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LSU vs. Syracuse: BIG. GAME. PREVIEW.

You will die.

By Paul Crewe

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Hi Everyone. It's time for BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. Below you will find an assortment of images and text of a comedic nature. Most of it is very funny and if you do not laugh it's probably because you are not smart and do not get the joke. Or you attend, graduated from or dropped out of Syracuse. At any rate, please like, comment and share this with your friends and relatives. You can join the BIG. GAME. PREVIEW movement by using the #hashtag #BGP2K15.

Please hang up at the dial tone. This message is brought to you by Draft Kings.

Juice Jam

Every year, to kick off the start of yet another school semester, Syracuse University hosts a music festival in-aptly called "Juice Jam." No, this is not the fruity knock off of Candy Crush. Juice Jam crams hundreds of students into Skytop Field and contracts big time musical acts, like Kendrick Lamar in 2013. Per their own website, Juice Jam "was a reminder to all students about the great times that have yet to come in their years here at Syracuse University." How did the students feel about this:

juicejam

Oh.

But it looks like fun:

juicejam2

By "great times ahead" the administrators at Syracuse quite clearly mean getting mind numbingly blitzed at every waking moment because what the fuck else is there to do in Syracuse, New York? You see, because at the end of the year, they do yet another party, called Mayfest. Mayfest is gigantic block party, which, once again, features high profile (read: expensive) musical acts such as Ke$ha and 2 Chainz. Even more amazing? They give out free beer. Again this is a University condoned event.

So it's not all too surprising that Syracuse topped Princeton Review's party schools list just last year. They tumbled to 5 this year. LSU doesn't even crack the top 20.

So Syracuse University, who endorses, nay, outright hosts, two gigantic parties every year must be proud of this fact, right?

"We are disappointed with the Princeton Review ranking, which is based on a two-year-old survey of a very small portion of our student body. Syracuse University has a long-established reputation for academic excellence with programs that are recognized nationally and internationally as the best in their fields. We do not aspire to be a party school. With new leadership, we are very focused on enhancing the student experience, both academically and socially. Students, parents, faculty and the full Syracuse University community should expect to see important and positive changes in the year ahead that will improve and enhance the student environment in every aspect." -

Source

The "very small portion of the student body" wouldn't happen to be the hundreds of students you give free beer to on a yearly basis, now would it? I like to think the administration of Syracuse, behind closed doors, celebrated their placement on the party list by playing beer pong and flip cup with Empire Brewing Barley Wine because in Syracuse they don't fuckin' play, man. Of course this press release was written in post-booze haze of the next mornings regrets, with the pride that can come only from being a member of the nation's top party school.

The Punisher

thepunisher

The Key Orangemen, Literally

schaferorange

This is Head Orange Coach, Scott Schafer. He's juiced his mind this week and come up with a stellar game plan full of Zest and Pulp. Here are Zest and Pulp in action:

zestandpulp

I'm not sure I agree with Zest (the one with the arm) handing it off to Pulp (the one with no arms), but this wouldn't be the most harebrained thing I've ever seen Yankees do. How do you carry the football with no arms? How do you run with no legs? The key here is really the peel back block.

Ok, I'm done.

Would You Rather?

There you have it.

Really Important Numbers

The Debate to End all Debates

Which is the best orange soda?
Orange Crush
Fanta
Sunkist
Poll Maker

Players to Watch!

Eric Dungey

ericdungey

(pictured above without cowboy hat)

Dungey is an athletic QB with a big arm that can really do some damage when he gets going. I hope he'll be wearing pads on Saturday because if not it could get ugly when the Tigers take the field. Also, the guy in the Cowboy Hat is not legally allowed to play with him at the same time. This is specified in the NCAA Rulebook, which you can buy here for $7.50 and know more about the game than the referees who are paid to know about the game. Anyhow, that rule is Article 36.2.3.42.9.8.17 point C of item 3.14159265359.*

***UPDATE***

Apparently Tony Dungey's son will not actually be playing Saturday due to injury. That's what he gets for not wearing shoulder pads.

Sterling Hofrichter

(not pictured)

What more can be said about this man than hasn't already been said before. Over at Nunes Magician he's been described as the greatest kicker to ever play football. So it makes perfect sense that Syracuse has not played him at all this year, even though Syracuse's offense specializes in punting. Also, many of their fans do not understand the touchback rule and believe you get two free throws after a certain number of penalties (which they keep calling fouls).

Jordan Fredericks

(pictured later)

The biggest thing you need to know here is that he started a successful business many years ago and he's been living off his wealth before he decided he wanted to play college football. So far in 2015 he's rushed for almost as many yards as Leonard Fournette did last week, so that's pretty good. He's not the first guy with an affinity for ladies undies and football, amirite? LOL.

Jim Brown and Ernie Davis

I can't find a lot of information about these two, but all the Orange fans keep telling me how great they are, so I thought I would put them. Normally I like to do much more thorough analysis but I ran out of ti

Les the Butcher

lesthebutcher

"Do you know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Fear. The spectacle of fearsome acts. Somebody steals from me, I cut off his hands. He offends me, I cut out his tongue. He rises against me, I cut off his head, stick it on a pike. Raise it high up in the streets so all can see. That’s what preserves the order of things. Fear."

I must admit, Syracuse, I have no reason to hate you. You are the perfectly cute, defected puppy at the adoption center. You were made with all the best of intentions, yet are now disgustingly flawed. But that's okay, because we all are. Look at me, right in my glass eye. It's a sign of perfection now rotted, corrupted, mangled.

The only thing that motivates me now is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of becoming stale, rotten and disgusting, much like you. I look at you and see only what I do not want to become. So I shall end this quickly, mercilessly. And at the end of the day I will stand over your cold, lifeless corpse and ask, "Now that you've had a taste of my mutton, how do you like it?"

LSU: 365
Syracuse: 7.5