Playin' ... "Nice" : Roll Bama Roll

Who do you think is taller in real life -- Little Debbie or Nick Saban?

I am reminded of one of the greatest sites of the early internet, the World Wide Web Fights, also known as the Grudge Match. A rabid community of commenters and wannabe pundits would debate questions like "Who would win a fight between the Death Star and John McClane?" Or "A Doberman vs. a Doberman's weight in Chihuahuas?"

There are so many ways to evaluate your question, but for the time being, we don't know Little Debbie's true height. All we have is a picture of her face, which may or may not be an artist's rendering from her Mandeville PD mug shot. I mean, really, in this day and age, reading from a hardbound book in a public place should not be considered "suspicious" and grounds for a cavity search. I don't care how much meth they found on her.

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Admit it, if the Tiger Stadium PA plays A Tribe Called Quest's "Can I Kick It" right before a Bama field goal, you'll laugh right?

Up until last year, I might have been pissed. Now the song that gives us the shakes is "Return to Sender."

I don't want to know how Jay Barker came up with his disguise for this particular performance as "Alabama Quarterback Season [X]," do I?

Given that it would involve a blackface reference, I think we ought to leave that one on the table. Blake Sims is truly having a great year, and has made fantastic strides in breaking down barriers. He has shown that a young black man can aspire to throw for 300 yards in a half, and still be considered a "game manager."

However, I would like to congratulate you on your use of the letter "X" as a variable, a level of sophistication above its usual function as "The way LSU recruits get their moms to sign their LOI."

Does Lane Kiffin stop film sessions randomly to do those little "lets see how many jokes we can make in 30 seconds" like he does on his Comedy Central show?

No, that is a total lie. He does, however, get naked for the camera quite often, finding excuses to scream random things about Knoxville and Butthorns.

So on the whole "two sides of the same coin" thing with Auburn, which one of you is heads and which one is tails?

The heads clearly reside in Tuscaloosa, where a thriving arts community is generating thoughtful paradigms for a new South. The tails are on the Plains, as "tails" are generally presented during closeups in popular animal husbandry videos.

I'd like you to some, but they are Not Safe For Life.

(If Auburn ever does allow anyone to inspect the damn coin they've been flipping, I'll bet it came from that damned Rosencrantz and Guildenstern scene. And I will double down that those bastards will have to Google the reference...)