2015 NFL Draft Scouting Reports: the ATVS Staff

NFL scouts know EVERYTHING about the players they've scouted for tonight's draft. They know if they're too nice. If they're too mean. How well they tip. Do they include to-go orders? Sonic car-hops? You can't trust a linebacker that doesn't let his Skatetress keep the change on an Oreo Blast.

And you can always trust these scouts to leak exactly how they feel to the mainstream media's host of NFL insiders. Always on the up-and-up, NEVER for self-serving reasons. There is no SELF-serving in the National. Football. League. After all, it's all in service to The Shield.

But if you think they limit their observations just to potential football players, well you just don't know how far the league goes to vet people. Even bloggers are reported on. And here are the top-secret, so-far-inside-we-know-what-the-had-for-breakfast reports on the And the Valley Shook Staff.

Pod Katt

Spot on, in my opinion. The lack of flexibility from all that muscle can be a real problem in tight quarters.

Billy

Tough, but fair. You stay classy, San Francisco.

Poseur

A man with processed flour and high-fructose corn syrup in his diet should think extra hard before he ranks ANYTHING.

Paul Krewe

No kidding, right? We're not even sure if that's his real name.

"Dan Davis"

This fuckin' guy...

Cdub

Yeah, but it helps keep that jersey SPARKLING.

Jake

You just can't beat a nice loaf of bread. Step your game up, Jake.

Crabshire

It's why he always has to sit by himself at Astros games.

Zrau

That's...like really spot on, actually.

WatsonTiger

#LivingstonParish

dr.awesome

Seriously. He's going to go cross-eyed.

MadiM

They make her lose control.

bradyball

I mean if you can't finish the pre-game meal, you'll never finish the game.

Matt Monte

STOP TELLING PEOPLE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK WE KNOW YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET