How To Football: Week 1 2015

With Montana and college football's savior Bob Stitt upsetting the number 1 ranked North Dakota State on Saturday, the 2015 college football season was ushered in. That was the only game of the weekend, effectively making it Week Zero. Week One kicks off Thursday when North Carolina plays South Carolina in Bank Of America Stadium in Charlotte and UCF plays host to The Fighting Neds of FIU.

If you've been following me on Twitter, then you knew every week during the college football season I put together a suggested viewing guide. Still doing that this year, only this time I'm writing about it. College football is something that seemingly vanishes as soon at it arrives, so if you want to absorb as much as possible like a bear gouging on food before a cold hard winter, you have to watch at least 5 games at once. They may seem daunting if you're a plebeian stuck in 2005, still hitting the "previous" button on your remote, but I promise this is a lot easier than it sounds. All you need is a TV with a cable connection and a computer. And if you have the money, I highly recommend buying a small monitor to connect to said computer so you can hang out with your internet pals while going quadbox on the second monitor. You can get a good HDMI monitor for as low as 80 bucks.

Now that we're past the required readings part of the syllabus, here's what I suggest you watch for the opening week of college football.

Even though it's being played in a corporate, lifeless even by the NFL's standard stadium, UNC-SCAR and TCU-Minnesota are the only interesting games in an otherwise dull day in college football with no major storylines at all. Really, I'm just ready for it because it means that the FBS season is underway.  You'd think that there would be something to play up to start off the year like a new coach at a big name program, but c'est la vie.

I didn't want to put this on the chart because this is reserved for only the most dedicated college football psychopaths fans, but there is a once in a lifetime ALOHA FRIENDS Shift at midnight Thursday on CBSSports.

Friday offers a new dynamic: the mid weekday game. Charlotte plays their first ever FBS game in the Georgia Dome at 2:30, which means I hope that WatchESPN isn't blocked at your workplace. As usual, the Friday evening games are not the pick of the litter. Baylor is going to turbomurder SMU and Michigan State will boatrace (I am so sorry) Western Michigan, but if you can make it to the 9:00 kickoff, Washington and Boise may lowkey be the best game of the weekend.

The Noon Shift, again as per usual, is a tire fire of awfulness. Just pray to your favorite deity that the Battle Of The Nerds is a good game otherwise you're in for a looooong three hours, unless you have a sick perversion to Bo Pelini and Pitt.

The Birdwatching Shift's weight lies heavily on llvll-Auburn, but that doesn't mean that you should be watching that on the TV. CBS streams the game for free, and unless you're a stickler for stream quality, it's pretty good with only a slight lag. I don't know how they'll be doing this last year, but in the past ESPN has not made ABC-only games available on the WatchESPN app for reasons. Don't fool yourself that UVA-UCLA will be good, it won't be, but have it on as a contingency plan in case Mike London decides that he likes having a job.

The NFL Stadium shift is where things get logjammed. Yes, this is an LSU blog, but listen, the McNeese game is going to be a blow out by the second quarter. You're going to want to watch, but unless you're with company (and really, I know that your internet friends are your only real friends) then you don't need to be watching that game on the big screen. Instead watch Alabama strangle the life out of the Badgers, the internet lose their shit when Notre Dame drops 40 on Texas (okay, 35), and a DJ Foster-lead Arizona State drop A&M in Houston. Really, please don't pick A&M to win this game for anything.

The Mitch Mustain Memorial Late Night Shift features Mississippi State playing at Southern Miss (no you read that right) and Arkansas Sta-hahahahahaha that was a joke nobody actually gets the Pac-12 Network.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

On Sunday, Purdue plays Marshall at 2 on Fox Sports 1. College football on a Sunday?

And of course since it's Labor Day, there's a game on Monday. And it's pretty great, if you enjoy Tarantino amounts of blood in your football, because that's what Virginia Tech is going to provide when Ohio State shows them their still-beating heart at 7 on the mothership. College football on a Monday Night?

But of course, this is all subjective. I'm not telling you how to live your life man, I'm just here to show you the correct form for doing so. Think of me like that dude who comes up to you at the gym and shows you how to properly curl no man, how to properly curl like come on man are you here to get better or are you not come on bro.