff seed?"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "First college football playoff champion?"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "Uhn Uhn!"
Nick Saban: "This is the process, dammit! I worked damn hard for this and you're trying to ruin it, dammit! You're gonna ruin it!"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "You sit here and you thump you football bible. You talk about your formations, hurry-up offense and your Process 3:16...
"Well, Miles 3:16 says I just whipped your ass."
Stone Cold Les Miles: "If you wanna see Stone Cold open up a can of whoop ass on Alabama, give me a HELL YEAH!"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "If you wanna see Stone Cold walk into Baton Rouge and stomp a mud hole in the Crimson Tide's ass give me a hell yeah!"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "If you like watchin' a beer-swillin', ass-kickin' sum bitch, swill some beer and kick some ass, give me a hell yeah!"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "Now Nick, I appreciate the fact that you think you know what's best for the college football world....
But I also appreciate the fact that you can kiss my ass!"
/Stone Cold Les Miles flashes Nick Saban the double birds.
/Stone Cold Les Miles boots Saban in the gut, delivers Stone Cold stunner.
/Stone Cold Les Miles hits the deck, face-to-face with Nick Saban swaggering his head and spewing curse words.
/Stone Cold Les Miles grabs microphone.
Stone Cold Les Miles: "Saturday Night."
Stone Cold Les Miles: "LSU"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "Alabama"
Stone Cold Les Miles: "Tiger Stadium."
Stone Cold Les Miles: "I'm gonna whip your ass six ways from Tuscaloosa and THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE BECAUSE STONNNNEEEE COOLLLLLDDDDD SAID SO!"