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Playin’...”Nice”... Roll Bama Roll

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RBR’s Ricky Muncie helps us sort through the Johnny Cougar catalog.

2016 Starkey Hearing Foundation So The World May Hear Awards Gala Photo by Adam Bettcher/Getty Images for Starkey Hearing Foundation

Freshmen quarterbacks and spread offenses...is this season the most successful mid-life crisis in Alabama history?

That depends upon how you define "mid-life crisis," and what you deem "success."

I would say that in the grand scheme of things, our best Mid-Life Success was when Dennis Franchione walked out on us, and bought him that little maroon convertible roadster. But later he got busted doing 77 in Oklahoma, and lost his ass on premium blog access before the market was mature.

Yeah, we dodged a bullet with that one, but now we have a hard-working man who brings us shiny things every couple of years, and our biggest problem is finding room for them all.

It's not like we just kicked our man out for eating grass, swallowing timeouts, and refusing to learn how to score in our end zone.

Any recommendations for cool casts for us to get when this whole thing is over?

I would go with the David Rasche, Harrison Page and Anne-Marie Martin -- the cast of Sledge Hammer.

I don't think they got nearly the credit they were due for being a defining influence for Brooklyn 9-9. I mean, that's a show that lasted three seasons on network television, yet where are those actors now? Exactly. They are available, and dirt cheap. Pound for pound, the best value cast you can find.

So with his increased stature is Lane moved on up to "Joseph" in his shady barroom dealings?

Sadly, Lane had to retire that persona. Now that he is separated, he has no need for that particular residence nor for hiding who he really is. And the Adderall prescription is finally in his name, so that's all good too.

I don't know why so many people thought it was shady. Every girl he was with figured out who he was. He had a tendency to raise both arms in the air a full three seconds before actually climaxing.

Name 3 other John Cougar Mellencamp songs that fit this team besides "Hurts So Good."

Thematically, I would start with "Authority Song," where Bama is the Authority that always wins.

I would also consider "Just Another Day," as it describes the Zen-like focus of this team, which does not appear to get rattled.

But I would be remiss if I didn't combine a couple of songs to describe the pass rush. Overall, "Crumblin' Down" describes what happens to opposing offensive lines. And as a special tribute to Tim Williams and Ryan Anderson...

A little ditty, about the Jack and dyin'.

A little ditty, about the Jack and dyin'.

Pass-rushing position, and the quarterback man.

Jack is gonna be a foot-baaaaaaal sta-aaaaaaar.

Dyin' describes the withering man, crushed beneath his paw.

Oh yeah, the Etling's rushed.

Big men goin' airborne, and the pocket gets crushed.-----

So Bama rocks -- and the Tide will roll.

Turnover belt, another N-O-T sco-oooo-oooore.

Hold on to 16, as long as you ca-aaaan

(that's not your points, but the yards from your running-back man.)

Look, we all know neither team wants this to get to overtime again. How about we settle it with Saban versus O in the Oklahoma Drill?

This has already happened.

As Ed charged, Nick deftly stepped out of the way and said "Is this the way we want this drill to be?"

Before you knew it, Nick was safely behind a wall of staff assistants and analysts, Ed tore off his shirt, the ref rang the bell, Jim Ross started teasing the actual match in SummerSlam, and Foley heard thunderstorms and canceled the entire event. Because, you know, safety.