Paul Crewe here. We're gettin' mightttttyyyyy close to gameday, folks. So it's time we put together the most comprehensive, authoritative game preview round yonder. I'm talkin' Xs and Os, punts and forward passes, and all that hard hittin' analysis you've come to know and love right here at And the Valley Shook. We take pride at looking at the game from every angle, so buckle up your seat belts because we're going for a ridddddeeeeeeee!
Hint: It's the red one.
Laura Ingalls Wilder
This gal here wrote Little House on the Prairie, which is a spoiler of a title if I've ever read one. Wilder really didn't believe in the whole, "don't judge a book by its cover" deal, because she spelled the whole thing out in the title. Anywho, the book is pretty historically accurate as it's basically about a bunch of people picking up and moving around Wisconsin, getting malaria, fighting with Indians and all that.
Though he may not share blood with Laura, he seemed to fashion the same ideas about literature, going ahead and spelling his book right out on the cover. What's Our Town about, you ask? Well, wouldn't you reckon it's about a town, affectionately referred to by it's residents as "ours." What happens in Our Town? People live life, they fall in love and they die horrible deaths. Lovely little tale. Much Wisconsin.
Schiltz, Pabst, Miller, Blatz
Wisconsin likes to fashion itself some sorta beer mecca of America, but what they truly specialize in is creating alcoholic piss-flavored water that comes out about as easy as it goes in. See their former state slogans for references:
Wisconsin, home of corn fields and shite tasting near beer. - 1873
Wisconsin, beer so bad, there's nothing else to do but drink it. - 1896
Wisconsin, there's nothing else to do here, so you'd figure our beer would be better. - 1964
Wisconsin, there's no legal blood-alcohol limit because we don't know how to produce anything stronger than diluted horse piss. -1999
Wisconsin, we're still trying guys, be patient with our beer. -2014
This isn't Sparta and your movies still suck. I would rather pour motor oil in my Frosted Flakes and eat them with a baby spoon than sit through another insufferable Snyder movie. Why do the movie gods keep blessing him with eternal movie scripts? The only explanation for this phenomenon is that most people in Hollywood genuinely enjoy flaming piles of dog shit. You what Zack Snyder is? Zack Snyder is every Sci-Fi b-movie you've ever seen with a six-figure millions budget and no sense of humor.
"So you see, the guy with the giant blue penis is in love with Malin Akerman and really, it's all fantastic, guys."
So Wisconsin has a ready-made porn star and can't even get that right? He's the Wisconsin beer of actors.
National Titles: 0
The Fifth Quarter
In case you were wondering where our brethren derive their namesake from, it's a reference to a time honored tradition where, after the game (apparently overtime periods are counted as fractions in this case), the band marches onto the field, turns to the winning team's stands (usually not Wisconsin), plays their fight song, then turns to the losing team's stands (usually Wisconsin) and play their fight song. Apparently this is just the beginning. Then the band goes haywire and plays such time-honored classics as the Chicken Dance (they call it "Dance Little Bird"), "Space Badgers" (also the working title of a to be released Zack Snyder film), and "Beer Barrel Polka."
All records indicate this is why most people from Wisconsin attend football games. There's a short movie about it here. They also walk funny when they play their instruments. They also think this is really, really cool.
This is my high school fight song. That's not a joke. It's also the fight song of approximately 3,850,310 schools across the nation. Apparently it's the cry Arthur MacArthur, Jr. used in the Battle of Chattanooga at Missionary Ridge during the Civil War. I'm not sure why he was busying himself with crying when a war was going on, but people from Wisconsin are strange.
Also, this is apparently the Wisconsin state song... and they stole it from the University of Minnesota.
Wisconsin fans love to party. They drink beer and cook a lot of sausage. They think they do this better than us. So did West Virginia, and we accounted for 23% of their entire beer sales on the year. And I quote:
"The whole line was LSU fans buying four beers at a time"
It's so very B1G of you guys to try, though.
2014 Badger Stars
Every team has the key stars too look out for. Keep your eyes on these gentlemen come Saturday.
Danny "Tanner" McEvoy, Quarter Safety
Lovable dad and co-host of Wake Up, San Francisco by day, filthy mouthed comedian and Badger QB by night, McEvoy enjoys spending time with his three daughters, Michelle, Stephanie and D.J. This week's episode revolves around Tanner's difficulties coming to grips with his identity. Is he a quarterback or a safety? EEK!
Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, Running Back
Sweetback can run. Some think he'll contend for the Heisman. Of course Wisonsin has a great running back, what do you think AIHRBG does with all the souls he captures?
Gary "Mr." Andersen
"I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Andersen." - Les Miles
PROBABLE LES MILES HALF TIME INTERVIEWS
"Coach, the defense played strong but your offense is having trouble getting it going. What will you adjust for the second half?"
"The opportunity to eliminate the chance to fail was present in the way we executed the offense but we just have to make sure to deliberate upon our cadences and find the mechanisms to ignite the potential."
"Coach, your quarterbacks went a combined 3 for 21 in that half. What can you do to get them going?"
"WAAAA HOOOO! Get them going where, Kathy? Suzy? Who are you?"
"Coach, this is Matt Millen."
"OH, hey Matt. How's Patricia? Tell the kids I said hello. By the way, shouldn't you be in Detroit? Lions season starts soon, I think. Anywho, gotta run."
"Coach, Leonard Fournette rushed for 200 yards in the first half. Are you surprised to see such a heavy contribution from a true freshman?"
"Babe Ruth. Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods. Wayne Gretzky. Albert Einstein. Marlon Brando. Jennifer Love Hewitt. That lady that started the Red Cross. Henry Ford."
/Les trots off
"Coach, terrific first half. What do the Tigers need to do in the 2nd half to hang on to this lead?"
"Z, Y, X, V, U, T, S, R, Q..."
"Excuse me, coach?"
"Just sayin' the alphabet backward."
BASTION OF FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE
What about you doesn't scream college football, N R G? You truly are the concrete jungle that dreams are made of. Look at you, a beautiful big bang of oil money, corporate America and desperate Dallas Cowboy penis envy. What a truly destined environment to host a major college football game. Especially for two teams that really don't have a quality playing environment at their disposal. So generous of you to share your environs. You can't spell environs without Enron!
If I can offer one criticism, please? Too much white space. That's prime marketing space! Perhaps you can speak with Joe Alleva on how to tend to this issue. He seems to have figured it out well, himself.
Waiting for Godot
Death of a Salesman
Long Days Journey Into Night
Glengarry Glen Ross
KEYS TO THE GAME
I HAVE COME HERE TO CHEW BUBBLE GUM AND KICK ASS AND I'M ALLLL OUTTA BUBBLE GUM.