Friday Power Rankings: The Ultimate Tailgate Party Crashers

So tailgating is kind of what we do here. And if you’ve ever thrown a really good tailgate, you get a crasher or two. Friends or family that happen to be on campus wandering around, maybe a fan of the opposing team that asks for directions and winds up enjoying a cold beer and a hot bowl of jambalaya.

But if you could have ANYBODY show up at your tailgate, who would you want to show up? There’s a lot to consider. Maybe you want somebody that can help spice up the cooking. Maybe some good football talk, especially with a game on the TV. Steady hands for kegstands. An expert mixologist, or somebody that can get some tunes going. Quick with a joke. Or a light of your smoke. So long as there’s not some place that they’d rather be.

After consulting with a team of party professionals, we came up with the definitive list.

1. Bill Murray

The man, simply put, is America’s Party Crasher. He’s about as universally beloved as a comedian can be, and he’s pretty much up for anything. He’s more of a baseball guy, so yeah he probably doesn’t really care about college football, but he cares that it’s important to you goshdarnit.

2. Matthew McConaughey

Murray gets No. 1 with a bullet here, but McConaughey gives you a lot of versatility. He knows his ball, and he’d be a great game-watch partner; probably has a steady hand on beer pong; would eat and drink enthusiastically; and plus dispense some sage life lessons. Truly a tailgater-of-all-trades.

3. Shaq

I mean yeah, he’ll probably do some damage to the food spread, but seriously, what activity doesn’t improve when the Big Aristotle is around?

4. Howard Schnellenberger

Turfman’s has any number of useful products for your tailgating needs and Schnelly always comes stocked. And that bowl of queso dip over there might just remind him about that time he spent an evening with Rue McClanahan.

5. Steve Spurrier

Sure, he only showed up because he sliced off the back nine and he’s not gonna take a drop, but hey is that Tennessee losin’ on the TV? Weeeel...alright, let’s sit a spell.

6. John Cena

This is entirely conditional on his theme music interuppting you mid-sentence from a hidden loudspeaker while he storms into the party.

7. Jim Harbaugh

He’ll show up in an Odell Beckham Jr. jersey and turn your tailgate into an impromptu satellite camp, but dammit you’re going to learn to read that dig route against cover-three.

8. Andrew WK

9. Barry Switzer

Great story-teller, and you know he has some homemade hooch on him that will get you extra tuned up for kickoff.

10. The New Day

Let’s see...music?

Check.

Party favors?

Check.

Snacks?

Check. And your tailgate would not be booty.