LSU vs. Texas A&M: BIG. GAME. PREVIEW.

Paul Crewe here. Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows. After a brief hiatus versus the Hogs, BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. is back and we ain't got no badges, we don't need no badges and I don't got to show you no stinkin' badges. This week we roll into Aggietown, College Station, as they call it.  The Aggies are a strange, strange bunch. They chant weird things like Woop! and Gig' Em. Apparently "Howdy" is the official greeting of Texas A&M. That's not cute, it's annoying.

SWAGFACTOR

It's been a topsy turvy season at A&M. It started oh so high with a surprising beat down of what was thought to be a strong South Carolina team, followed by a slow bleeding to death against both Mississippi Schools, only to meet an inevitable crushing at the hands of Alabama. Things started to look up vs. Auburn, but came crashing right back down against Missouri. I captured all the data and developed a unique algorithm that captures the SWAGFACTOR of A&M as the season wore on. Here are the results:

Welcome to Aggie World!

Aggie World is the finest theme park West of the Mississippi. It features a bevy of rides and attractions sure to please attendees of all walks of life. Here's the best Aggie World has to offer.

Swagcopter brought to you by ADIDAS

The famed Swagcopter will take you on the ride of a lifetime. Venturing up and away and down into small Texas towns that didn't know helicopter's still existed. See the unique landscape of Texas from a once-in-a-lifetime viewpoint. Oh sure, you've ridden a helicopter before. But you've never ridden a SWAGcopter. Look at it in all it's beauty. Half the joy of the ride is the abuse your eyes take while waiting in line for it! This ride is especially designed for HS football recruits from the ages of 16 and up!

Texas A&M Defense Funhouse

This is the ride that never stops! Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like to be a hot knife slicing through butter? Have you ever wanted to sprint, unimpeded, covering hundreds of yards in mere seconds? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to run through holograms shaped exactly like Texas A&M football players? Unlike other Funhouses, we promise this one is not at all intended to scare. In fact, it's the most welcoming, easy to navigate Funhouse you'll ever encounter! And if you get scared, just remember, everything you see is an illusion!

The Kevin Sumlin Experience

Wanna experience all the highs and lows of an Aggie Football season? This is the ride for you! Ups and Downs and upside downs, what more could you ask for. Just when you think you couldn't get any higher, you shoot right back down to the ground at alarming rates. This is the most exciting, most unpredictable, most topsy-turvy ride in the park. Experience the highs of crushing South Carolina and the deep despair of throwing up zero vs. Alabama, all in one short ride!

This is Pulp, But It Ain't Fiction

Kenny Trill

The Aggies started the season red hot on offense, lead by Kenny Hill, the somewhat unexpected winner of the summer QB competition. Hill torched South Carolina, posting 511 yards passing and 3 TDs. Those 511 yards broke Johnny Manziel's single-game Texas A&M passing record. Much excitement abounded in College Station. And nicknames, oh yes, nicknames. Kenny Football just didn't feel right. No, that belongs to Johnny. So they coined him "Kenny Trill." Several weeks later, Kenny Trill found the sideline and a suspension. So I took it upon myself to identify some more fitting nicknames.

Kenny Frill

Kenny Quill

Kenny Pill

Kenny Grill

Kenny Grill 2.0

Kenny Pril

Kenny Chill

Kenny Dill

Kenny Spill

Reservoir Tigers

"Are you gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite?"

Aggie Traditions

The Aggies have a lot of strange traditions they follow. Let's talk about them.

Yell Leaders

These are a bunch of male cheerleaders that lead the the crowd in "yells." They wear white, prison-looking jumpsuits and serve as Masters of Ceremonies for the infamous "Midnight Yell Practice." And I quote, from Wikipedia:

During a game, the Yell Leaders signal the crowd to start a yell by flashing pass backs. Once the signal is passed throughout the crowd, the Yell Leaders give the signal for the crowd to "hump it," or lean forward with hands just above their knees, and the yell begins. The theory behind "humpin' it" is that it aligns the back, neck and throat in the proper position to maximize the noise. They also use pass backs to signal when to sing the various school songs, in much the same way as cheerleaders lead songs at other schools.

Yes, that is a thing that they do. "Humpin' It."

Here's a photo of an Aggie Yell Leader in action:

"HOWDY!"

"Gig 'Em"

Have you noticed that every major Texas school (well, except TCU) sports an "'em" slogan?

Hook 'Em
Sic 'Em
Wreck 'Em
Gig 'Em

The first three make pretty perfect sense in relation to their school's mascots. Leave it to the Aggies to stick with something age-old and non-sensical. This started back in 1930 when a dude named Pinky, at a Midnight Yell Practice, bellowed out, "What are we gonna do to those Horned Frogs?!"

"Gig 'em, Aggies!"

If you didn't know, and really, why would you know, gigging is basically spear fishing/hunting, in this case, specifically, frog hunting. To further emphasize the chant, he gave the crowd a big ole thumbs up, because nothing says spear fishin' like a big ole thumbs up.

That is not photoshopped. I swear to God that is just what they do. They are proud of this. Much intimidate. Very fright.

The Corps of Cadets

The Corps of Cadets is basically ROTC, but as we've come to realize, Aggies refuse to accept any common culture practices in lieu of allowing their very nature to scream "pompous asshole." The Aggies have a long tradition of looking at something entirely normal, drinking a handful of Lonestar's and re-imagining it in the image of god knows what. The Corps is just another long-standing example of that. In fact, the longest standing example of that, as it has existed since 1876. I have nothing funny to say about them, so here's a bad photoshop.

The Aggie Ring

Virtually every college everywhere bestows upon their graduates class rings. Some proudly wear these long after graduation, an acknowledgement of pride of their institution and of their own accomplishments. Aggies, well, they take it a step further. The named theirs the "Aggie Ring" and it's become an easy way to identify fellow graduates in unfamiliar settings. The standards for receiving the ring are... pretty spectacular. Get a 2.00 GPA and "be in good standing." So basically, don't kill anyone and don't fail out and we'll give you the distinct honor of paying a boatload of money for a big ass ring that we all think is cool but everyone else thinks you are a dipshit for wearing.

An alumunus will be known to wear the ring throughout his/her life, specifically in professional settings, as it can be a handy tool for career advancement. I've heard personal tales of Aggies being moved to the head of job interview packs simply by being Aggies alone. Wearing the ring to the job interview gets you a few extra points, unless your hiring manager graduated from Texas, that is.

To that tradition, I say this:

You want a ring? I'll give you a ring.

#LetLukePlay

If you don't know Luke Boyd's story, acquaint yourself. This is no joke, no making fun, nothing but an entirely serious plea that Coach Miles let Luke Boyd play tomorrow in LSU's final regular season game. It's not as sweet had it been at home, but sweet it is nonetheless.

LOST - A Reenactment

Somewhere, anywhere, in an abandoned HS Football stadium, Coach Sumlin and Johnny Football stand, inches apart, staring deep into one another's eyes. A crop duster flies over, the low hum of its propeller igniting the wildlife into a chorus of chirps and barks and hoos and screes, whatever their genus may dictate.

Sumlin: Every Friday, I ... I fly, from College Station to Tuscaloosa, or Gainesville, Baton Rouge. And then I, I get off, and I, have a drink, and then I fly home.

Football: Why, coach?

Sumlin: Because I wanted to crash, Johnny. I don't care about anybody else on board. Every little bump we hit or turbulence, I mean I, I actually close my eyes and I pray that I can get back.

[Football's eyes begin to well with tears. Sumlin too.]

Football: Nothing's gonna change, coach.

Sumlin: No, I'm sick of lying. We made a mistake! You made a mistake!

Football: I have to go. New coach is gonna be wondering where I am...

Sumlin: We were not supposed to leave. YOU were not supposed to leave.

Football: Yes, I was.

[Football pauses, begins to walk away. Turns back around.]

Football: Goodbye, Coach.

Sumlin: You have to come back, Johnny!

[Football walks into the darkness.]

Sumlin: YOU HAVE TO COME BACK!

/scene

Crootin'

The Godfather

"Now you come to me and you say 'Les Miles give me justice', but you don't even ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather."

Pardon us, while we take care of a little family business, Texas A&M. Tomorrow, while you stuff your turkeys and hug your kids and do all those things that families do, we're gonna do what this family does best: kill. Yeah, we're sour. And yeah, we've done it to you twice before, so this isn't really vengeance so much as habit. And we like habit. We plan to continue to make it a habit to roll right on over you. We appreciate that you ventured on over to the party, the SEC Family welcomes you with open arms. You are the cute, harmless brother we never really wanted, but that's okay.

So, Happy Thanksgiving. This is the gift you wanted. LSU at night on Thanksgiving Day. Hug your kids extra tight. Give your wife a big sweet kiss. Because the rest of your day ain't gonna be so pretty. So let me make you an offer you can't refuse. You can fly your little Swagcopter on into the stadium, go through warmups, slap some high fives, and then lay down. Just lay there. At least then, you'll have an actual excuse for why you got steamrolled.

LSU: 28
A&M: 0