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How To Football: Week 7

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Your pal Watson picks the fattest strawberries in the patch and delivers them to you.

Brandon Harris will have to prove himself against the vaunted Florida secondary
Brandon Harris will have to prove himself against the vaunted Florida secondary
Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

So by now you've heard that Vine Superstar Nash Grier's brother got the book thrown at him for taking cough medicine, but that doesn't change the fact that Florida-LSU is the anchor in the primetime slot. Also this week marks the glorious return of #FunbeltTuesday.

Funbelt Back Shift

Arkansas State travels to Mobile to play South Alabama, kicking off Funbelt Tuesday for the year. Funbelt Tuesday leads to #MACtion, so we're not far off from the sacred week where there is football on every day.

SEC Least Shift

Auburn goes to Kentucky on Thursday night to resume league play and well...somebody has to win that game. In case that game starts to make you question your sanity, Western Kentucky will be in a constant state of scoring against North Texas over on The Forbidden Network.

California Über Alles Shift

UCLA and Stanford, two teams trending in opposite directions in the first half of the season, kick off at 9:30 on the mothership. It's a good thing you didn't plan on doing anything at work on Friday anyway.

Mormandy Beach Shift

BYU narrowly escaped the Pirates hailing from the Carolina coast last week, and this week they get Tubbs coming into Provo. Tom Herman's rehauled Houston Cougars team will pull into Yulman, which I recommend going to in case you're in NOLA Friday night and have nothing else to do while there (which is a stretch, I know). The Forbidden Network tempts you with Boise State and the Fightin' Chuckie Keetons, and UNLV-Fresno State rounds out the night on the deuce.

Beth Mowins Is Out Of The Rust Belt Shift

Thanks to FOX Sports Go being the worst streaming service imaginable, you're better off just putting up West Virginia and Baylor on your TV and then going quadbox on the device of your choosing. What was deemed as the preseason Atlantic Championship in Louisville and Florida State, two teams who are incredibly underwhelming, will be on the mothership while the ABC/ESPN2 split this week is a ranked Top 25 matchup between UNDEFEATED Iowa and Northwestern and Ole Miss going to Memphis to play the best group of five team. USF-UConn will be a sad, depressing, miserable game but at least it will be a semi entertaining sad, depressing, miserable game.

Hate Barn Shift

This is why it's better to have two screens than to hit the "previous" button like a savage. You can try to flip between Alabama vs. Texas A&M and Michigan vs. Michigan State, but you're bound to miss something. It may not be a score, but you'll miss a fight or some great defense or a coach losing his absolute shit, except for Kevin Sumlin. He's so calm. I want to give him some money. Outside of those two games, Oklahoma looks to bounce back after getting pantsed by arch rival Texas, against Kansas State, who took TCU the distance before the Wildcats ran out of gas in the second quarter. Nebraska travel to Minnesota and South Carolina tries resume some form of normalcy against Vanderbilt Who the hell even knows anymore?

The Battle For DBU Shift

Florida and LSU headline primetime this week, and it will be interesting to see how Brandon Harris and Willy Grier Treon Harris deal with each other's teams airtight secondary. Will Fournette be the deciding factor or will Florida find a way to negate minimize his impact. Elsewhere, Sarkisian-less USC will travel to South Bend to play Notre Dame, who is still trying to limp along with Malik Zaire. The Ohio State has developed a penchant for playing with their food this season, and now that I've brought it up they will probably wipe Penn State clean off the field. Keep an eye on Boston College and Clemson because Addazio has quietly assembled the best defense in the nation, allowing only 842 yards on the season. For comparison, Harbaugh's Michigan is second with 1,088. Missouri and a Nick Chubb-less Georgia over on the SEC Net closes out the window.

The San Battle Shift

Arizona State, the nation's most unpredictable team, goes into the MUSS and attempts to ruin Utah's party, while Washington attempts to break Oregon's 11 year stranglehold on the rivalry, during which the Ducks have outscored the Huskies 429-202. San Diego and San Jose State serve as the alternate in the extreme case where that game becomes a blowout.

Hawai'i is stateside this week, so no late night OC Sports and RK this week.