How To Football: Week 5

Hello. It's already Week 5! How is it already Week 5? It was just yesterday that we were all watching North Carolina out-ass South Carolina.

Two weeks in a row of Tubbs invading our homes on Thursday nights, this week against Enterprise desk worker Al Golden. Kinda makes you wish the NFL would start playing games on Thursday nights so we could have some options with our football. Just kidding, that would be terrible.

Memphis is arguably the best group of 5 team in the nation, but after seeing the Tigers get pulled into a drag race with Cincy, how much weight that carries is getting called into question. USF on Friday night is their last hurdle before their date with Ole Miss.

Other group of 5 undefeated Temple travels to FBS new blood Charlotte (who have great, albeit nike team dot com uniforms) on The Forbidden Network. On the deuce at 9, UConn travels to Provo. Hey, remember when #MormonMagic was a thing?

I don't usually do this, but I must stand on my soapbox for a minute. If you're not going to the game (or have a TV at the tailgate) I urge you to boycott Gameday this week due to the gross injustice placed upon the #iufb4gameday movement, which was started as grassroots movements by our friends over at Crimson Quarry. Gameday has never been to Bloomington, which is where undefeated The Ohio State and undefeated Indiana will meet on Saturday, but apparently that's too much of a novel idea for Gameday (which embraces going to towns they have never been before).

Clemson will lose anyway.

We kick things off on the Red Bull Shift with undefeated Holgo going to Norman to play an undefeated Oklahoma team, both teams with resumes that are fairly lacking. This is on your big TV because FOX Sports Go's streaming services are doodoo. In case you're not full of sad Texas fans yet, the Longhorns head to DFW to play a TCU team that was a tip drill away from being upset in Mars Lubbock. That's going to end well. It's 11 AM, so Iowa and Purdue are playing. This week A$AP Ferentz travels to Camp Randall and and Hazell gets bodied by Dantonio and Sparty. The SEC's honorary B1G member, Mizzou, host Spurrier, who saved his job for now with a 31-14 win over George O'Leary, another coach who's future is in doubt.

The BU-TT Shift obviously spotlights Baylor and Texas Tech, which man, that's gotta suck for Kliff and Tech. Kick BERT's ass, then turn around and then come so close to the biggest win in the program's history since 2009, and then turn around and play the prolific Baylor offense. Sheesh, pretty harsh for a guy trying to prove his worth at a school. Joey Freshwater and Alabama go to Georgia on the NCIS channel while the rightful Gameday hosts prove that they deserved the pre-game show against The Ohio State. After back to back losses, Georgia Tech and a very pissed off Paul Johnson team are going to absolutely rip apart  UNC, who is 3-1 by virtue of playing a coachless Illinois, NC A&T, and Delaware. Kansas State and Oklahoma State round out the shift.

Just like the McNeese State game, the LSU game doesn't need to be on the main TV, because the game honestly may be over by the time the first quarter draws to a close. The big games on the Larry Culpepper Shift start with Arizona State and UCLA, a game where Aggies will have a huge rooting interest in following the Sun Devils' demolition carried out by USC. With the Sun Devils struggling with Cal Poly and Arkansas being turbobad, A&M is down to a solid zero quality wins. Speaking of, the Aggies host Mississippi State following the Bulldog's win over now hapless Auburn on the plains. After somehow extending their streaks over Kentucky and Tennessee, Jim McElwain needs to pull a rather large horseshoe out of his ass to even avoid getting swept up by $wag Kelly and Ole Miss. Another game to keep your eye on during the SEC Shift is Arkansas at Tennessee over on ESPN2, two teams featuring a coach that desperately needs to find the emergency brake, one moreso than the other.

The Pineapples And Potatoes Shift "stars" unranked Oregon (for the first time since 2009) going to Colorado to snap their 2 game slide. We all knew that Vernon Adams was not going to be plugged in and produce Marcus Mariota numbers, but I don't think it was "get blown out at home by Utah" bad. It's the last shift of the weekend, so of course Hawaii plays in it, that's only right. After looking extremely lethargic against Northwestern in a 16-6 loss during week one, Stanford have rebounded and have averaged 38 points a game against UCF, USC (!), and Oregon State. Maybe our jokes were premature? And finally, rounding out the weekend, once again is Fresno State traveling to a college with the prefix "San" on CBS Sports Network, hoping for a better result than last week's 49-23 blowout.

This is your Week 5 viewing guide. Use it as you wish. Unlike vidya game developers, I am open to modifications.