How To Football: Week 4

Bad news: LSU is playing at 11:00 this week

Good news: It's an away game.

Even better news: LSU plays in the otherwise worst shift of the day (unless you're still hooked on the #MormonMagic/HARBAW narrative), meaning you get to set the cruise control for the rest of the day and soak up all the good football.

There's one and only one game on Thursday, with Cincinnati taking on a sparky Memphis team, who is secretly averaging 54 points a game.

And boy, poor UVA. Poor poor UVA. After getting walked over by Josh Rosen to start the year and then suffering a heartbreaker to Notre Dame, the Hoos barely eeked out a win over William and Mary. And it's not getting any easier for Mike London when Boise comes to town in front of the only primetime game of the night (on the most prominent channel). For a coach trying to save his job, that schedule is not doing him any favors. Fresh off their upset/exposure of USC, newly-ranked Stanford travels to Oregon State.

There's much to be made about how long, if at all, Fournette will play against Syracuse, but the big story is on the Orange. Syracuse is 3-0 for the first time since 1991, but did it via an overtime victory against Central Michigan where Syracuse played their FIFTH STRING quarterback. Elsewhere on the HAIL FOURNETTE Shift, Harbaugh welcomes the remnants of Mormon Magic and all-name QB Tanner Magnum to the Big House, BEEEEEEEEES try to take out their anger on the Blue Devils, an 0-3 George O'Leary plays a 1-2 reeling Ole Ball Coach, and Indiana plays Wake Forest, all of which can be found on the ABC family of networks! That last one may seem a little out of left field, but after a tussle with Western Kentucky (who is v. good this year) the Hoosiers are 3-0 and Wake Forest is 2-1. I know that really doesn't mean much at all, but bad justification is still justification. Also, the rest of the shift is doodoo.

Because FOX Sports Go is shite, the TV for the Lone Star Shift should be on TCU and Texas Tech. We all know TCU is good, but Texas Tech's "Top Fuel Dragster On A Roadcourse" philosophy has worked for them so far, coming off of a 35-24 win over Arkansas, where in my mind Kliff Kingsbury cooled his hot seat by ethering BERT after beating him. He is dreamy after all. But honestly, I like Texas Tech's matchup here. If there's any team in the Big "12" whose offense can drag race TCU outside of Baylor, it's Tech's (WEST VIRGINIA AIN'T PLAY NOBODY). If there's ever been a year for Tennessee to break the 10 year streak of losing to Florida, this is the one, with Florida just barely extending their streak over Kentucky to 29 (!). Off of heartbreak, Texas gets the pleasure of dealing with Oklahoma State. The ABC/ESPN split this week is VT-ECU and Western Michigan-The Ohio State. Those outcome are probably easy to decipher, but after last week...

Just like it's forefather, the Just Got My Ass Kicked Shift demands that the FOX game be on TV because FOX Sports Go. Remember that time last year Kaelin Clay dropped a touchdown against the Ducks and had it returned all the way? That was hilarious. Well I can't promise something that funny will happen this week, but I can promise that this game will be a lot better than last year's  51-27 drubbing. UCLA-Arizona gets the Gameday treatment, and that looks to be a great game for all intents and purposes, but Southerners will be keeping tabs on two games: Texas A&M-Arkansas (okay, maybe some of the more hateful Yankees will be watching this) and Mississippi State-Auburn. Just after getting his ass bodied by Kliff, BERT has to play another wide open offense when A&M comes to town. And A&M's defense is ever so slightly better than Tech's. At least he will have SEC refs though!!! Speaking of getting bodied, after getting victimized by Leonard Fournette, Auburn plays host to Mississippi State and Dak Prescott. Running QB's have had their way with Auburn this year, so if 2014 Dak show up to the party things could get dark on the plains. Terrible, I know. Missourah and Kentucky round out the shift. Technically Missouri won that game against UConn, but it doesn't feel like they won. If you're unaware of what Missouri did against UConn, google it at your own risk because I'm not linking to that boxscore, my shots are not up to date.

Only two games on the West Coast Bias Shift, the more prominent being USC-Arizona State, who finally put it all together against New Mexico after getting 1738'd against A&M and needing 58 minutes to dispose of Cal Poly. Fresno State and San Jose State are (allegedly) playing on the forbidden channel.

So after LSU totally plays Syracuse closer than should have, kick back, pop the top, and use this guide to enjoy the remaining ~9 hours of football left on the day.