It’s that time again. We here at And The Valley Shook dot come take pride in giving you the best damn analysis on both sides of the Mississippi. On the West bank we have reason, composure and detailed, complex arguments and on the East bank we have a wholllleeeee bunch of fun shit. Like Bourbon. Throw them together and welcome to this here website.
So in the words of Twisted Sister, I’m gonna hit you with my best shot. #RIPJanisJoplin
History is in the Eye of the Beholder
Ya know what Wisconsin means? Shit, neither do they. Lemme tell you about Wisconsin. Wisconsin, like the rest of the United States, was once run by a bunch of big ass animals that were then run on by a bunch of Algonquin’s that were then run on by some French Jesuits. French Jesuits are the worst, amirite? So the leader of this group was Jacques Marquette (no relation to Jacques Doucet). This dude went about putting his name on f’n errything. And that is why Dwyane Wade and LeBron James formed a super team with that other guy and the drug dealer that used to play for the Hornicans.
Anyways, Wisconsin. Stay on topic, dammit. So the name “Wisconsin” is the name the Algonquin’s gave to the Wisconsin River. Now, this is gonna shock you, but when Marquette showed up, he decided he’d just up and change it to Meskousing. Then a bunch of French dudes decided that should be Ouisconsin. That’s Louisiana as all hell.
So the moral of this story is that Wisconsin is just Louisiana’s cousin, which, when you think about it, really explains a whole lot. And that’s history, my friends.
Let’s Play Look Alike!
Wow, I can really see the resemblance on that last one!
Let’s Take Wisconsin to the Movies
Look closely. But not too close, because you may see your worst nightmares.
Slideshows for Dummies
Wow, even Wisconsin’s flag doesn’t think they stand a chance in this game.
Paul Chrystley Knows Best
Tell Me What Ya Know
Been wracking my brain on this one, so I thought I’d turn to the one, true, reliable source on the Internet: Twitter. Here’s this week’s Tell Me What Ya Know.
@ATVS_PaulCrewe Only that we don't need no stinkin' badgers.— Poseur (@ATVSPoseur) September 2, 2016
@ATVS_PaulCrewe Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers...— Roland (@Col_BatGuano9) September 1, 2016
Wow, good job guys.
@ATVS_PaulCrewe Badgers can run faster than a horse, eat 3 large pizzas in one sitting, brew their own beer, and drive stick shift.— Kyle Digby (@KyleDigby) September 2, 2016
@ATVS_PaulCrewe someone from Louisiana will make a gumbo with it— Gerard in Lafayette (@gerard504) September 2, 2016
@ATVS_PaulCrewe they are the hufflepuff mascot in Harry Potter and nobody wants to be a hufflepuff— Holley Caldwell (@holleylolley) September 2, 2016
@ATVS_PaulCrewe the word badger is said to derive from the French 'bêcheur' meaning 'digger'.— l•M•n ⚜ (@_MidwestMess) September 2, 2016
The Road to Green Bay
When he woke in the cage in the quiet and the menace of the evening he ran his fingertips through the fescue. There is life to be found in those green blades slowly graying ashen fallen absconding from life. He plants each foot into the ground. Like trunks of birch trees with barely tethered roots. His knees wobble in the wind. Once strong pillars now tip and sway at the mere breath of babes. What is absolute is no longer. Now only opaque skies laced with chalky diamonds. As the Earth churns on its axis sunlight hopelessly flutters into picture and out like a lightbulb slowly dimming.
Still he sets his feet to path. Onward to Green Bay, he said.
Crisp dew breezes shake turning leaves clinging to branches as a man staring back at his own fate. The water urges toward crystals, stiffening and breaking, stiffening and breaking, stiffening and breaking.
The shuttering, trembling sod beneath his feet quaked at the urgency at hand. There is a whisper coming he muttered.
His name is Fournette.