clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

LSU vs. UL Monroe: BIG. GAME. PREVIEW.

New, 140 comments

You want hard hittin' analysis? Get your fill right here, folks.

It's TIME.

It's TIMMMMEEE..

IT'S.

PREVIEW.

TIME. TIME. time. time. time. time.

Paul Crewe here, back with yet another installment of the most exhaustive, comprehensive game preview you are gonna find this side of the web. I can't speak for the other side, but I got this side covered, folks. LSU enters this game 2-0 and some may say prime for an upset. NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND *points pencil at you*. Our in-state brethren from the north will make the trip down from 20 to 425 to 61 just a little three-hour jaunt to challenge our beloved Tigers. It's the Game of the Century, folks, and believe you me, I got all your details right chea!

What is a Warhawk, Anyway?

It's a bird?

Hawk1md_medium

via www.ulm.edu

It's a plane?

P40pullingupwheels_medium

via www.richard-seaman.com

It's certainly not Superman.

Superman4_medium

Let's check the history books.

On January 30, 2006, university president James Cofer announced officially that ULM would be retiring the 75-year-old "Indians" mascot in light of new NCAA restrictions against American Indian-themed mascots, which the NCAA considers "hostile and abusive" to Native Americans, despite issuing an appeal to the NCAA to keep the name after the NCAA's ruling allowing FSU to keep their Seminoles nickname.[3][4] This came a few days after a mascot committee voted unanimously in favor of the change. The university accepted suggestions for the new mascot through February 28, 2006. The mascot committee then selected 12 semifinalists.[5]

An online poll, available to students, faculty, staff, alumni, donors and the public, yielded three semifinalists: "Warhawks," "Bayou Gators" and "Bayou Hawks."[6] The school's mascot committee passed a single recommendation to the university president, who made the final decision. Warhawks was announced as ULM's new mascot on April 5, 2006 and implemented on June 26, 2006.[7] The new nickname honors Maj. Gen. Claire Lee Chennault, an LSU alumnus, and his Air Force unit from World War II, which utilized the Curtiss P-40 Warhawk in battle, although the logos primarily use bird imagery.

Few things here.

1) YAYYYYY ULM, you did the right thing.

2) Entirely missed the opportunity to be the "Bayou Gators." Here, let me re-brand you.

Ulmalligator_medium

much vicious. very fright.

3) Next time you want a stake in the "University of Louisiana" argument, we'll gently remind you that you are named after one of our war heroes.

Sunbelt

Sunbelt_medium

Centarius Donald is a Star

Centariusstar_medium

I HAVE AN OPINION ON LEONARD FOURNETTE STRIKING THE HEISMAN POSE

Fournettepartying_medium

An Ode To Monroe

Deathless Monroe, bathed in duck feathers
Daughter of James Monroe, the ship, not the President
Your streets are flooded, not just with the tears of sad Warhawks
But with the endless rainfalls

Though the light of the Pecanland Mall shines bright
Your population, so it wanes
All your best citizens flee for Baton Rouge
First Bradie, then Whitworth, now Diarse too

I weep not for your losses
Nor your-rain drowned streets
But because once Bill Russell left
So, too, did all the championships

I HAVE ANOTHER OPINION ON LEONARD FOURNETTE STRIKING THE HEISMAN POSE

Fournetteheelturn_medium

Embrace the hate. Do it again, Leonard. Do it after you're tackled for loss. Do it when you drop a pass. Do it when you punch it in from the half yard line, even though Kenny Hilliard took the previous seven carries up to that point. Do it post-game interviews. Do it when you get out of the shower.

Coach Todd Berry In Action!

Rallying the troops!

Toddbarrycoach_medium

Arguing with the officials!

Toddbarrycoach2_medium

Deep in thought about the next play call!

Toddbarrycoach3_medium

Houston's Heppins!

Rightreverend_medium

"Right Reverend here y'all. It's time for Houston's Heppins, wherein I give my thoughts on beating them LSU Tigahs, because if I know a thing or two, one of them is how to beat LSU. Can I get an Amen?"

"AMEN!" the beleaguered audience of  First Baptist Church of Monroe bellows.

"Now, when you look at this game right heah, there's three major keys, kinda like the food groups. Giggity."

"Numba 1, run da dad gum footbaw. 80, 90, 100 times if you have to. Punt if you muss, but run, run, run till the day is done. Y'all got that?"

"AMEN!"

"Numba 2, call Darren McFadden. He's got some eligibility left, I think. Not sure about them NFL rules and whether or not the Raiders would go for it, but hell, ain't like theys usin' him anyhow. Now, once you get McFadden, refer back to numba 1. That's the key, really."

"AMEN!"

"Numba 3, well there is no numba three, because this is actually a trick. I'm here today to ask you all if you'd be interested in some beachfront property right here in Monroe? Let. me. tell. YOU. I can get you a fantastic deal on a three bedroom, 6 bathroom beachside mansion, just right down the street here. Also, is Don Shows here? Don? DON!?"

Shows raises his hand meekly in the back.

"Don, you retired yet?!" *cackle* *cackle* *cackle*

*Don shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"Well, Don, I've always been a big fan of what you've done out here, and hoo boy, did you produce some fine players. It was always a delight to come out here and recruit your guys. First class all the way, Donny Boy. So what I'm saying is, if you need a hand, the Right Reverend is here to lend you one."

*Don nods his head, politely thankful though inwardly hoping this is all over soon.

"See this hand," Houston raises right hand, "here... for you," Houston points to Shows. "This hand," Houston raises it again, "here... for you," points to Shows again.

*Audience claps hoping to signal the end.

"Seriously, Don. You got anything? Special Teams? I'll coach Special Teams! Run game coordinator? How about junior varsity QBs coach? Got my resume right here, Don."

*dead silence

"Woo, heh, heh heh, giggity. Thanks for having me, y'all! Now let's pass around those plates for the collection. I got a family to feed."

I HAVE YET ANOTHER OPINION ON LEONARD FOURNETTE STRIKING THE HEISMAN POSE

Hyky1ev_medium

via i.imgur.com

Put Camo On It!

Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.

Bryceshivers_medium

Hi, I'm Lisa Eversman.

Lisaeversman_medium

"We put camo on things!"

Camonthings_medium

"Today, we're gonna go to Monroe, Louisiana, where camo belongs on everything."

"We put it on our trucks!" - Bryce

Frodcamo2_medium

"We put it on our baseball fields." - Lisa

Camofield_medium

"We put it in our contact lenses!" - Bryce

Camolenses_medium

"We put it in our mullets!" - Bryce

Camomullet_medium

"What a sad little baby. Let's put camo on it. Did you see this baby before? Now you really don't."

Camobaby_medium

I HAVE ONE MORE OPINION ON LEONARD FOURNETTE STRIKING THE HEISMAN POSE

Fournettekaratekid_medium

Let Me Transform Your Roster For You

Good coaching makes a difference, but every coach in the country will tell you if ain't got the guns, you won't win the gunfight. The key to winning big in college football is always about the talent. It's indisputable, really. Now, UL Monroe's got a pretty decent little squad, scoring upsets here and there, seeing a player file off to the NFL now and again. They could certainly be worse.

But I wanna take this team to the next level. So let's re-imagine this roster, shall we:

Centarius Donald Duck

Centariusdonaldduck_medium

Why Centarius Donald Duck? Because the opponent will be so concerned with why he's not wearing pants, he should be able to fly right past them.

Buster Keaton Baggs

Busterkeatonbaggs_medium

*jumps off cliff onto giant tree
*giant tree slowly bends to the ground plastering him into the dirt
/scene

*stands around schmuckily
*house collapses all around him
/scene

*sprints to catch train
*hops on train 
*train drives off rails
/scene

Rashon Ceaser Salad

Rashoncaesar-salad_medium

A healthy diet is key to success.

The Adventures of Pete & Pete (Thomas)

The-adventures-of-pete-petethomas_medium

Big Pete. Little Pete. Petunia. Really, what else do you need?

BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD

Jennings to Dural is proving quite the lethal combo thus far. Check out all of their completions:

49 Yards - TD
80 Yards - TD
44 Yards
27 Yards
94 Yards - TD
28 Yards - TD
18 Yards - TD

7 catches, 340 yards, 5 TDs. Is that good?

Bombsoverbaghdad_medium

That's Mr. President, to You

Bitch, thou art from Louisiana
Thou art from Louisiana
Bitch, thou art from Louisiana
Thou art from Louisiana
Bitch, thou art from Louisiana
Thou art from Louisiana
Bitch, thou art from Louisiana
We call it that boot.

Jamesmonroelesmiles2_medium

Les Miles is 11-0 vs. the state of Louisiana. If that's not enough, the combined score of those games is 450 - 71. When it comes to in-state competition, LSU is lapping the field six times over. The last time ULM showed up to Tiger Stadium, they left with a 51-point beat down. Despite being a team that boasts a quality reputation for upsetting SEC West foes, the Warhawks will be outmatched in Death Valley yet again.

LSU - 56
UL Monroe - 3