"Florida Man sticks penis in a blender and blames Jeb Bush for subsequent infertility."
I made that up. Possibly.
Welcome to BIG. GAME. PREVIEW.
The Nutty Professor
THESE NUMBERS WILL DECIDE THE GAME
HEY GATOR FANS, I MADE YOU A DESKTOP WALLPAPER
JOE ALLEVA MAKING NIGHT MOVES
Much like Bob Seger sang in 1976, Joe Alleva snuck off to the backroom, or the alley, or god knows where, to, uh, coalesce, with SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey and ESPN's powers that be to somehow secure a premium night time time slot! Or, in the words of Les, the opportunity for night. We've become so accustomed to Alleva getting bullied around by the SEC we all expected the dreaded 2:30 time slot, where our fans show up only half as imbibed as is properly necessary to scream SUCK THAT TIGER DICK, BITCH and other obscenities, always directed at children and grandmas, mind you. Mazel tov.
THAT'S A NICE TROPHY, JIM, CAN I HAZ IT?
I STAND UP NEXT TO A MOUNTAIN AND KNOCK IT DOWN WITH THE EDGE OF MY HAND
THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE FUTURE OF THE SEC. YOU CAN CALL THIS THE NEW WORLD ORDER OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL!
Rudy Ford decided he wanted to say stopping Leonard Fournette would be no big deal.
19 carries, 228 yards and 3 TDs later, that didn't work out so well for him. Lessons learned, right?
Weh-heh-heh-ellllll, not so fast my friend. /points pencil at camera.
This week, Florida DL Jonathan Bullard decided he too, would get in on the fun. This time saying Fournette was "nothing we can't stop." After further review, some contend his quote wasn't so bad because he surrounded it with flowery praise for Mr. Fournette. Yet, I can't help but wonder what would motivate anyone to say something so asinine. There's a way to convey confidence without such a biting punch line as "nothing we can't stop." Is it that hard to say, "It's a challenge we look forward to." "Fournette is a great player, but we have a great defense too." Look, I just gave you two other viable solutions that completely avoid poking the dragon. And trust me, Mr. Bullard, you are absolutely poking the dragon. Prepare for fire breathing storms of hell Saturday. You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found #Suspect.
RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES
News broke this week that Florida's emerging starting QB, Will Grier, was dosing up on some illegal substances, and no, I don't mean Molly. Grier got popped for doing roids, and it's a real shame, because I was looking forward to embarrassing him. According to reports Grier gained like 400 pounds in 2 weeks or something. This was shocking news. But, should it have been? It was there for us to see all along... how did we ignore the warning signs?
CALM DOWN, JIM
Earlier this year, Jim McElwain lost his god damn mind on Kelvin Taylor for a throat slash gesture that was slightly questionable. Look, Taylor probably learned it from his pops and got caught up in the moment. After all, these are like the first plays he's ever made in his three year Florida career. It must be freeing to be out of the Brent Pease/Kurt Roper Opposition Toward Football Points and Yardage Movement. Hell, we talked about how offensively inept they were LAST YEAR. But I don't think Jim needed to go nuclear on the young kid. He doesn't know what touchdowns are, Jim. Think about how excited you were when you first figured it out. But a rant is a rant. Jim apologized after his mother chewed his ass out. Alls well that ends well. But frankly, I'm more insulted he took this as opportunity to build his brand and expand his own financial horizons. This didn't get near enough coverage, but he's starring in a film about his own anger management issues.
Check it out soon in theatres near you!
100% COMPLETELY NATURAL
30 DAYS OF NIGHT
Florida, pack your survival kits. You're gonna need some bottled water, some heavy artillery, probably some MREs and a few blankets. You'll be in for a long, long evening tomorrow. These are your 30 Days of Night, Florida. In real time it will last only 3, maybe 4 hours, but your concept of space and time will be so maladjusted you will lack any understanding of beginnings and endings. You will feel only pain. Leonard Fournette is your Ghost and he's also your Darkness. You may think you are the hunters, but you are, in fact, the hunted.
If it makes you feel any better, pray to whatever God you think made, Florida. The only problem with that is that he will redirect your requests to the one true living God. Number 7. Leonard Fournette. There is no hope. No escape. Only hunger and pain. When a man meets a force he cannot destroy, he must destroy himself.