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Offseason Nonsense: Don't Buy Things for Your Dorm

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It is all bad.

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Recently my girlfriend Ali and I ventured to a Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy a wedding gift for my brother and his wife. Don't get it twisted: I love Bed, Bath, and Beyond. As someone who is inclined to cook (and rather enjoys it), it's got everything you'd need for a kitchen and about twice as many things you don't need, but would like to have, so it's nice to go peruse every once in a while. We didn't get a chance to really see what Trip-B (hip nickname) had to offer that day, but it's something I enjoy doing when I can.

During the summertime, however, a particular market more or less takes over Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and it's one many of us have been a part of: the college dorm shopper. I lived in a dorm for all of a year during undergrad, and I can honestly say I enjoyed it. I can't walk into Trip-B's (branding) without thinking of Summer 2008 when I was in the same shoes as many high school grads today, getting ready to ship off to college to drink cheap beer and eat too much fast food become a more educated, productive member of society.

That included dorm shopping, which was an admittedly sparse affair for me since LSU more or less fully furnishes dorms for the low, low price of one (1) limb or one (1) vital organ. I can't think of many things LSU didn't provide, or that I didn't already have at home. In fact, I think the only significant piece of dorm furniture I bought was a plastic chest of drawers that I still use (I'm an adult).

After going to Trip-B's (find yours now!) and noticing all the dorm furniture there, I decided to go to their website to see all of the dorm wares they've got for sale. I reached a simple conclusion: if you sift through them (and I did), 98% of dorm furnishings available for purchase are garbage. For the most part they're impractical, cheaply made, and appear to be designed to disintegrate the second you apply an iota of force more than they're built to withstand. Some have been made using the vague idea of what a middle-aged person thinks is "what the kids are into these days." They're all way too expensive and have about a 1000% profit margin. Let's take a look at some of the worst ones.

MiracleFold Laundry Folder in Sky Blue - $24.99

folder

"Folds clothes just like you see on sale at the store! Prepare yourself for the retail job you'll get once you fail out freshman year!"

Deco Breeze® OMG Figurine Table Fan - $90.99

omgfan

"OH MY GOD WHY DID I WASTE MY MONEY ON THIS FAN WHEN I COULD HAVE PURCHASED A MORE REASONABLY SIZED-FAN THAT DOES THE SAME THING FOR CHEAPER WITH A SMALLER DESK PROFILE."

Smart Media Desk 2 - $19.99

mediadesk

Okay, everyone knows at least one person who owned one of these in college. While the idea behind it is good ("ergonomics are important!" he says as he types this while slouched behind his desk), the idea is horrible in practice. Laptops and tablets can be awkward enough by themselves and this is just adding another layer to it. This is a way of trying to compromise between the laziness of surfing the 'Net in bed with the proper posture of sitting at a desk. It ends with your laptop sliding off of your Smart Media Desk 2 and into a heap of parts on the floor.

Studio 3B 6-Shelf Sweater Organizer - $14.99

sweaterorg

[SCENE: at a Bed, Bath, and Beyond]

"Awesome! I can hang this and use it to store my ha—"

"no"

"Surely you can use it for shir—"

"no"

"Oh come on, I could even store shorts and pa—"

"no only sweaters"

"But in the pictures it's holding a pair of boo—"

"well you see what you think is reality is merely deception perpetrated by the illuminati, the trilateral commission, and garry shandling"

"I'm leaving now."

"enjoy your time at bed, bath, and beyond, life is fleeting and meaningless"

Privacy Pop Bed Tent - $129.99 - $159.99

bedtent

Isolate yourself from your roommate and friends, literally and figuratively!

Kendrick Lamar, Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City Vinyl Album - $21.98

Kendrick

wait what okay sure

LumiSource Disco Planet Lamp - $24.99

discolamp

"Yo Carter, you ready to go to the party?"

"Yeah man! Wait hang on, I've got just what we need to take Chad's party to the next level."

[rummages around in closet, produces LumiSource DiscoPlanet Lamp]

"Dude if we sync this up to the music, tonight is gonna be off. The. Chain."

"Carter are you on drugs."

"No why."

"...."

Deco Breeze LOL Figurine Table Fan - $90.99

lol fan

Even has the meaning of "LOL" written on the side, just in case you forget why you wasted an entire c-note on a desk fan that says "LOL."