ATVS Exclusive Interview: SOURCES

The most sought after entity in the sports business is a notoriously difficult person to catch up with. But, we here at AndTheValleyShook dot com spare no resource when it comes to delivering the very best #content.

Paul: Can you talk to us a little bit about your upcoming role this season?

Sources: Big, big year for me. A lot to prove, Paul. A lot to prove. I have my doubters. And you know, it's tough, Paul. You get online, and you see, "Your sources don't know shit." "Your sources are idiots." I don't want my kids to see all that, you know? And they come to me and they ask me, "Why are people saying that about you daddy?" And I really don't know what to say. But I just remind them that Daddy loves them, no matter what anyone says.

Paul: What would you say to people who say you are consistently wrong?

Sources: I don't blame them, really. They can only speak from experience... from what they know, right? And all they know is "Sources is right" or "Sources is wrong." And really, these things are fluid. Things change. People change. Lotta moving parts that not everyone sees.

Paul: Yes, but, how do we know you aren't just, well, making all this shit up, when there's no accountability?

Sources: Well, you don't, Paul. I could be *makes finger quotes* "making all this shit up." But you know what? *whispers* What if I'm not? *smirks*

Paul: The thing is, why should we trust you anymore? Also, how is it possible that you know everyone's brother, sister, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, mechanic, plumber and electrician?

Sources: And people wonder why I don't do interviews? I show up here, I take my valuable time to try and clarify a few things for you. What even are you? You are writing this shit from your mother's basement, you low-rent blogger. But you know what, it's the holiday season, so I'm gonna spare you the complete evisceration and try and play nice. How about a story?

Paul: Sure, if you feel that well help our readers understand.

Sources: Back in 2006, Alabama fired Mike Shula. Great guy, by the way. So immediately all the speculation starts popping and my name is getting thrown all over the place. And from the beginning. From the beginning, Paul, I said it. You know it. You know the truth. Tell everyone who I said would be the next Alabama head coach.

Paul: Nick Saban.

Sources: Nick. Fuckin'. Saban. Oh yeah, Sources knocked that one out the park. A month and a half later, who did Alabama announced as head coach? Nick. Fuckin'. Saban. And you know what?

Paul: What?

Sources: What thanks did I get? No one sent me flowers. No one said, "Oh gee, Sources nailed that one!"

Paul: Yes, but...

Sources: Yes, but... let me guess. You call one Nick Saban to Texas and everyyyyyything you've ever said means shit. Is that right Paul? Is that what you were going to say?

Paul: Well, there are many documented examples... I just want...

Sources: You just want the truth huh? Well the truth is, things change, Paul. What's here today, may be gone tomorrow. Einstein said that. Look it up.

Paul: Well, then, can we talk about Jimbo Fisher?

Sources: Well, shit, Paul. We can talk about whatever you want. Jimbo Fisher? Ha!

Paul: Well, all the reports suggest you have stated he's headed to LSU. I've seen it on Twitter. I've seen it on message boards. I've seen it on blogs. I've seen reporters even discuss it.

Sources: What more do you need me to say, Paul? You cited all the evidence right there.

Paul: But can you, with 100% assurance, guarantee me that Jimbo Fisher will be the next LSU football coach?

Sources: I don't know Paul. Things change.

Paul: Well, we're about out of time here. Where can our readers find you this season?

Sources: Oh, you know where to find me. I'll be on Twitter. I should be heavily involved in the college football coaching carousel. May dabble into some early NBA and NHL tragedies. If things go poorly for a couple college basketball coaches, look for me there too. And if Ohio State plays poorly against Michigan. Yeah, I'll be all over that one.