Paul Crewe here. Well folks, we've got a great game for you against a quality opponent. I have the utmost respect for the University of Alabama and their quality football team. There is no finer in the country than Nick Saban and he presents such a formidable counter to Les Miles. I look forward to a high quality, hard hitting football game on Saturday night in Tiger Stadium.
Let's talk a little bit about what a quality team Alabama has been, not just this season but for the past six years or so. What a remarkable run, right? Up there amongst the greatest in college football history. I just can't say enough.........
Scott Hall: HEY YO! You know who we are…but you don’t know why we’re here…
Kevin Nash: I thought this was supposed to be the BIG GAME Preview…looks pretty weak to me. Looks like Scott and I need to get this thing crackin’ a bit.
Hall: Yo -- you got some gang of hillbillies comin’ into your house, you bring some weak-ass stuff like this? Tell ‘em big man.
Nash: Look, maybe this genteel stuff plays for some of you people, but guys like us…we don’t play. If Alabama wants to bring their redneck butts into the coliseum, we’re more than happy to play the part of the lions.
Hall: The Outsiders, man, y’all ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Alabama…we’re gonna beat you up, we’re gonna grind up that stump you call a coach, and we’re gonna laugh while we do it. Guys like us, we ain’t from ALL-UH-BAM-AH…We’re from the big leagues. Me, big Kev and the man in the Big White Hat -- we’re the guys that all these people are payin’ all this money to see. Nash: You sure about that Scott?
Hall: Well let’s take a little survey. How many of you people came to see…All-ah-bam-ah hyuck hyuck… … and how many came to see…the mWo? Score another one for the good guys.
Nash: And whether I’m back in black, or sporting the purple and gold, I’m just toooo sweeeeeeeeeetttttt!
(Written by Billy Gomila)
Here's The Thing
I do not like Alabama. I do not like their football team, the fact that their mascot is an elephant despite calling themselves the Crimson Tide. I do not like their claim to 21 or whatever many National Titles. I especially hate this insistence that they are the very center of the college football world. I've never seen a more accomplished entity be so insecure about their standing in the world.
Here's the thing, folks in Louisiana see no need to mince words. If we don't like you, we'll let you know about it. Don't like your political party, your choice of booze, your clothes, your attitude, we'll tell ya. Put tomato sauce in your jambalaya, we'll certainly point out how much we dislike that. But Alabama, not so much. They'll put on a faux smile and feed you a heaping load of bullshit, then pretend you like it.
"Oh we have so much respect for LSU..."
No, you don't.
"Really though, Les Miles is a great football coach...."
We know you don't think so.
"Forget Tennessee, LSU is our true modern rival..."
Yeah, you don't believe that.
So just stop. We can see right through it. Just own your despicable, pathetic nature. You guys are probably the most successful college football program in history. Quit trying to take ownership of more history than belongs to you. Quit overcompensating for your tiny, dogmatic head coach. Quit pretending like an innocent puppy dog that we are all foolish not to love. You suck. You are all assholes. No one likes you.
Rammer Jammer Sickle & Hammer
The threat is real.
MR. SABANCHEV... TEAR DOWN THIS WALL.
Alabama Fans are the Worst, Story the First
I had the unfortunate opportunity of being in New Orleans during the Game with Which We Do Not Speak. I was wise enough to not drop a few grand on a couple of tickets, but I took in the city with my wife and a buddy. We wound up settling at the Walk-Ons tent party where they were serving jamabalaya, beer and all that.
The crowd was pretty split. Good number of Bama and LSU fans each that also opted not to spend such high dollars on the game. They set up large screens and piped in audio. Craig Steltz showed up. Got a pic with him. Other LSU players were milling around, snapping photos, etc.
To our right, a group of older Bama fans, men and women were congregated near us. Behind us, a group of young LSU fans, that looked about college age. Pre-game, one of the older Bama gentlemen (I use that term loosely), approached one of the LSU fans, shook his hand and smugly said, "If you guys win tonight, you are the greatest single team of all-time." It was clear from his tone this wasn't a compliment so much as that bass ackwards Bama "compliment" way (see "Here's the Thing" above) of saying, "You aren't beating us and this is my jack ass way of communicating that to you." The LSU fan smiled and thanked him. Wished him good luck.
Then the game happened. It started poorly. Increasingly the Bama fans shit talk went up and up. These men, in their 50s and 60s, began taunting the young guys, inches from their faces, talking the loudest and most obnoxious shit they possibly could. The ladies danced around and swung red and white pom poms and did their best Terry Saban impersonations.
The LSU fans shouted back as best they could, but they never instigated, never escalated, only responded. It's not that I didn't know that Bama fans sucked. It's that watching it, in that environment, made it all the more real.
As a reminder: You suck. You are all assholes. No one likes you.
A Poll For the Readers
Much Lane, So Kiffin
Pat Haden broke his heart into a million piece. Can Nick Saban put them back together again?
Lots of laughs indeed!
Nick Saban says he believes in the "Process." Did you know that means processing your children out of the football program if they fail to reach All-American status?
Nick Saban once said "I will not be the next Alabama head coach." He took the job days later.
Nick Saban is no taller than your average fifth grader. How can you trust him?
Nick Saban hired Lane Kiffin to run his offense.
Nick Saban thinks the hurry-up offense is unfair, until he gets to use it.
Nick Saban had a statue of himself erected on Alabama's campus.
Alabama Fans are the Worst, Story the Second
A couple months ago, I dipped over to the bar around the corner, Gamekeepers, the former LSU alumni bar here in Chicago. As is pre-game tradition, I met my buddy there for drinks and to catch the afternoon games before heading to our new stomping grounds to watch the game.
On this day, the bar was pretty empty. Maybe three or four patrons beyond myself. The front room of the bar is fitted with probably 15 TVs, which they do a great job of keeping tuned to the various meaningful games. On this particular day, Bama was playing West Virginia, and the bartender was having issues with the Northwestern/Cal game taking local precedence and playing on ESPN2 over the Bama game. We asked him to find a way to show it.
While serving drinks, he sought to solve the issue, something not easily resolved in five minutes. During that span, a seemingly drunk, obviously stupid Bama fan stumbles in. He peers around at the TVs.
"This bar doesn't have it on either? Best FUCKING team in the world and no bar in Chicago can play it?!?"
Walks over to the bar. Aggressively demands bartender find the Bama game.
"Yeah, I'm working on it buddy," he replies.
Guy walks back over to a table.
"This is fucking ridiculous. Best fucking team in the world and not on a TV. We're the best fucking team in the world god dammit."
Cool bro, no one is challenging you on that. Who you arguing with?
Dude storms out. Five to ten minutes pass. He ambles back in, this time with his bro, in a Gator hat, and a girl. By now the bartender has fixed the TV issue.
"Best fucking team in the world. Fucking shit."
He continues mindlessly swearing. His friends hate him. Everyone in the bar hates him. My buddy and I hate him.
You know why?
You suck. You are all assholes. No one likes you.
Size DOES Matter
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOM-PA-DEE-DO
If you are wise, you'll listen to me
Go Ahead, Make My Day
Sweet Home, Alabama
Sadly, these are all real.
YOU NEED A HERO? I GOT YOUR HERO!
Call It, Friend-o
Look me in the blood-red eyes, Alabama. This one is serious. You've won three in a row. Congrats. We aren't here to play spoilers. No, we won't give you that dignity. This isn't about ruining your season. This is about making ours. So while everyone else wants to go about writing how we're just a road bump on the way to your playoff appearance, we're actually a spike strip that'll entirely derail your ride.
But that's not what we're playing for. This one is about pride. Our players know. You know it. Your players know it. So get ready. Tiger Stadium will be louder than you've ever heard. That includes any game in your tenure, Nick. We'll be bourboned up, screaming bloody murder from morning till night. This one means something. This one is important.
There are no clean getaways. Now is the time for your comeuppance.