How To Football: Week 3

LSU is playing at home against Auburn in the dreaded 2:30 CBS time slot this week, which means I'll be good and loaded by the time the noon game kicks off, but there are poorer, less fortunate souls that will not be in attendance and will instead be soaking in the football via the comforts of their "HD televisions" and "air conditioning". This post is meant to cater to those poor bastards, instructing them on how to watch all the succulent handegg on this weekend.

Clemson-llvll is the lone FBS game on Thursday, and it's worth watching just to see if the Birds With Teeth will decide to try and pull the emergency brake on the season after losing to Auburn and Arsenal Houston to start. Florida A&M plays South Carolina State on ESPNU, which I mean sure why not. BIRDS DON'T HAVE TEETH IT'S ILLOGICAL AND HAUNTS ME AT NIGHT.

Potato Night In America features Florida State's annual "trap game" against Boston College on the mothership, and another FCS game on the []_[] in Hampton and Howard. Idaho State and Boise is on TV for some reason, in that it's on a channel nobody actually gets. Your knee jerk reaction is to assume that New Mexico and Arizona State is going to be a slaughter, but while everybody was calling it a night on Saturday, the Sun Devils had a lot of difficulty putting away Cal Poly.

The Quadbox Shift features non-con games all on the Worldwide Leader family of networks, and we just go down the line with em. Air Force travels to Michigan State to get crushed on ABC, UConn goes to Missourah on the mothership, ESPN2 will be airing Illinois and North Carolina, USF and Mary square off on ESPNU, and Northwestern and Duke start 30 minutes later on ESPN3/ACC Network. I never said these games were overly interesting.

The Uncle Verne and Stepdad Gary Shift spotlights two games. Much to the chagrin of Tigers of the Parish variety, LSU hosts Auburn at 2:30, which if the weather is like it was today then shouldn't be too bad in the stadium. The weather will not be like it was today. Auburn barely scrapped by Jacksonville State on Saturday, and LSU look great for a half in a nail-biter in Starkvegas. Speaking of scrapping by, Notre Dame doesn't get a breather after Virginia took them to the wire, they instead get to play host to Georgia Tech and Paul Johnson's relentless triple option. The ABC/ESPN2 split this week is Nebraska-Miami (FL) and Northern Illinois-The Ohio State, where one game is obviously way more interesting than other. Nebraska and Miami may be shells of their former selves that played in the famous 1984 Orange Bowl, but it looks to be a pretty entertaining game nonetheless. The Ohio State will likely retain The Traveling The against Northern Illinois. Virginia Tech-Purdue rounds out the shift. Do not watch that game unless you're ok with being sad or have something in the immediate vicinity to make you happy, like a puppy.

The WAILYP Shift is bottom heavy, with South Carolina-Georgia being the only 5:00 kickoff. South Carolina is coming off of a loss against Kentucky and is lucky enough to get Nick Chubb at home on the rebound. Recruits, please go to South Carolina. Steve Spurrier did not pay me in Titleist visors to include that. The back end of the shift stars Stanford and USC on ABC, USC's first true test of the season after beating Arkansas State and Idaho. Because things are going great for Texas, they try to stop Jared Goff and Cal on national television. Speaking of things going great, Arkansas had a bit of scheduling genius and pulls Texas Tech for a recovery game following a rough tussle with juggernaut Toledo. Over on the SEC Net, Kentucky attempts to break the streak against a Vernon Hargreaves-less Florida team and no no no, this is the year it happens.

The Hail Mary shift gets started with the game getting the Gameday treatment this week, Ole Miss and Bama. While it would be nice to see somebody hang 70 on Bama's defense, something tells me Ole Miss' steak is going to end this week. Speaking of streaks likely about to end, BYU is 2-0 on the year and both of those wins came via Hail Marys. This game is going to be good (for my money most likely to be the best game on the weekend) but I think the odds of hitting the jackpot on three straight desperation heaves isn't going to be in the favor of BYU. Utah travels to Fresno on the forbidden network, and why not watch Northern Arizona and Arizona until it's...

SEXY KEKAULA TIME