It's been too long, y'all. But these games. They just keep getting bigger and keep getting previewer. 2015 starts not with a bang, but a whimper, but still the train rolls on. McNeese State Cowboys. Lake Charles finest juke joint, er, institution.
The Great War of 1950
Lake Charles Junior College, founded in 1939 was originally a division of LSU. They built themselves an Administration Building (Kaufman Hall), an Arena (Ralph O. Ward Memorial Gym) and an Auditorium (Francis G. Bulber Auditorium) and called themselves a school. All three buildings remain in use at the current incarnation of Lake Charles Junior College... now named McNeese State, after famed educator John McNeese.
John McNeese was the first superintendent of schools for Calcasieu Parish, where the parish seat is, fittingly, Lake Charles. He fought for the Union in the Civil War. When that ended, he moved to Texas to ranch. Then he attempted to drive cattle to New Orleans but only made it to the Sabine River, where he eventually settled in Oberlin. Oberlin is a tiny town in the middle of the state that no one has ever heard of. Then he went to Tulane, got a law degree and figured out the best way to pay for schools is to make citizens pay taxes, a concept he apparently pioneered. So he did all this school shit until 1913, and then decided he'd retire. A year later he croaked.
So the moral of this story is that everyone will die, but not everyone will have a shitty school named after themselves. Unless they dream up a way to make someone else pay for it.
I'm a Cowboy Baby
Kanye Les Doesn't Understand our Quarterback Situation
Bro. BRO! BROOO!
Listen to the kids. Listen to the kids. First of all, Tiger Faithful, thank you for having me and giving me a platform to address this most important situation.
And I often think about the first time I met you. And I think about walking the plant aisles at Home Depot. And I have a really great conversation about... types of grass... and you know, at the end they say, "Oh, you're not that bad after all!" And I like to think about it sometimes... It crosses my mind a little bit like, when I'm in Tiger Stadium and 100,000 people boo me. Crosses my mind a little bit.
And I think if I had to do it all over again what would I have done? Would I have worn that big hat? Would I have drank 28 cups of coffee and gone to the hospital before practice? Y'all know you drank that coffee too! If I had a quarterback, would I have called out someone else's for not having chest? You know, tomorrow, this stadium is gonna be a completely different setup. A football game. This stage will be gone. And after that night that stage was gone, but the effect it had on people remained.
The... the problem was the contradiction. The contradiction is I do fight for my team, but in that fight I somehow was disrespectful to artists. I didn't know how to say the right thing, the perfect thing. I just... I sat in the locker room and saw Zach Mettenberger and Jordan Jefferson lose. 2013 and 2011.. and Jordan, I ain't trying to put you on blast, but I saw that man in tears, bro. You know, and I was thinking, like, "HE DESERVED TO WIN THAT TITLE!"
And this small box that we are as the players in this game. How could you explain that? Sometimes I feel like all this shit they run about clock management and all that? Sometimes I feel like I died for the coach's decisions. For the coaches to be able to make mistakes after they were successful. I'm not no politician bro!
Look at that. You know how many times ESPN ran that footage again? 'Cause it got them more ratings? You know how many times they announce my difficulties in end of game situations 'cause it got them more ratings?
Listen to the kids, bro!
I still don't understand quarterbacks. I don't understand how they work their entire lives... camps, practices, weight rooms, personal coaches to come play in Tiger Stadium and be chewed up and spit out at the first sign of failure and have the opportunity to be considered a loser! I don't understand it, bruh!
I don't understand what the best quarterback or the smartest quarterback... I'm conflicted, bro. I just wanted people to like me. But fuck that, bro! 2015! I will die for this team! For what I believe in. And this team ain't always gonna be polite! Y'all might be thinking right now, 'Did he smoke something before he came out here?" The answer is yes, I rolled up a little something. I knocked the edge off!
I don't know what's gonna happen tonight. I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, bro. But all I can say to my players, to my fellow coaches: Just worry how you feel at the time, man. Just worry about how you feel and don't NEVER... you know what I'm saying? I'm confident. I believe in myself. We the millennials, bro.
And yes, as you probably could have guessed by this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.
BIG GAME IS BACK
No More Edwin, We Want Les
Listen, it's not personal, it's really not. But from this moment forward, you are Edwin to me. That is, until you prove worthy of being Les again.
You see, Edwin, the guy I remember had balls of brass. 4th and whatever from our own endzone? Seems like a good time to fake a punt. Double reverse to the god damn tight end? Sounds peachy to me. Blind fake field goal pitch over the head? Hell that's not difficult enough, so let's try and bounce the fucking thing next time. You dispensed of timeouts like a pill addict on a binge at Burning Man. You let the clock wind down on the play clock to an uncomfortable degree before trying a long bomb to win the game when a simple FG would have done... with a National Championship on the line! You took the podium on the day of the SEC Championship and called down the media who tried to out your backdoor plan to head to Ann Arbor. And you did it with some fucking gusto, Edwin.
But today? You are Ned Flanders. You're Mr. Rogers. You're the McFuckingBland of McFuckingChicken sandwiches and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you "letting the defense win this one" while we sit back and get bled to death in the final two minutes of game after game after game. I'm tired of punting in decent field position when a first down would probably win the sumbitch. I'm tired of the protect the lead conservative playcalling that leads not to 3 yards and a cloud of dust, but three failures and a bunch of punts.
So I'm putting you on blast, Edwin. Yes, you are Edwin to me, until you prove you are Les again. Show your support for the movement by appending all LSU related tweets: #StopEdwin #FreeLes
"Sooner or later you're gonna realize, there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."
Take the blue pill, McNeese. I promise you'll wake up comfy in your own bed and not remember that any of this happened. It's really your only choice here. But if you do take the red pill... if you must... you will know the truth. And the truth is an unfathomable pain. The truth is not your beginning, but your ending. You will wake up and it will be over. Complete. Fin.
If you take the red pill, you will be reduced to a pile of ligaments and bones, none of which are connected. You will be on everyone's highlight reel as I run smooth over you again and again and again. You see, McNeese you are merely the first hurdle in my Heisman campaign. The only thing that will derail this train is coach pulling it off the tracks. And by that point, you will be so helplessly and hopelessly defeated you won't even be aware that a train ever ran through Baton Rouge.
Good luck, McNeese. You're gonna need it.