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Playin'..."Nice" ... : Red Cup Rebellion

JUCO All-American fills us in on how to get drunk enough to make the Grove seem interesting.

1. Let's talk about the big ol' box of Kleenex. Since we haven't succeeded in convincing anybody to let the Boot fall off a truck, would y'all really mind if we let this thing bounce off 55 somewhere around Brookhaven so we could stop pretending this game needs it?

It took me a long time to figure out what you were talking about.

I kind of like that there's a trophy to go along with the rivalry now. Sure, some people like to debate the merits of the trophy itself, but I don't mind it. Sure, the trophy isn't as storied and therefore not as cool as some of the older versions, but I don't think it's bad. If the game's going to be called the magnolia bowl, how else can it really be presented? A tree? It's named after a flower which is only distinguished by its huge bulb. I get it.

2. So has Swag gone platinum yet, or is that just the color of the grill he bought after beating Alabama?

I freaking wish, man. If he came out with a rap album, I'd personally purchase 20 copies of it, but you know, the NCAA is kinda dumb and probably wouldn't allow it. Thanks, Obama.

The truth is Chad has been waaaay too subdued this year. I was hoping he'd be awesome at football and also incredibly wild on the field much like Marshall Henderson was for basketball (though perhaps without the addiction and stint in rehab). He is the first but no longer the latter. :(

$wag Kelly? More like.... Chad.... Kelly.

3. Can you prove that Chad Kelly is not, in fact, just some sort of Chris Gaines-type character of Bo Wallace?

Nah. Bo Wallace was Sunshine in Meet the Titans. Chad Kelly is a character from the movie, Newsies. They're pretty dissimilar, honestly.

This whole, "Good Chad / Bad Chad" is a lazy, shitty narrative by the national media. He has had some flaws in games, but Kelly generally looks fantastic. He's really different than Bo.

On the other hand, I'm still waiting for "Good [LSU Quarterback]" to surface under Les Miles someday. HEY-O!

4. So how are y'all going to risk Robert Nkemdiche's career next? Kicking field goals? Returning punts?

So, don't tell your coaches, ok? Can you promise not to tell your coaches what I'm going to tell you? Because if you tell them.... IF you tell them.... this strategy won't work.

I have a friend whose brother's mechanic knows a guy who works out next to a manager for the football team. This week, Robert Nkemdiche will be playing corner against Malachi Dupre. Apparently the plan is to never let him off the line of scrimmage. OH GOD! I WAS KIDDING, BUT WHAT IF? WHAT IF I JUST DEVISED THE NEXT GREAT CORNERBACK STRATEGY?

But for realz, maybe he should stick to playing defensive tackle.

5. Since the Grove is kind of a boring downer, any ideas for how visiting LSU fans can pep themselves up to get in the mood for the stadium?

Let me apologize for the shortage of bedazzled pimp cups and fuzzy hats in the Grove. It's really something we're trying to work on this week to make you feel more at home. Perhaps you could make an overseasoned dish out of various animal penises, eat that, and increase your testosterone or something.

If I were able to make the game, I'd be drinking bourbon out of a red cup. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to incorporate neon plastics you can somehow drink from in your "cocktail" choice on Saturday though.

But honestly, this isn't a popular opinion among Ole Miss fans I guess, but LSU is definitely my #2 school in the West. I love the majority of your fans (though the ones who suck SUCK HARD), and most of y'all can cook. I always look forward to this game. Good luck.