How To Football: Week 6

The Fightin' Fournettes play another nooner, which sucks in the respect that you can't get a proper drunk going for the game, but should LSU put away South Carolina like many expect them to do, you get to prop your feet up and enjoy the remainder of the football day.

The Sark Week Shift starts off with an appetizer, SMU and Houston. Houston is off to a 4-0 start under new coach Tom Herman and will likely dispose of 1-4 SMU just in time for you to turn your attention to the entree, Washington and USC, the meeting of Sark's former and current teams. This will be a theme this week.

Friday night follows the same format with the #goacc Shift, with Southern Mississippi and Marshall leading into North Carolina State University and Virginia Polytechnic University, two school who sure do have football teams.

I can tell you that game is going to be incredibly terrible or I can lie to you. Which do you prefer?

Hey! Dante Sawyer, how do you feel about trying to stop Leonard Fournette from breaking the LSU single game rushing record this week?

Oh. Well, good luck this weekend, man.

Other games on the It's Not Called The Orange River Shootout For A Reason Shift includes ZOMBIE ILLINOIS, who is somehow 4-1 without a head coach, heading into Iowa City to play somehow 5-0 ZOMBIE IOWA (AP Correction: "Zombie Iowa" is an oxymoron). Fresh off their Leonidas-esque effort against The Ohio State, Indiana looks to continue the progress against in-state rival Purdue. Crimson Quarry observed that the tide is quickly rising for Indiana football, and in my opinion it won't belong until Indiana pulls a Baylor and pulls themselves up by the bootstraps to sit at the big boy table when it comes to the college football dialogue. UVA and Pitt is going to be the saddest football game, but it's still football and you have 30 minutes to pretend like it's not going to happen.

Oh, and Texas is going to beat Oklahoma because that's just how college football works.

The N00M Shift gets it's namesake from a game marooned on the Big Ten Network, a remix of a classic from last year. The game on the TV is between a Georgia Tech team that is bombing and nobody is talking about, but it's a pissed off Paul Johnson and Clemson, so I'm liking the odds that Clemson can Clemson this game away. In case you didn't feel bad enough for Tennessee as it is, they have to play Nick Chubb and Georgia coming off a loss. And man, I do feel bad for them. But they have it coming since they will be wearing "Smokey" uniforms. Speaking of uniforms, Notre Dame and Navy are doing this cool thing where each team is wearing the same baselayer, which sounds cool until you remember that they have virtually the same uniforms anyway. Wisconsin-Nebraska rounds out the afternoon shift.

The Hologram Shift has the draw of Dana Hologram playing his former team Oklahoma State with his new one, West Virginia. That's always a fun narrative! Honestly, this shift needs all the narrative it can rustle up, because it's not the greatest. TCU will eventually rip Kansas State apart and steal all of Snyder's Werher's Originals just as Bama is going to push Arkansas around before choking the life out of the Hogs. And if you're still not into it, Florida State gets to body Miami and likely seal Al Golden's fate. A potential Missouri upset of Florida (boy, I didn't think I'd say that in August) likely went down the drain when Maty Mauk was suspended.

The It's All About The U Shift spotlights the matchup where Gameday will be broadcasting from, Cal-Utah. In case your unawares, Utah is good this year and Jared Goff may be the best QB in the nation and will hopefully be the next quarterback of the New Orleans Saints, so you have two reasons to watch that game. Wyoming-Air Force and Chuckie Keeton-Fresno on The Forbidden Channel round out the nigh-*record scratch*

BAH GAWD THAT'S KEKAULA'S MUSIC