June is here, which means that Athlon, Lindys and Phil Steele are straining those knuckles to keep a few fingers on the ledge relevancy with their annual preview magazines. And of course, what's a preview magazine without some sort of hot-taek ranking of coaches, right?
Here at ATVS, we love to rank things, only by the strictest and most infallibly scientific methods. We would never steer you wrong, or slave ourselves to the moment or to the fads of the current offseason.
Which is why this year we're ranking them based on their results when we used their pictures on Microsoft's Age Guesser app.
Look, we all know that you only feel as old as you look, and youthful enthusiasm is incredibly important to the modern 24-7/365 recruiting cycle. This is IMPORTANT.
1. Mark Richt - 22
The man hasn't aged a day since he arrived in Athens. I can't decide if it's all that good Christian clean livin', or if there's some dark secret we don't know about. Maybe a painting, in a crate, well-hidden in the darkest corner of the Richt attic. A painting that must never be seen by the eyes of man.
A painting that Steve Spurrier has known about for years. He'll go pick it up when he beats Georgia again on his farewell tour.
2. Steve Spurrier - 25
The Mid-Atlantic lifestyle pretty clearly agrees with the man. Besides, if there's somebody that can act like a bitchy grandmother better than an actual bitchy grandmother, it's a 25-year-old.
3. Les Miles - 30
Wheat grass shots are supposed to be a magic elixir, and Kathy has been subbing it out for Les' usual fescue for years. It's clearly paying off.
That plus all the hair-dying.
4. Dan Mullen & Hugh Freeze (tie) - 35
Completely indistinguishable. Like a pair of competing insurance salesmen from Tupelo.
5. Brett Bielema - 39
Bert is right on the edge of that mid-life crisis. He hasn't hit the big 4-0 and gone and bought the motorcycle yet, but he's stopped by the Harley-Davidson place a couple times. Talks about buying a boat a lot. Look, he's just at a good place right now and he can afford a little extra debt. Break up the monotony, you know?
6. Butch Jones - 44
Look, Butch knows you said you were just looking, but he's got this choice F-150 on the lot. Just a couple thousand miles on it. Hitch. Four-wheel drive. Leather. Super sweet deal. You might want to jump on it, because he doesn't know how many more days it's going to stick around...
7. Gus Malzahn - 45
Gus Malzahn looks like your ninth grade biology teacher. He's got two kids at home, and frankly the school system doesn't pay him enough to put up with your crap, but he's going to go the extra mile to help you understand cellular mitosis because deep down, he just CARES, okay? And one day, you're going to thank him silently to yourself and do absolutely nothing.
8. Jim McElwain - 47
Middle-age has been kind to Big Jim. He got that big promotion at the firm and landed a kick-ass time-share on the coast. You know you really need to come to one of the seminars. I mean you really can't beat some of the deals they have. Plus they give you a voucher for Outback. He can probably get you an extra one for the little lady.
9. Mark Stoops - 50
I just assume everybody from Ohio looks this age.
10. Derek Mason - 55
Man, and this is what he looked like just last year.
That Vandy job is STRESSFUL. I hope he's eating well.
11. Nick Saban - 56
Never say the face lift, the teeth-whitening and the Botox aren't worth the money. That's a whole seven years off Nick's actual age.
12. Gary Pinkel - 63
Gary Pinkel is 63 years old. There is literally nothing else to say about him.
13. Kevin Sumlin - 70
I mean, that may seem steep, but think about it -- all the stress of handling Johnny Manziel and hiring and firing pool-boys just weighs on you after a while. And just wait till he sees how many more hours on the road recruiting he'll have to spend thanks to that new coordinator of his.