Hellllooooooooo colllege footballlllllllllll, yeaaaahh! We’re just a few hours from Saturday and the boys from the Plain are back to terrorize our senses again with their awful taste in colors and even more awful brand of football.

Now, give credit where it’s due; Auburn takes cheating seriously. Probation to them is more a state of mind than anything else. “What’s a few little sanctions going to hurt anybody anyway “is actually their school motto. They are typically good for a fleeting moment before fading right back away. The important thing to remember about Auburn is that they suck.

Auburn Victims Unit - Scene 1

Waffle House - College Street - 6AM
(Det. Olivia Benson, Det. Odafin Tutuola, Sgt. John Munch)

DETECTIVE BENSON AND SGT. MUNCH ARRIVE ON THE WAFFLE HOUSE ON GLENN AVE. THE RESTAURANT IS BUZZING, EVEN AT THIS EARLY HOUR.

Olivia Benson: Sir, we have reason to believe Coach’s disappearance may have occurred here at some point following the Alabama victory in 2013. We have no reason to believe you were in any way involved, but if you refuse to be compliant you will give us no choice but to pursue you as a possible suspect.

Waffle House Manager: Well, I... just... I’m... frankly, I’m flabbergasted that you think I would wish any harm on one of Auburn’s finest citizens and my best customers. I don’t know anything.

Det. Tutuola: Listen man, chill out. Ain’t no reason to get worked up here. Like my colleague said, we’re just looking for some type of direction here. Coach seemed to have a disappeared and we have reason to believe he may be the victim of an elaborate impersonation scheme that could have begun right here in this very Waffle House.

Waffle House Manager: Look, I can’t. If they found out... I have kids, man.....

SGT. MUNCH GROWS QUICKLY IMPATIENT.

Sgt. Munch: TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW OR WE’RE GONNA LEAVE YOUR BUSINESS SMOTHERED AND COVERED.

Waffle House Manager: I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, I SAID.

DET. TUTUOLA TRIES TO GET COOLER HEADS TO PREVAIL

Det. Tutuola: Listen, we get it. You work long hours to take care of your family and you can’t risk losing it all. We understand. But we also understand you know something we don’t. We have questions. You have answers. It’s a business deal.

Waffle House Manager: Alright, this is all I know. There’s a guy that comes around this way. Rough type. Mixed up in drugs and all that. But he’s a good soul. Don’t wanna harm nobody. He’ll come by late at night looking for a hot plate and I like to oblige him. Just trying to do a good deed, ya know? Well, here a while back we got to chatting and he starts talking about old man Harvey.

Det. Benson: Old man Harvey, you say?

Waffle House Manager: Yeah, old man Harvey. Now, my guy says this old man Harvey been running the streets up here from Tuscaloosa. Some of his crew hang around Toomer’s Corner. That’s all I know. Okay?

/SCENE

Inaugural Coaching Search Classic brought to by Southwestern Bell

Where the winner gets a tiny lifeline and the loser gets the opportunity to find new employment.

Last Day of English 1100 at Auburn University

Auburn Keys to the Game

1. Turn On Playstation
2. Place difficulty on easy
3. Select LSU as opponent
4. Select team other than Auburn

VERY NICE

Auburn Victims Unit - Scene 2

(Det. Olivia Benson, Det. Odafin Tutuola, Sgt. John Munch)

BENSON, TUTUOLA AND MUNCH CONVERGE ON TOOMER’S CORNER AFTER ROUNDS OF QUESTIONING IN THE SURROUNDING AREA.

Det. Tutuola: Word I hear is these trees used to be immaculate?

Sgt. Munch: Divine, huh? What sorta fate they suffered now?

Det. Benson: I hear they were poisoned.

Det. Tutuola: Yeah, and get a load of this. Know the name connected?

ALL THREE MAKE EYE CONTACT
Sgt. Munch: Old man Updyke.

/SCENE

Tell Me Something Now

Some Auburn thoughts from the commentariat:

We learned so much today!

A New Hope

Poseur’s Slideshow of the Week of the Century

Auburn Victims Unit - Scene 3

(Det. Olivia Benson, Det. Odafin Tutuola, Sgt. John Munch)

THE DETECTIVES COME UPON A DILAPIDATED OLD HOUSE IN TUSCALOOSA. OUTSIDE HANGS A SEEMINGLY NEW ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE FLAG. THE HOUSE LOOKS ABANDONED. SOURCES HAVE DIRECTED THE DETECTIVES TO THIS AS A POTENTIAL HIDE OUT FOR OLD MAN HARVEY. THEY BANG AGAINST THE WALLS OF THE DOORLESS HOME AND A STRANGE MAN APPEARS.

Man: Can I help yuuuuu?

Det. Benson: Sir, we are looking for a man that may go by the name of Old Man H?

Man: Phrum. Never heard of him. Now OFF MY PORCH.

MAN TURNS TO WALK BACK INTO THE CAVERNOUS HOME WHEN A SERIES OF LOUD NOISES EMANATE FROM WITHIN. HE PAUSES. THEN, MUFFLED SCREAMS.

Det. Tutualo: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST, SIR!

HARVEY SPRINTS FOR THE BACK. HE’S QUICKLY TACKLED BY DETECTIVE TUTUALO. DETECTIVE BENSON AND SGT. MUNCH MOVE TOWARD THE SCREAMS AND THROW OPEN THE DOOR TO DISCOVER....

6 MONTHS LATER

Jay Jacobs: Officers, I cannot begin to thank you enough. We knew something must be going amuck out here. Ole Gus just didn’t seem like himself. Hell, he was coaching more like Terry Bowden than Gus Malzahn.

LAUGHTER

/SCENE

A Moment Like This

Fuck you, Auburn.

LSU: 17
Auburn: 0