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How To Football: Week Seven

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[Ominous Mad Max music grows louder]

The West Virginia equipment trucks make their way into Lubbock

Right then, hopefully the incompetency of any particular doesn’t spill wine on my very very fine silken how to football charts. That’s the thing, you get a digital version of this spreadsheet while my friends get an intricately woven tapestry. Being my friend has perks.

Coming Down From The Mountain Shift

In case you missed it, #FUNBELT IS BACK. Last week Arkansas State upset Georgia Southern, who made the mistake of thinking they could walk into The Treestand and steal a win. But yeah, your attention should probably be focused on the Dodgers-Nationals winner-take-all Game 5, this is ancillary viewing.

There is no college football Thursday night this week, which means there is no football at all on Thursday. But there is postseason baseball, which is always good but for some reason it is better this season.

Why Is Mississippi State Playing At BYU Late On Friday Shift

In the preseason, maybe there was some hype about the Duke-llvll game, but all that has been sapped by Duke’s up and down performance. Sure they beat Notre Dame, but the luster from that win has been QUICKLY been stripped away and there are losses to Wake Forest, Northwestern and Virginia (Northwestern! Virginia!). Louisville should romp in all honesty.

After a rocky start at Tulane, Willie Fritz’s Green Wave have kinda sneakily turned it around. After the 7-3 shitshow against a (relatively) markedly better Wake Forest team and a drubbing of Navy, Tulane has peeled off to a 3-2 record. Their game at UCF has been postponed and now they jump headfirst into the meat of their schedule against 4-1 Memphis, where Mike Norvell is looking to upkeep what Justin Fuente started. This has potential to be your lowkey great game of the week, it just has the stigma of midmajor teams attached to it.

San Diego State plays at Fresno on The Forbidden Network, but that’s overshadowed by the fact that Mississippi State is playing BYU late on a Friday Night

Why is Mississippi State playing BYU late on a Friday night?

Moonshine And Tortillas Shift

The best game of the shift is West Virginia at Texas Tech. The most impactful game of the shift is NC State at Clemson. The rest of the shift is your typical noon fodder.

Undefeated West Virginia (not a typo) makes the long trek to the outer rim of Texas, a special place where the question of “What if Mars had a livable atmosphere?” is answered and were Kliff Kingsbury calmly puts on his Wayfarers in preparation for a sandstorm of flying tortillas. The Mountaineers don’t have an offense that is about to hang 70 points on any power five team, it only comes in at 32nd in the offensive S&P+ rankings. The difference is that there is actually a competent defense suiting up in blue and gold, fielding a team with a defensive S&P+ ranking of 56. That’s the second best in the conference y’all. While West Virginia has tried to get a more even spread of attribute points in this RPG called football, Texas Tech is sticking to their guns: offensive S&P+ ranking of 3, defensive S&P+ ranking of 109. There will be points.

I know how this is going to sound, but as of now NC State is the closest team to Clemson in the conference standings. I know, I can’t believe it either but after last week’s classic played in a hurricane, the Wolfpack are up to 4-1 and if they can steal one from Clemson then I’m kinda worried that they will run away with the division and that’s how we end up with Virginia-NC State ACC title game. Now “stealing one from Clemson” is a lot easier typed than done, and I did that thing where I typed the n after the g in “typing” on the first try. Clemson is a really really good team with a really really impressive defense. Don’t let Lamar Jackson and llvll hanging 36 on them fool you, Lamar Jackson is an excellent football player who is capable of doing that against anybody. Oh and the Clemson offense is pretty okay too.

Just throw up a Watch ESPN quadbox of Kansas State-Oklahoma, Minnesota-Maryland, Iowa-Purdue, and Vandy-Georgia and keep an eye peeled on those in case something of note forms.

Eat Sleep Break The Streak Shift

Tennessee has already broken through and snapped one double digit losing streak to an SEC rival, now we find out if they can stop another from reaching double digits. They came close last year and painfully close to it in 2009, but their second win over Nick Saban has eluded them since. Were it not for obscene amount of turnovers (six) I think that Tennessee was the much better team in their loss against Texas A&M, but the turnovers ultimately did them in. While Florida is still a top ten team S&P+, they are still a step behind Alabama in terms of team quality. Tennessee is going to have play perfect football to knock off Bama, but as we saw last year they have no problem getting up for the game.

North Carolina and Miami are both coming off pretty brutal ACC losses, but I’m not letting that hamper my excitement for this game. This is a matchup between the 12th ranked team in defensive S&P+ (Miami) and the 20th ranked team in offensive S&P+ (North Carolina). That’s on either ABC or ESPN2, with the other game being Nebraska and Indiana. Oh yes, undefeated Nebraska lead by Mike Reilly and his Nebraska team go to Bloomington to play Team Chaos. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Speaking of things going wrong, a 4-2 Florida State plays a 5-1 Wake Forest team. So either somebody is going to come back down from a high or somebody is going to get fiiiiiiiiiiiired and Twitter is going to light up like the Hindenberg (Sup Jimbo, you know the address to send your resume to).

As of now, Florida has not cancelled their game against Missouri so that may still be a thing. Kansas and Baylor is your alternate.

Hot Time In The Old Town Shift

For those of you not attending Southern Miss-LSU or partaking, you have options.

Your first option is the GameDay option of an Ohio State University of Ohio (OH) at Wisconsin. Across all three S&P+ rankings, the Buckeyes’ worst ranking is their offense at...11. Meanwhile Wisconsin has been riding the coattails of their defense and special teams, both of which are ranked sixth in the statistic. However, Wisconsin’s offense is...weighing it down. The Badgers’ potent offense is ranked 100th in S&P+ which yes is impacted by playing Michigan but let’s not pretend like that number is about to get cut in half. So while it will be challenging for Ohio State to score on the Badgers, it will be nigh impossible for Wisconsin to drop anything on the Buckeyes. If Ohio State can put up 21 then I think they’re safe.

Ole Miss and Arkansas, AKA the game that last year let Bama up off the mat and into the SEC championship game/playoff thanks to a backward lateral on 4th and 25 in overtime, is also a feature on the evening shift. Arkansas doesn’t do one particular thing amazingly, they’re just consistent on offense and defense: 22nd ranked offense and the 47th ranked defense in S&P+. All things considered, that’s pretty damn even given the current scope of college football. The think is, Ole Miss is better at offense while being in the same ballpark in terms of defense, 5th and 55th. I think Arkansas can play it close in the first half but eventually Ole Miss is going to find a gear that the Razorbacks do not have.

Frankly I don’t want to talk a lot about Stanford-Notre Dame because it reminds me of how dumb we were in the preseason. It’s like looking back four years on your Facebook feed: we know how terrible and cringe-y we were, there’s no need to remind us every day Jesus Christ Timehop.

Also, Tom Herman’s Houston looks to rebound and save some face against Tulsa, who...might make that a pretty good game? But probably not. Temple at UCF is your alternate choice. We’re all about options here at And The Valley Shook!

Bobo On The Blue Turf Shift

We only get one national PAC 12 After Dark game this week, UCLA at Washington State who btw might fuck around and win the PAC-12 North with two losses ok goodbye forever.

One of the Cougars traditional September losses, Boise State, hosts Mike Bobo’s intrepid young Rams while Nevada and UNLV play theoretical football on Schrödinger’s Channel.

But none of that matters, because in some dark corner of the internet, Hawaii football will be streamed.